Survival of the Extinct Chapter 1

I thought I already reviewed this! Ah well, I read it, then had to leave the house, I think.

I will definitely review it when you post it again!

Sorry. >.>

~Azila~

-awaits expectantly-

thanks for the comments everyone! i think im going to scratch this and start over, with a more dino feel. thanks again!

My word to describe this piece was interesting. Maybe it's just me, but I thought it got kind of boring throughout. But then again I'm not a big dinosaur person, so that may be it.

I give you point for creativity, though. I liked how they communicated by clicks and sounds. That was neat.

Moving on to your use of the english language...

“Sickly Gallimimus 10 o’clock,”
I don't think that in this particular time era that clocks had even been invented. And would dinosuars even know which direction ten o'clock is?

“Yeah,” I admitted reluctantly.
This is way too modern of a word to use. "Yes," would be better. I noticed that you used "yeah" a few times. Might want to go back and revise that.

I didn't really notice anything else. It bothered me when you used C'mon and headin', etc. Donisuars existed a LONG time ago, and our slang weren't even thought up yet. How would they know to use it? For this type of story I would use whole worgs, like "going" instead of "heading".

There were a few other phrases but I can't remember and I don't have time to go back.

On a more postive note, I really did, in general, like it. It wasn't bad.

Keep writing.

You requested, so here I am!

From behind a thick wall of springy ferns and broad-leafed plants stared a pair of intense eyes. They were mine; and they were hungry.

I shifted my weight backwards although I was fairly sure no Herbivores could see us through the dense forage.

I clicked my killing claw decisively and then let out a low commanding trill, signaling the attack.

I lowered my head to the ground, my arms trailing in the grass, blades tickling my nostrils and placed my hind legs carefully, not wanting to startle the herd.

“Velociraptors!” a Gallimimus shrieked and the herd stampeded.

My pack was relieved when the Iguanodons took off; their thumbs left scratches that stung for weeks, unlike most injuries we sustained.

I wasn’t surprised when the herd leader, a nearly extinct long-necked Titanosaurus, dropped back flanked by three feisty Triceratops.

“Sickly Gallimimus 10 o’clock,” I clicked and the pack dropped into a flat out sprint, evading the triceratops.

I felt immensely proud, we really were elite. (We were all part of Brozen’s elite hunting scout pack)

Carnivores weren’t all that affectionate unless it was with their mate and the only mated pare among us were Juno and Atreus.

“It’ll hold us over,” Juno noted, “Besides we won’t catch anything else in that stampede.”

“Time to report to Brozen?” Loki clicked uncertainly, he was always uneasy about that part.

Zya brushed her tail against him to settle his nerves.

We turned and headed towards the Rhishtia mountain range where the pack lived.

She lay on the ground and Juno reached down his head to touch hers.

They had been together two mating seasons, older than the rest of the troop who hadn’t seen one mating season yet.

I never liked going through the tunnel because the rain collected above it and dripped inside, leaving an eerie clammy feeling.

The click of our killing claws echoed throughout the damp chamber as we entered it, disturbing the puddles of rain that had collected.

We followed the tunnel through a right turn, then a left until we came upon another arch like hole that opened into a large chamber.

A small rockslide near the ceiling had caused a skylight that lit up the grassy oval.

There were several spacious caves cut into the massive slabs of rock all around the chamber.

Brozen appeared from the shadows of his rocky cave with his mate Sanai, “Tage! How was your hunt?”

I will be leading the hunt as usual, Tage will lead her elite scouting group ahead of us.

It was round and secluded but large enough for all for of us.

I sunk to the ground and stretched into a comfortable position with my head on a rock.

Zya lay down next to me and Loki and Lathe took their spots across from us.

Zya’s tail was curled comfortably around mine, her large eyes closed for once.

I snorted at the memory, Zya was small and energetic with a slim body and a smooth head.

She was a softer color than the rest of us and we all treated her like a little sister, especially Lathe who was in fact her brother. And lately Loki had shown a little more interest in her. Well, I told myself, it was nearing mating season and it was typical for a member of a pack to mate one of their hunting partners because they knew them so well.

I glanced at Loki, who was on his back with his head thrust back, a snarling snore sounding when he breathed. He had always been a weird one. Loki had a very angular head, large eyes, and an unusually stocky body. He was nervous but dependable on a hunt, and he was careful which I needed sometimes. We got overexcited a lot but Loki kept us in check. He and Zya would be together this mating season, I was sure of it. A third of my pack paired off. Leaving just me and Lathe…

He had a well-formed head that balanced out his sleek powerful body, a pride of breeding in the herd.

A perfectly formed hunting machine. Those were rare.

I was proud to have him in my pack, he was a good hunter.

He growled softly, “You are so annoying Tage.”

I looked over, it was always interesting to watch her wake up.

Then he spotted Zya, “ZYA!! What was that for?”

“C’mon sleepyhead, we’re headin to the lake,” I clicked.

Hi there, Cat!

Well I'm going to try to be as critical as possible because I guess that's the point.

before I do big bad wolf, I'd like to point out that t-Rex's don't hunt in packs and would therefore have been ill suited to the story.


p.s I am intrigued by Norse mythology too!

Well I think your story was generally very well described, you made a few minute spelling mistakes but nothing major.
While it is incredibly easy to read and get into I suggest you have a look over it for those little bits that snag which seem all the more obvious when you're this good!

The story was fluid, very lifelike and it held my imagination.
I have to say i have never seen anything like it other than -shudder-
'the land before time' but that takes a whole different approach!
As for the speech I'll admit it seemed awkward but I can see this being a modern day jungle book.
The animals don't have to talk all mighty and exquisitely for you to get the picture, you can do this with as it was put 'teens speak'
and esp~ if you are aiming for a teen audience.
(if not I'd suggest changing only that!)


I think this is excellent at your age!
Most have difficult with the structure never mind the story!
KEEP IT UP!

Hey! This was a good start! But still... raptors? C'mon! T-Rex's are soooooo much cooler!

Anyway, my personal life to the side:

It was very intriguing. I like the whole 'dinosaur' thing that you have going on. *high fives* And I like it because it's about carnivorous. Herbivores are really stupid, I think. No teeth to fight with... yeah. Stop blabbering!

One thing that made me go, "Ugh" inside is your talking. I'm not quite sure about it. You make it seem as if they are human teenagers. They're not. They're dinosaurs. But dinos' don't talk. Gah. I'm making no sense.

It's just that the dialogue really bummed me out. But it adds loads of personality. So, I'm kinda so-so with it.

You had a HUGE info dump, and you know it. But, still, it kinda worked out. You didn't overload us with very much information. Just enough to get us informed.

Well done, Cat! I'll be looking for more!

-Jared