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Young Writers Society



Love,Friends,and Family. Oh My!- Chapter 1

by catcha01


I sat on my bedroom with its lime green bed spread, in my sky blue bedroom. My green earbuds were in my ears as a playlist of my favorite songs attempted to drown out my parents latest argument. I knew that they were drunk. They're sppech was slurred and every now and then I heard the breaking of a beer bottle. I turned my music up a bit louder and fell aslseep. I found myself in a dream. It was happy. I saw my little sister Jasmine playing in the sand wearing her favorite purple and frilly one piece bathing suit. She was laughing and I saw her smile that I loved. One that I hadnt seen in a long time . Next to her was a man and woman whom I recognized. It was my mother and my real father. "Mommy, Daddy" my sister said happily as she was putting the finishing touches on her sand castle. My mother lighly kissed her forehead and I couldnt help but smile. Then suddenly the once beautiful scene changed into the exact replica of my life. My father's face morphed into the monster my mother chose to marry after he died. My mothers once beautiful and neat compusure changed into the one that she maintains now a druken low-life, and my sisters beautiful clear skin turned to reveal blood, cuts, and multiple bruises. She began to scream my name,"Carmen! Carmen help me!" she yelped. Then the horrid scene broke into millions of miniscule pieces leaving me in total blackness on a white tiled square. Then the square broke and I began falling into a void of total emptiness and darkness. I began to cry and my tears sparkled like a single star in the night," Help me! Someone help me!" I screamed through my tears. I closed my eyes and woke up on my bed, I was sweating and breathing really fast. Both my earbuds had fallen out. "It was just a dream," I told myself in an attempt of finding possible comfort. As my breathing began to slow, the same horrifying scream of my sister had returned. My breathing sped up once again as I came to the realization that my nightmare was comig true. My sister must've just returned from swimming because she was still wearing her wet bathing suit, but it looked different. It was ripped and stained with blood, whom I assumed was hers. She yelped the same words that she did in my dream,"Carmen! Carmen help me!" She ran at full speed and leaped into my arms and began hysterically crying.. I slowly stroked her hair and whispered," Shhhh," into her ear," It's alright, your safe," As I reassured my sister of her safety I heard footsteps accompnied by the voice of my step-father Vicent Lacerta. "Oh Jazzie, come out and play!" he said. He honestly sounded like a drunken and disorientated circus clown. I panicked as a million thoughts began to crowd my mind. Quickly without any deep thought into it I lifted my bedspread and instructed her to climb under and hide. She crawled under and I put my idex finger to my mouth signaling her to stay quiet. I quickly fixed my bed to hide any trace of her being under there and apprehensively waited for him to arrive in my bedroom. As the footsteps grew louder a whole new level of fear and anxiety began to flood my body. The thought of the damge this man could do when drunk and angry made me want to scream, but I knew better than to risk my life by preforming such a senseless action. When he first reached the doorway neither of us said noithing. This truly terrefied because from him no words was a dangerous sign. His white t-shirt was stained with beer and his jeans were pierced with holes and ripped. I broke into a cold sweat. I put my head down, so that my hair covered my eyes. "Where is she," he demanded. I didn't answer no I couldn't answer I was paralyzed with fear and couldnt speak. " Where is she?!," he demanded once more except much louder. " I don't know," I said quietly." "What," he demanded. " I don't know," I repeated louder this time so that even my mother downstairs would be able to clearly hear me. He looked shocked, but also furious that I had dared to use such a tone with him. " Leave her alone!," I yelled," What has she done to deserve any of this? It should be you living a life of hell and darkness not her!" I yelled even louder. I don't know why I had been so rash in choosing my words as to say something so consequensial that it could possibly get me killed in the end. Vincents face was full of pure hatred for me. He marched twords me and clamped his hand tightly around my throat. The more his hand constricted me from breathing, the more of a grip I lost on the world around me. I thought about what would happen if I gave up now and left Jasmine to fend for herself. I tried my best to stay awake and most importantly alive. Vincents face began to fill with satisfaction as he saw me suffer. I began to pray for nothing less than a miracle, and its as if by fate my miracle finally made its grand and much needed appearence. My miracle came in the form of a lowlife druken woman, whom I was sadly cursed to refer to as mother. Her sweet delicate voice that she used with everyone but my sister and I traveled through the house,"Sweetheart we can't be late or all the good wine will be gone," she said teasingly. Vicent looked at me and grunted as he let go of my neck and let me fall to the ground. He then took his size 14 foot and pressed it to my abdomen. I coughed, he bent down and applied more pressure on the foot placed on my stomach. "If you ever try to talk to me that way again I'll gladly kill you and that runt you call a sister got it," he said sterntly. He got up and lifted his foot only to smash it down in the same place again. I let out an agony filled scream as I watched him walk out of my room and heard him run down the stairs. His footsteps were then accompanied by my mothers loud high heels. I then heard the creaking of the door and the loud slam. "It's okay," I told my self, and then I blacked out.


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21 Reviews


Points: 397
Reviews: 21

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Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:18 am
nmk1128 wrote a review...



Firstly, I'd like to say Merry Summer Christmas! lol. Alright so I'll begin. I think you really need to fix your layout because that's a big ol' chunk a text. I also think that words like "really" and "very" aren't needed to express a point. Try expressing your thoughts with a word that means "really ____" or make the emotion the is "really" it's own sentence to set it apart from everything. It adds effect. So far it's reading nicely! Good work!




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189 Reviews


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Reviews: 189

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Thu Jun 20, 2013 8:37 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hey there!

I'm going to say I loved this piece! Love the way you started it off, playing around with colors. The story gripped me and I enjoyed reading every bit of it.
As I'm here to review let me pick out the minor problems I had with this piece.
I found some typos(which happens with everyone), I'll point out few for you.

They're sppech was slurred and every now and then I heard the breaking of a beer bottle. I turned my music up a bit louder and fell aslseep.

They're = Their. They're = they are, which is a wrong usage here.
aslseep = asleep.
She was laughing and I saw her smile that I loved. One that I hadnt seen in a long time .

She was laughing and I saw her smile, the smile I loved.
hadn't.
It was ripped and stained with blood, whom I assumed was hers.

It was ripped and stained with blood, which I assumed was hers.
As I reassured my sister of her safety I heard footsteps accompnied by the voice of my step-father Vicent Lacerta.

accompnied= accompanied.

Alright, there are few more, but it can be corrected with more editing.

Also I find no paragraphs in the piece. It looks like one big block of words. I suggest you add paragraphs. It helps with the flow and reading.

Your emotions are great, the characters are well defined. Great job!

- manisha




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11 Reviews


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Sat Jun 15, 2013 2:50 am
KnightZero wrote a review...



Okay, I may be an awesome friend or follower or whatever, but 'cha know, reviewing ain't all that bad.

Firstly, I'd like to commend you for improving and making the thesaurus your best friend! It improves your writing and makes it sound something to your own level--without an over usage of it.
However, on the other hand, in the future it would be best to get more in depth with the characterization, (I have read both chapters) but thus far, you're doing better than expected. You've exceeded my standard expectations. Grammar wise, you'll need to fix things here and there as well as dividing up your paragraphs, but it's good! c: Keep it up and don't let your readers hangin' c:




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21 Reviews


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Reviews: 21

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Sun Jun 09, 2013 2:15 pm
bigmacloves wrote a review...



Hey Catcha01 it is Bigmacloves here for another revire,
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! This was an outstanding piece of literature it left me wanting more. I love how you made it so realistic. I really enjoyed how she protected her sister like that it made me feel so warm and fuzzy in side. So all I can say is hurry the fuck up with the next chapter.

Honestly Bigmacloves




catcha01 says...


Thanks so much bigmacloves that means so much to me :) I'll definitely
Post chapter two as soon as I can!



bigmacloves says...


I will be looking forward to it




Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning