Published April 11, 2006
Deep within my heart of love,
There is a painful place,
It whispers in my ear at night,
And scars my lonely face.
Words and phrases cut me deep,
They pierce and scratch my mind,
They swarm around my head always,
And sometimes make me cry.
Deep within my heart of pain,
There is a loving place.
It whispers in my ear at night,
And joy comes to my face.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
I agree it is good, but the second stanza is still a little 'off beat'. My suggestion, instead of, in the second line of the second stanza, 'pierces and pcratch my mind', is: 'they pierce and scratch my mind'
Good Job.
So: Words and Phrases cut me deep,
They pierce and scratch my mind,
Also, it may help make the entire poem run more smoothly, and together if the second stanza incorporated the same rhyme pattern as the first and second stanzas (abcb).
I loved the rhyme/rhythm in this poem, it flowed really well, and this had emotions running throughout. Good job!
"Words and phrases cut me deep,
And pierces and scratch my mind,
They swarm around my head always,
And sometimes make me cry."
Better but.... pierces and scratches without the first And....
Pierces and scratches my mind
Better job though. Nice work... though it does look a lot shorter due to line expansion.
I've changed the second verse, but i still don't think it's quite right. What do you think?
I really liked it! It has a lot of potential and it's a good length. Keep it up!
this is the problem stanza. it doesn't fit with the rhythm nor rhyme. which is okay in some places, but here it's just awkward sounding to me....
I loved it. I agree with The Black Rose on the repitition, it was good. I would work on making the second stanza rhyme so that it would make the poem better. I liked the first stanza the most and can feel the emotion you put into it. I think you did a really good job.
LOved the first stanza in rhyme and rythm.... but then it came to this:
"The words and phrases
stab me hard,
My throbbing heart
starts to bleed."
Didn't really rhyme, then it started to rhyme with "need."
I liked the ending a bit, but the first three lines were the exact same, it was actually a good repitition.
Just work on the middle
And never say you have writers block again.