3 years since I saw you
3 years since you cared
3 years since I hugged you
Are you really still there?
You were in my memory
For years after we met
But nothing could keep you with me
The day you left me we wept
You'll be in my heart forever
That tiny pocket inside
Will never let you out my sight
Those perfect shining eyes
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Um, well, there are a couple things wrong with your poem. Firstly there's the rythm. Like mentioned earlier, the ryhming kinda' through the rythm off. I think that the poem would actually be better without the ryhming.
Yeah. There's something wrong with this. You see, I don't understand how they can both be sad when one left the other. Unless of course he died. If that were the case, you could certainly make that a little clearer. Also, if he did die, then he still wouldn't be weeping. Go figure. You could make this poem a little better if you took out the ryhming and expanded your idea a little bit.
i liked it but:
Are you really still there?
The day you left me we wept
These two lines seem too long comapred to the rest of the lines in the stanzas.
I dunno what it is, but when i read it, it seemed a bit..hmph, i cant word what im trying to say! BUt if you read it ot loud, these two lines seem a bit difficult to say.
Just a thought, hope it helped
I think this poem focuses far too much on the rhyming and it takes away from the meaning. It sounds rather repetetive. I don't much like it at all.
Try to focus less on the rhyming and more on the flow of the words. Poetry isn't all about rhyming, it's more about meaning.
As always,
POKE