Survival of the Extinct Chapter 2

by cat4prowl

  • Novel / Chapter

Published March 8, 2008

-undergoing major reconstruction, check back later-

Comments & reviews · 4
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Wolf
Review
Wolf wrote a review Review · Mar 12, 2008

I'm here for chapter two! :D
... scratch that. I saw the under construction' thing when I came back to finish this... (it was saved as a draft).
So, this is what I have so far:

The sun rose above the craggy outline of the Rhishtia mountains just as we reached the lake.


I still think 'Rhishtia' should be in italics...

It was small, maybe eighty-five feet across, and only about nine feet deep, but it was a great place to enjoy the last warm days before the migration.


I think it's odd that a dinosaur would know how long a foot is. Wouldn't they use another form or measuring? For example, in the Warriors book series by Erin Hunter, the cats use terms like 'mouse-length' and
fox-length'. You might want to try something like that, such as 'tail-length'.

We usually run carefully, fast, and vicious but today she was running carefree and excited.


Maybe it should be: We usually run carefully, quickly and viciously, but today she was running carefree and excited.

It was a nice change. She waded in without hesitation and soon had to paddle to keep her head above the surface.

I glanced over at Loki, caught his eye, and then nodded towards the lake. We ran together, but apart. Our breathing was separated. We were not a focused, well-bred pack today; we were on vacation.

It felt strange.

Loki and I hit the water full-speed, sending us tumbling forward. I heard Lathe enter behind us just as Zya whipped her tail across the water to splash me.

I let out a peculiar laughing cry and splashed her back. We continued that way for a while, splashing and laughing.

Then the Carnotauruses arrived. Have you ever seen an enormous killing machine who is afraid of water?

Me neither.

They barreled in just as we had, sending waves rolling our way that near-drowned us. I heard Loki cough when he swallowed some water and I noticed the new look of concern Zya gave him. I caught her eye, smiling slightly, and she looked away in embarrassment.

The water barely came up the midsection of the Carnotauruses, but I was still surprised when they began lying down. It got pretty crowded after that.
“C’mon guys, lets head up to the rocks,” I clicked, already heading for shore.


This seems kind of weird. According to my spell-check, 'Carnotauruses' isn't a real word. Furthermore, I haven't a clue what they look like -- you might want to describe them, and tie in the imagery with how they made Tage feel. :)

I was the leader after all.


Comma after 'leader'.

I shivered slightly when we got out of the water, feeling strangely wet.


'feeling strangely wet' sounds odd. Of course she's wet; she's just been in the water. If you're trying to say that it felt strange to be so wet, then you might want to make it clearer. :wink:

A high keening call cut through the air.


Comma after 'high'.

Microraptors were feathered, flying creatures that were extremely challenging to hunt, but were one of the finest delicacies.


That description of the Microraptors is kind of telling rather than showing. You could infer what they look like and that they're hard to catch later, when the pack is hunting.

Then I remembered Lathe was the best pouncer and revised my plan, hopefully, for the last time.


'pouncer' isn't a real word. You might try: was the best at pouncing.

It felt weird, stalking without my pack, but I looked over and saw them doing their job so I continued.


Comma after 'job'.

Luckily it had rained recently, so the dust wasn’t bad. I had to watch the mud though.


Comma after 'Luckily' and after 'mud'. :wink:

Zya and Lathe knew it too.


This is telling rather than showing -- not a good thing. You should show the reader their behaviour to infer that they knew it.

About ten minutes later, he was up.


How would dinosaurs know what minutes are?!

The Micro squawked but didn’t take off just yet, it knew we hunted in packs.


Replace the comma with a semicolon.

Zya leaped out next, clicking her killing claws and pressing in on the Micro.


Always with the killing claws! You should vary your descriptions a bit. =P

It spread its wings tentatively, a look of pure panic in the dull eyes.


How would panic look in eyes? They're dull, so maybe you should show us how the panic lit up the dull eyes or something like that?

This was what I never got about Herbivores, they always froze up when they could escape.


Replace the comma with a semicolon or: This was what I never got about Herbivores -- they always froze up when they could escape.

Make the kill.


Should that be in italics? :P

I suppressed my shrieks, encouraging the pack to take the distraction and kill the Micro, because for the amount of pain that was inflicted on my back there was an equal amount of hunger ravaging through me.


Comma after 'back'. :wink:

----

And that''s what I got done yesterday! It probably won't be much help, as you're restarting, but I couldn't let my critique go to waste. :lol:

Cheers,
Camille xx

User avatar
cat4prowl
Comment
cat4prowl commented Comment · Mar 12, 2008

thanks for the comment bigbad! i think im going to scratch this and start over, with a more dino feel, like i said in ch. 1 thanks again!

User avatar
BigBadBear
Review
BigBadBear wrote a review Review · Mar 9, 2008

Hya! Why has no one reviewed this? It's such a nice story... O.o

We usually ran careful, fast, and vicious but today she was running carefree and excited.


That whole bolded part is discombobulated. Let me fix it for you. "We usually run carefully,"

I shivered slightly when we got out of the water, feeling strange wet


Feeling strangely not feeling strange...

:) This is a good story. I really like it. It's innocent and fun to read. But I only have one suggestion that I think you need. Feeling. Everyone loves emotions - it's part of our daily diet. hehe. Right now, all you have are words. Play with them. They are meant to be edited. Use similes and metaphors. Some poetic stuff could really help this. Emotions are a great thing to use. You have pure action. We want to know what Tage and the pack are feeling.

Great job, Cat. I'll be looking for more.

-Jared



You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss