Published February 18, 2007
Blackness can caress you
Warm you to the heart,
Scare you untill you run away
Screaming out the dark.
Piercing like a needle
Soft just like a brush,
Peel away your feelings
Suffocate you to death
Open space around you
Afraid you might just fall,
Grabbing onto sanity
Trying to pull through
Unknowing can be freaky
Make you want to die,
Just cling onto reality
And hold your head up high
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I think your poem was pretty good. There were some mistakes and I don't think the line Scare you till you run away
scream out of the dark. sounds right. Maybe if you changed scream to screaming it would sound better.
Yeah I liked it. Couple of things that need to be untangled but it makes for some easy reading.
Well done.
i liked the now-and-then hard-to-catch rhyming. I forget what the exact word is for how you did it—Rhyming by sound rather than by letters, and such.
YourMy biggest complaint is the lack of punctuation. Here is an article I wrote, Poetry & Punctuation that might help you out.
I liked it, and I'm not completely sure why. It made me feel something, but I'm not sure what I was feeling. My only question to you is, what were you writing about? Darkness, blackness, are my first thoughts. But, I think I would understand it better once it had punctuation to it. It makes it harder for me to read when it is like this...
Until
I think if you tried to change some of the lines around, so they have more rhythm/structure, it would turn out even better.
I'll give you an example:
(This might not be a very good example, on my part!)
Unknowing can be freaky,
It makes you want to give up.
Just cling to reality,
And try to hold your head up.
See? All the lines have seven syllable each (you don't have to follow this pattern.) You could do a seven-five-seven-five. Or anything, really, so long as it is consistent. I took the verse one step further, the first and third ending in "ee" sounds (the 'y'), and the second and fourth line both ending in 'up'. That gives is some rhyming, sort of (I wouldn't suggesting ending lines in the same words too often, though here it works quite well).
I really think this could be made into something great, if you dug deeper into the feelings and brought the reader more into it. It has potential, and I like that. If you have any questions, of want more info about the suggestions I gave, feel free to PM me