Published June 12, 2013
The next morning I was awoken from my incommodious slumber by my mothers terribly harsh voice. "Get up!" she ordered. This morning she sounded extremely pissed. I wondered what had caused her to act so upset. She growled and loudly yelled," Your damn father can't even get to a party early enough and you don't listen. I said to Get up!" She took her 4 inch heels and slammed down on my rib cage. I immediately woke up and let out a scream loaded with pain and suffering. I began feeling extreme pain while I breathed and knew that she broke one of my ribs. "Next time, you get up when I tell you," she warned. I continued to scream as the every breath brought more pain and discomfort. My mother turned on her heel and walked in an ostentatious,but casual manner. This was her form of mocking me and putting me in my place. I reached for the bed frame with my right hand and slowly got up. The pain was reaching a point to where it was nearly unbearable. I limped over to the marble sink and stood doubled over. I threw up in the sink and fell. I hit my head on the edge of the countertop and passed out. I could still hear around me though the sorrowful screams of my sister, the annoyed tone in my mothers voice, all of it. After a while I gave up on staying conscious and fell completely unconscious. Once again I found myself in that dream once more. I was still falling in that empty void of darkness. My tears continued to fall and sparkle. "Help me!" I continued to yell out of fear and desperation. I felt my body cutting through the thick air that otherwise occupied the void. I needed help,I didn't like being alone especially like this. As I realize that I had to forfeit on my part in a game of life and death, I let one more tear slide down my cheek. It sparkled as the others did,but instead of falling into the empty dark void like the rest it instead rose above me and continued to glisten. “What,” I asked in doubt. I tried one more time to scream for help as that one tear gave me hope. “Help! Someone Please! Tara, Sophie Morgan! Someone! Anyone!” I cried. No one came. How could I have believed in something so fictional? Everything always ends in my pain and suffering. It won’t ever change. I stretched out my hand and gave up on this sick dream game, and closed my eyes. I woke up with a pounding headache and a throbbing pain in my lower abdomen on a hospital bed. I was sweating once more. My vision was hazy and my thoughts cluttered. All of a sudden my memories before the blackout hit me like a tsunami hit a country. Instinctively I tensed, I wasn’t familiar to this place at all. I knew that it had been a hospital. It smelled of disease and medicine. I wondered how Jasmine was doing, if she was safe, if she was possibly as scared as I was. I didn’t want to think about this anymore,it just worried me. A doctor walked in accompanied by an officer. The doctor and the officer exchanged nervous glances before facing me, and saying the simplest, but scariest words I could ever hear,”Your sister was found terribly abused left for death,” the officer said sorrowfully. “She’s in a very critical condition, and there is no guarantee that she will pull through,” the doctor grimly added. I was stunned, I looked at the police officer who obviously had some other gruesome piece of news that he wanted to share. “What else,” I demanded rather rudely. He looked at me shocked, “Your step-father was murdered,” he started. That was actually good news, good-bye you living death bringer. Maybe my mom would become her once beautiful self again. “Your mother was the one who did it,” he added. That shocked me, my dreams of her return were forcibly crushed in an instant. The two man looked at my expression full of hatred and anger, and came to the conclusion of giving me some space. The two of them walked out of my room without saying a word leaving me alone with all of my mixed emotions, sparkling tears,and the ever so painful feeling of being alone.
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Part 2 begins now! This chapter is good too. Same thing as before with formatting better. I think you add too much unnecessary details to your work; for example: "marble sink" and "sorrowful screams". It just seems like it ruins the flow of the work to me. I think you can make the word flow together more poetically. The imagery is good, but flow is just as important. Sometimes too many details makes a work unappealing to readers. Other than that, good job!
When I saw this in the green room and went back and read the first part. You had done a great job there, and no less here.
You have great description, I can easily imagine what you are trying to tell. When I read that the mother too kicked Carmen in the chest I was shocked because I didn't know the mother too had morphed into a cruel being.
This sentence sounded awkward.
how about,
"It sparkled as the others did but instead of falling into the empty dark void like the rest, it rose above me and continued to glisten."
I feel you can end with tsunami. or "like a tsunami hitting a country"
I see that like part one, this piece too has a problem with paragraphs.
I liked the ending. I feel for the two girls, the emotions are well written.
9/10.
Good work!
Keep Writing.
-manisha
There are some paragraph issues. When the mother starts talking, i suggest you make it a new paragraph. I like how you realistically describe the pain and anguish of Carmen and Jasmine. Also, do they usually give news about a murder in a hospital bed? I am not trying to contradict your story; I am just genuinely curious. In my point of view, I think it would be safer if she healed and then they told her the news, but I guess the story wouldn't progress fast enough if that happened. When i read your story, I really feel bad for the two children :'(, and I really love your style of writing
. Please write some more, and I will make sure to read all of your stories.
Happy Writing
- UnicornSmilz
Thanks UnicornSmilz, I hadn't thought of it that way! This isn't a finished copy yet anyway so ill definitely think of that when I'm editing it. Thanks again!