Published May 12, 2008
There is a moment after that first drink hits, a moment in which you feel like you can do anything. That first drink is just enough to save you from the world, to make you forget why you ever needed even the first drink. Unfortunately, it lasts all of fifteen minutes, and as your world crumbles to pieces at your feet, you begin to realize that the best way to keep from ever feeling the fade is to never have a moment after the first drink. You throw back two, three at a time, and it makes sense to just never stop. So you try, but there is always that dreadful in between time, where you are waiting, waiting for what will make it all better and you forget why you're alive in the first place. And deep down you realize you can never experience that first drink again, at least not tonight, because you fear the moment where your post-first drink happiness fades into your pre-second drink sadness.
Also fairly old, and nothing I'm incredibly pleased with, but I'm trying to bring this up to date on some of my more recent pieces.
This sort of ties in with my "series" (if you can call it that - it's really more of a collection of short stories) about my pet characters, a couple, but it stands alone just as well, I think.
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The idea was to be highly repetitive, and I didn't want any specific character with this. It was more of a style experiment than anything.
In this context, the 'first drink' simply means breaking her dry spell - the first drink in a series or a night.
Thank you. Length isn't one of my strong points.
What could be good with this is you found another word to use for drink and kept us guessing and didn't mention until the end that the narrative was about drink
Haha, okay, I might as well throw in my two cents too.
First of all, I think you use the word "drink" a bit too much here. Every other word seems to be drink, and it's slightly annoying in that way. If you revised it so that there was more character involve and the mention of drinks would be dispersed, then it might be better.
Also, I think the person who suggested the, "Add a character!" thing is right. Right now, this seems to be a strange introduction that doesn't catch, so it sort of fails. If you can include a character who seems even the slightest bit human, it's going to be much catchier and your message will have a better chance of sticking.
Good luck with your bunch of short stories!
I think it is quite good however what does 'first drink' really represent. Is it the first exposure to alcohol or is it the first drink that causes your emotions to numb?
Still i think it is actually quite good. And as for length it's about quality not quantity. Although, it could be a little longer
Adele x
I like it, partly because I understand exactly where your coming from, id like to read that series because I feel like i would have short story's maybe the same characters. id like to read more
Once I've written something more solid about the character, I will definitely add it here, and probably include bits and pieces of this within that. I haven't done a good character sketch in a while and she's been bouncing around in my brain and appearing randomly in other short things for a year or so now, so I'm trying to get a better story about her.
Thanks for the advice from all corners of possibility, I'll consider all of them. =)
it does need lenght and detail, but the last line did make me laugh. I liked it. I have never had a drink oin my entire life so I really have no idea how I would relate to it besides one of my dads friends who drinks a ton. It reminded me of him and how funny he is when he is drunk. I liked it and if this is the type of stuff you like to write you need to PM me when you make your next short.
Church
Short, yes.
A lot to critique on, no.
But Interesting and different, YES!
It is a little too short to really mention anything about it. I seemed like a random paragraph from a longer story. It was if you just chose it from one story and posted it as your own.
But, it has potential. Lengthening and adding more detail can make this a lot better.
Just read it over out loud and maybe an idea will come to mind. That usually helps me if I am stuck.
Well, Good Luck with this!
Upon rereading this I got an idea. You could always turn this into a poem. Add some concrete images and the transformation would be pretty easy. Just an idea.
I like this, it is short but its good. It paints a clear picture for the reader and I think this is a wonderful example of the fact that something dosent have to be long to get through an idea.
By the way I don't think that it needs to be longer, maybe you could revolve a character around it.
I agree - this is too short to critique fully.
A quick comment before I begin - either I can't count, or this was six sentences exactly. You should submit this! SixSentences. It's an awesome site.
Also, try not to say 'first drink' quite so much. At times 'it' will suffice.
Now for the lengthening part:
Turn this into a story, not a rambling. Let us experience the first drink with the character, and then the desperate attempt to get it back.
Choose a night when (s)he'll be drinking. Write for that day. Turn it into an actual scene - anyone else there? Where is (s)he? Stuff like that, that makes a real story.
Good job, but it is just a ramble. Still, you made me think, so kudos to you.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415
The character in question feels like she can't function without alcohol - that's what I mean by being able to do anything. This falls into place sometime after she started trying to get "clean."
You raise a valid point, though, one I didn't consider and will now.
It's a nice description and a fairly interesting take on alcohlism, but I must argue whether that first drink is really that special for anybody who drinks. I mean, considering the fact that one drink doesn't really make you feel anything, I doubt that it would give you the feeling "that you can do anything". I guess to alcoholics, the first drink is special because it ends the withdrawal syndromes or whatever they are called, but to everyone else, me included, first drinks usually just mean you have a long way to go before getting drunk.
I never realized just how much that makes sense. I never knew why they felt happier after drinking. I myself have never had a drink in my life, so I wouldn't know. Maybe you don't know either. Even so, the logical thinking of how it WOULD work is amazing. Good job!
I agree it would be nicer as a longer piece, but if this is all there is, then it's pefectly fine.
Thanks for the suggestions.
I'm not sure how much more I'm going to do with this... Unless I completely rewrite it, I might just decide that it's too frustrating to deal with.
The idea of lengthening scares me so any advice in case I decided to do so would be appreciated.
Like the above person said, it's hard to catagorize this, and thus is hard to critique. It seems almost like venting, to someone, or maybe yourself. Could be someone you know, or you talking to yourself from another perspective, which raises interesting thoughts and emotions. The beginning is pretty nice, to the point. I felt around the middle of it though, it started to get vague. But the ending was really nice, "Oh yeah, cool" moment. I see it alot in short story writers, when writers try to become poets for a second without noticing. Sometimes it comes out corny, but the last line sounds good, feels right and ends the piece nicely. Overall, dissect the middle and ask yourself what you're writing it for.
Hey, and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella.
There isn't a lot to critique about this, and I'm not really sure whether I liked it or not. It's short, so I don't have much to say really. But you could lengthen it. Why would you be hiding from the world? What are you trying to forget? And describe the drink itself. Not the drink, but the taking of it. How does it feel? Describe the effect taking over, then dying down.
That's all I can really say, beef it out...
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x