The tears are trickling down
My faces scared and broken look,
My heart is slowly peeling
From it's rusty crooked hook.
The moon is getting larger
And the stars are falling in,
But all I dare to think about
is Him.
My eyes are slowly shutting now,
My body becomes tense.
Yet everything around me
Is a glowing pool of sense.
The moon is getting smaller
And the sun is coming in,
But all I dare to think about
is Him.
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This makes very little sense to me, I get the idea of what you were trying to say, but the incorrect grammar bothers me.
The short "Is Him" lines I liked, but I think you shouldn't have capitalized "Is," that would have made the second word stand out more, make it seem more important. What I would do, if I were you (that rhymes!), is only capitalize the first word in a sentence, which would make the capitalization of "Him" stand out, and it would be more obvious that whoever He is, He's someone important to the narrator.
It was a very good idea, though, and I liked the fact that you didn't describe what the relationship between you and Him was, you left it up to our imaginations, and chose to focus on how you feel without Him. It's a difference from other broken heart poems, because they tend to describe what it was like when that person was a part of their lives, and contrast it, while you explored the depths of your sorrow.
Fix the capitalization and that one line, and it'll be a great poem.
the fact that the "Is Him" line was so much shorter than the others was rather irritating for me, not to mention that you rhymed "him" with "in" so the shortness of the line really stood out.
I think the first stanza makes no sense grammatically.
I assume you meant 'face's' which makes it "my face is scared and broken look" but then it still doesn't make much sense.
And the rhyming in the first stanza was so first, it made the last line ugly rather than poetic.
Throughout the whole thing I think "What are you writing about?" and all I can think of is a lost love or broken heart, and though out of the whole thing the only stanza I really liked was the third one, and that one could have been better even. Try adding rhythm to it (make the lines the same number of syllables, especially the lines that rhyme) to give it a better flow.
It wasn't bad but...It wasn't 'for me'. Too simplistic, and it felt like you were trying too hard to be poetic and it didn't work. I'm glad I could at least guess what the poem is about, that is a good sign. But since you started out with a very poor first stanza, one that was really hard to make logical sense of, the whole poem started off on the "wrong foot" so to speak. I think if it was cleaned up and thought over and edited, it might turn out better.
If you have any questions about anything I said, feel free to ask.