Leaving

I second the fact that you should capitalize your "I"'s, but I think that you used the punctuation in this piece pretty well. Okay, so here's my review;

Picky things;
I feel that your first stanza is pretty hard going, compared to the rest of the story. It tooks me a while to adjust into the rhythm, and it's usually a good idea to have the rhythm going in the first few lines, so the reader knows what to expect.

I liked how you didn't rhyme, but feel that there could have been some rhyming in there, mainly so it could add to the flow of the piece, which I feel was lacking.

"All the thing's i was trying to say," Drop the apostrophe in the word "things" 'cause thats a typo at the minute.

I think you have a nice idea, but it's used so much. You need to work to put your own unique twist into it.

Praise for;
I have to say, I'm not as objective to the repition in this last stanza as other people are. I think it's a nice touch for you to have the first two "nothings"'s in there, although I think it would be a good idea for you to drop the last one, just so it doesn't become a drag.

I like your adventurous style in this; continuing one line onto the next is not usually everyones forte. With a little tweaking here and there, it will become a very good piece.

Happy writing!

Before I say anything else, please remember to:

Capitalize your I's.
Use proper punctuation.

cathy wrote:*I haven't written for a long time, and i know this is bad, but i just needed to spill out onto the paper. any criticism is welcome*

I'm trying to cling onto you,
Don't want anything to change,
yet your drifting away, leaving me here
alone. The words fall off my lips,
Like blood from a wound, yet they
Drop into silence.
Nice opening line, but here's where the punctuation issue comes in. Too many commas and not enough periods. So, here's a rewrite on just punctuation and grammar issues:
I'm trying to cling onto you;
don't want anything to change.
Yet you're drifting away, leaving me here
alone. The words fall off my my lips
like blood from a wound, yet
they drop into silence.
See how it flows better with the proper punctuation?

I stare down at the floor,
All the thing's i was trying to say
Are tumbling away from me,
Leaving me empty. And my feelings
rip from me. Empty.
Rewrite!:
I stare down at the floor.
All the things I was trying to say
are tumbling away from me.
And my feelings rip from me.
Leaving me empty.
As you can see, I switched it around a bit, but only to eliminate repetitivness and add better flow.

I feel naked, alone. Yet i do nothing,
Nothing touches me any longer.
Unaware of where I'm going, I walk
into nothing.
Leaving you and I behind.
Nothing, nothing, nothing... the other reviewers are right, too much!
Last rewrite, I promise!
I feel naked and alone.
Nothing touches me any longer.
Unaware of where I'm going, I walk...
Leaving you and I behind.

the poem was pretty good. i found it a little "conventional" but at the same time powerful and full of emotion.

i agree about the last stanza...

bisquit wrote:i dont know if it was deliberate but in the last stanza you repeated the word 'nothing' a lot. i think it may be an idea to perhaps make this final stanza even more powerful. this way the thought will stick with the reader even more.

Firstly , it is not bad at all! Have more faith in your work. Its actaully very good!
You have created a moving atmosphere and got straight to the point which engages the reader.
You have also succesfully used poetic techniques such as smilies for effect and impact. this is done very well.
i dont know if it was deliberate but in the last stanza you repeated the word 'nothing' a lot.
i think it may be an idea to perhaps make this final stanza even more powerful. this way the thought will stick with the reader even more
hope i have helped!