Published February 3, 2008
Thick black marks are left
After the essence of me has
Fallen from the core of my world.
The pinnacles of oneself are
soon put to rest,
As the smooth icy liquid seeps
through my veins,
And the ecstasy or the night
Becomes a reality.
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Hi cathy--
Well, I wasn't overly excited about this. It has some imagery, which is good...but I feel like there isn't enough in it to make a real difference for me. There just isn't enough story, not enough background, too many complete sentences...most of all we need to know why we are supposed to care about what is going on with the narrator? This is the "hook" of poetry, making the reader care. Relating the narrator to the reader in some way is even harder...but it really has to be done for any poem to make it very far.
Good luck and Happy Editing!
[quote="cathy"]Thick black marks are left What do you mean by this?
After the essence of me has
Fallen from the core of my world. How does this fit with the title?
The pinnacles of oneself are
soon put to rest,
As the smooth icy liquid seeps
through my veins,
And the ecstasy or the night
Becomes a reality.[/quote]
You need some work. Try to make it make sense better. Good luck gothgirl01
1. Your title sounds very amateur, and actually puts one off reading this poem. If you had had at least two critiques already, I would have gladly passed this by.
2. The use of the word "splodges" also puts one off. I'm thinking you mean "splotches," as that's an actual word and "splodges" isn't. It also has a colloquial sound that doesn't do the poem any favors.
3. The rest of the poem is not half-bad, and indeed has a good deal of potential, but I'm too distracted by the title and "splodges" too really be able to apply myself to the remaining lines. Fix what needs to be fixed, then work from there.