Young Writers Society

Hi!

First of all, I like the title. It caught my eye and made me want to read your poem.

I like the idea of the poem too, but I think it could make more of an impact.

cathy wrote:The powerful sobs fall hard on my shoulder,
My bestfriend collapses limp in my arms.
A sense of fear engulfing my body,
A pain I have never experienced before.

The opening stanza doesn't contain any different or interesting phrases that make a reader react. It might sound crazy, but try to avoid the word 'pain' at all costs. I don't know if it's just me, but I have a real aversion to the word because it's just a bit 'blah'. It seems to have lost all meaning.

What happened to the speaker's best friend? Why did she collapse? What exactly did the speaker feel? Think more about the answers to these questions. When expressing them in a poem, don't just state them. Paint a picture; make your reader feel the fear and pain.

Trying to stitch your breaking heart,
Every stitch snapping as you cry again
Re-opening the past and all it's devils
And a whole new world for you to flee.

This was my favourite stanza, because you used a metaphor - stitching a heart. However it should be 'all its devils'.

it's = it is

I still think it could be edited though, to eliminate repetition. For example:

How can you sew your heart back together
when tears dissolve the stitches?

Also, I'm not sure about the word 'flee'. It's like a word you would choose if you were trying to force a rhyme scheme, but you aren't. It draws attention to itself.

Your lost smile haunting me still,
I search for the light to come back on
To shine up my world, my life, my friend.
Yet I know deep down, I've lost you forever.

You seem to use 'shine up my world' to avoid repeating 'light', but it doesn't quite work. 'To illuminate my world', maybe? The light image is a bit over-used, though. Can you think of your own way to put it?

Overall

You have a good outline for a poem, but at the moment it isn't connecting with the reader. Get rid of any structure for a second. Think about these feelings of loss and pain, and the situation that brought them about. Try to express them in unusual ways - maybe in metaphors, like the one you have already, or similes and such like. Then turn these ideas into a poem.

I hope this helps!

Hi, cathy!

First of all, you should change the title. I think you meant "Losing You", not "Loosing".

My bestfriend collapses limp in my arms.

I search for the light to come back on.

A pain I have never experienced before.

Lines like these are, in my opinion, too telling. You're not leaving anything for us to guess or feel. You can say many things in so many different ways, and I suggest you'll try changing some lines to less straightforward.

And a whole new world for you to flee.

This was my favourite line. Maybe just because I like Aladdin so much.


Anyway, think about what I said. I think you could have a great poem if you were more discreet in them. Keep writing!


Demeter xxx