Published January 24, 2008
I start the journey through the grass,
Smell flowers and dampness as I go,
Through all the memories in my mind,
One sticks with me through and through.
I cross the bridge with wooden fear,
And step through the weeds with care,
But all the while that one fine day
Engulfs my heart with dispair.
That one fine day I talk about,
It scares me still everyday,
Especially when you grabbed my arm,
And took my life away.
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
I like the idea behind this Kim, but it's too flighty really...not enough connecting going on.
You used "through" in Line 3 so don't use it in 4. It's very, very difficult to use the same word in a poem this short effectively. I'd also put a period at the end of L2 instead of a comma.
Lines 7-8 don't make any sense together (or apart...for that matter). "dispair" is also "despair".
"still" in line 10 is awkward with it's placement, makes too much of a pause. Line 11 doesn't make any sense, "especially" and "grabbed" do not work together with the rest of the poem. You also need a period at the end of L12.
The rhyming was most definitely off, so much I'm not really sure if you meant it to rhyme or not. In poetry you should either rhyme the same way the whole poem or not rhyme at all--it's just awkward any other way!
Good luck!
I start the journey through the grass,
Smell flowers and dampness as I go,
Through all the memories in my mind,
One sticks with me through and through. - Oooh. Suspenseful. What memory?
I cross the bridge with wooden fear, - "Wooden" fear? I don't understand. Is your fear like, still and inanimate?
And step through the weeds with care, - Uh, why? You like weeds?
But all the while that on fine day
Engulfs my heart with dispair. - The weeds engulf your heart? What? "Fine Day" engulfs your heart? I'm confused.
That one fine day I talk about,
It scares me still everyday,
Especially when you grabbed my arm,
And took my life away - Wait, you died on that fine day? OH. Um, I'm still confused.
Good poem, all in all. But pretty confusing.
KEEP WRITING.
well...i really liked it but your rhyming was a little off...
but anywayz other than that, i didnt see anything wrong with it... 
Mhmmm... jumbly, unsurprising ending... Sorry, but work on setting up your poetry---don't just start with the notion that you're just going to write rhymes that sound good (because--sorry for the evilness--they don't actually sound good: go and through don't really rhyme and that brings inconsistency to the poem) because then everything just doesn't make sense.
Here's a line-by-line crit:
I start the journey through the grass, (Don't start a poem by saying "I started" or "I began", especially if it's a physical description, like "starting a journey through the grass.")
Smell flowers and dampness as I go, (SHOW, NOT TELL!)
Through all the memories in my mind, (Random a bit, eh?)
One sticks with me through and through. (Too much repetition of through.)
I cross the bridge with wooden fear, (I like this one--wooden fear, mmm, sounds good and brings an interesting visual to my mind.)
And step through the weeds with care, (Gack. With care? Carefully, prehaps.)
But all the while that on fine day (This is a bit confusing...what did you mean to say here?)
Engulfs my heart with dispair. (Emo, cliche, yucks. Who is the person who says "Stamp with big EMO stamp"? He would stamp this if he read it.)
That one fine day I talk about, (You talk too much! Show! Show!)
It scares me still everyday, (How does it scare you? And bad repetition of "day".)
Especially when you grabbed my arm, (Who grabbed your arm?)
And took my life away (SHOCKING. Never do this to your readers. Never kill your narrator when it sounds like they are having a good time writing that poem. Blah.)
Hope I helped! PLEASE PM me if you need any help. Sorry for the harshness!