Published November 7, 2006
We struggle through the dirt with exhaustion.
All coughing with pain as we move along.
Pushing and shoving away from the battle,
Avoiding flames and shells, to get back to base.
Each one of us is moving slowly away. The lost boots left behind.
Painfully walking; so painful, it’s painful to watch.
Heads turn as we approach, ignoring our empty faces;
We have no energy to show emotion.
I realise at last that gas has hit us: “Get down men, quick, onto the ground”
We manage to shove our gas masks on,
But one man doesn’t succeed. He cries out.
We sadly watch him die, but have no strength to do anything.
The gas swarm over us like stream to a kettle,
Unable to see my comrades, I search for there scared cries.
Helplessness fills me as I see ma comrade run towards us,
We know he will not make it, and this memory will live with us forever.
How would you feel, watching and hearing the man slowly die?
He screeches in pain, tearing his clothes away from his chest.
Can you imagine walking behind his, not able to help,
Following the cart as they take him away, another comrade lost.
Hear the sound – it’s horrific;
Of the man coughing up blood and mucus
As the gas eventually dissolves the organ,
Making it all worse is the wagon, jolting across the path.
Would they have said it’s glorious to die for your country?
If they had experienced what we have?
What we have been through is another hell.
This is not a glorious way to die for your country. Its torture.
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Did you by any chance base this poem on 'Dulce et Decorum est' and 'The Sentry' by Wilfred Owen, especially the last stanza?
I think you're trying to acheive a profound message, an incomprehensible situation when really, I know I personally have read so many poems like this before. Especially by infamous war hero poets. I just think this poem is a deflated version of those and it doesn't really have an original message or even original language because it is mostly narrative.
These are some grammatical mistakes too:
I search for THEIR (not 'there') scared cries
as I see MY (not 'ma') comrade
I'm sorry that my feedback sounds so negative but yes; the poem's fine, it's just not insightful or tear inducing in a way the reader has never seen before. The ideas, language and devices are basic and I think you should consider looking at the whole thing from a different angle to perhaps create a more unique poem.
Okay....here's that all my marks mean.
Underline = take out completely
Bold = needs work
Italics = i like this
All in all...i think this is more of a narrative broken up than an actual poem. I like your simile...but it was the only one in the entire poem--and this is a long poem to only have one simile or metaphor or anything like this. There just isn't enough description mixed with to much narrative, I think. ....I'm not exactly sure how to put that but I hope you get what I mean haha.
I think you are getting that the poem needs to have depth...but you just aren't portraying it quite right.
Keep working on it!