GAH!! I did a detailed crit of this, but my computer had a stroke mid-posting.
-crit ticket-
I'll edit a proper critique here tomorrow.
z
Stretch your hand against the sky:
No puedo cubrir el cielo,* you sigh
and turn to me, your juice-stained lips
as tempting as any ripened fruit
a poet has ever used in metaphor.
And as you count your fingers, always
coming up with twenty, I steal a kiss;
your soul is rubber and your will is iron
but my soul is glass and my will your soul,
and I cannot resist the taste of grapes on your mouth.
You smile and divide ten by two
to press your lips against my palm;
strange, you never liked it when
I recited Romeo and Juliet to you.
No puedes cubrir el cielo, you smile.
- - - - -
*No puedo cubrir el cielo--Sp. "I cannot cover the sky." Comes from an old Puerto Rican saying, No puedes cubrir el cielo con la mano, or, "You cannot cover the sky with your hand." Also, in line 3.5, it's adjusted to more closely match the saying; whereas in line 1.2 she says "I cannot cover the sky," in like 3.5 she says, "You cannot cover the sky." Just thought I'd clue the non-Spanish speakers in.
GAH!! I did a detailed crit of this, but my computer had a stroke mid-posting.
-crit ticket-
I'll edit a proper critique here tomorrow.
Uhhh.. maybe my eyes get way too distracted, but take away the asterisk, please. Once I hit that asterisk, I get jogged back to reality and... I don't want to.
This poem was very good.
your soul is rubber and your will is iron
but my soul is glass and my will your soul,
Thanks, WM! Your comments certainly do help. Wow, this is better feedback than I've gotten on any of the other sites I've tried!
Stretch your hand against the sky:
No puedo cubrir el cielo,* you sigh
and turn to me, your juice-stained lips
as tempting as any ripened fruit
a poet has ever used in metaphor.
And as you count your fingers, always
coming up with twenty, I steal a kiss;
your soul is rubber, [s]and[/s] your will is iron
but my soul is glass and my will your soul,
[s]and[/s] I cannot resist the taste of grapes on your mouth.
You smile and divide ten by two
to press your lips against my palm;
strange, you never liked it when
I recited Romeo and Juliet to you.
No puedes cubrir el cielo, you smile.
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Reviews: 316
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