z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Dark Side of the Moon

by cassidy3


Chapter 1

“Hey brat,” My uncle called from the living room. “You forgot my drink!”

I sigh “Sorry Uncle, I’ll get one now.” My tone was even and innocent even though my fists were clenched and my teeth were grinding against each other. I walk to the fridge to grab a beer for him when something green on the counter catches my eye. A twenty-dollar bill. I look back at the entrance to the kitchen to make sure he isn’t there, and snatch it up, hiding it in my pocket. Then, I rush back to the living room and give him his drink. I then ask him, “May I go outside?” He glares at me, but to my surprise says, “One hour. If you come in any later than that, you won’t be allowed back out there for a month! Got it?” I nod once and rush towards the backdoor. I take a deep breath of the cool night air. I always felt stronger at night, with the moon beaming down on me. I lay down on the ground and savor the coolness, the freshness, the rightness.

Next thing I know I wake up, the side of my face smushed on the grass. I panicked and ran inside. My uncle was asleep on the couch, a puddle of drool next to him. I sneak out the door, down the lane, and into the convenience store where the shop owner, Freddy, greets me with a sympathetic smile “You found money?” he asked, as he understands my situation. “Yup,” I reply. I go and grab a bag of potato chips, chocolate milk, and a chocolate bar. He took the twenty and gave me my change. I waved goodbye and sneaked back to the house, down the stairs of the basement, and to the corner where my bed and clothing was. As I lay down on the thin mattress I think about how mysterious it is that I felt a surge of power in the moonlight. It sounded like something out of a fantasy book. I just lied there, pondering this until my eyelids fluttered shut and I fell into a dream.

Suddenly there was a voice. "For so long we have waited to see you." I look around. "H-Hello?" I cry into the gloom. "Who are you?" I ask "What do you want?!" My voice cracks. No, I think to myself I will not cry. But even as I think that tears are sliding down my cheeks. "Don't cry little one." The voice says "I am here to help you." Suddenly, two figures appear before me. A woman. She is wearing an elegant set of black robes. She looks familiar but I can't remember who she is. Next to her is a man in the same outfit but more masculine. They both looked at me with love and warmth in their eyes. "Wh-who are you?" I ask in bewilderment. The woman frowns. "Has it truly been so long that you don't remember our faces?" Then I gasp, remembering why they look so familiar. "Mom?" I ask in shock "Dad?" They nod, tears of joy sliding down their cheeks "Oh," The woman- no my mother cried “It has been so long.” I ran up and embraced them. I grin giddily, feeling like a child. Then she straightened and her voice became stern "Listen well child," She says while wiping the tears off my cheeks, "There are so many things you do not know about the world, including the reason why your uncle resents you so.” I jump up and ask “What is it?” But before she can answer, both her and my father dissolve to mist, leaving me alone in the darkness. I fall to my knees, shouting for help. “Mom?” I whimper as I start sobbing “Dad?” I’m sobbing now “Anyone?” I hit my head on something and the world goes black. I wake up, weeping and in a cold sweat, as my uncle stands over me in disgust. I notice his fists are clenched and I realize that he must have slapped my head, causing me to wake up. I crawl out of bed and when he leaves, start getting dressed. When I am fully clothed I sit on my bed and try to stop trembling. I spend the rest of the day in a stupor, trying to understand what my mother had meant. Then, I came to a decision. That night while my uncle slept, I snuck away with money, food, and drinks. I jog towards the woods, alert as a predator stalking its prey. Snap! The breaking of a twig. I whip my head in the direction of the sound. What I see startles me. A girl, in blue robes with gold lining, black boots, and a hood. Her eyes glow silver as the moonlight, like mine. She starts sprinting away, agile as a cat, fast as the wind. I dash after her, trying my best not to trip on rocks, fallen branches, and roots. Eventually, she disappears into a bush. I follow her through and am amazed at what I see. A bustling village crowded with people that look just like the girl I was pursuing. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my back. I turn around just in time to see the girl I had followed, holding a bow and arrow before my knees buckled and everything went black.

I wake up, a metallic taste in my mouth, I groan, everything is so bright. “Finally,” I hear someone say exasperatedly, “You’re awake.” I blink my eyes, trying to find my bearings. “Who are you?” I ask, my voice was hoarse. I look around. I’m in a cave of sorts, on a mattress. “Why should I tell you?” They asked. I stand straight up and stalk towards them. “Why should you tell me?” I ask, red from anger “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you kidnapped me!” I drive my finger into their chest and hiss “Trust me, you will regret it far less if you just tell me now.” They stare at me, taken aback by my sudden rage. “Ok, geez...” I relax and collapse onto the mattress suddenly feeling faint, all signs of anger gone. They look at me cautiously. “My name is Sam, nice to meet you.” I realized that Sam was the person whom I’d seen in the woods earlier. “So,” I said, trying to make small talk, “How has this village not been discovered already? I mean, it’s huge.” Sam looked at me like I was an idiot. “There’s a spell over it that only someone with Night Elf blood can find it, duh.” A what? “...Sam?” I ask, my voice shaky “Does that mean... I’m a Night Elf?” She seems surprised but quickly responds “Well if you found the village I guess you are…” She pauses, then looked at me as if seeing me in a new light. “I wonder...could you be their daughter?” I was confused. What was she talking about? I tried to control my shaking “What do you mean?” I ask, scared of how she’d respond. “Sam…” But she was looking at me, terrified. I turned around to see what she was looking at, then saw something in my peripheral vision. I looked down to see that my whole body had been surrounded by a shimmering silver aura, and had enough time to hear a man’s voice saying “Well, well. The chosen one has arrived.” Before I felt chains go around my wrists as they drag me away.

They haul me across the village while everyone watches in astonishment. I realize I’m still glowing and try to look as inconspicuous as possible, but it’s no use. I hear hushed voices but I pay them no mind. All I can concentrate on is my feet while I stumble along, trying not to fall, lest they start dragging me again. Eventually, my escort and I arrive at a spacious cavern. They shove me into the entrance while the leader calls out, “Here she is, my lord.” I have a moment of panic at the words ‘my lord’, But when he walks from behind the curtain of vines, he looks like a kind man, and my observation is proven correct when he gets aggravated at my entourage for chaining me up and dragging me throughout the village. “And why,” he says in a clipped tone, “Would you chain her like a prisoner?” The guards start to look anxious. “W-well she’s an outsider, my lord.” The look the guard is greeted with upon hearing that was one of disgust and anger. “So, you found it prudent to lock this young woman in chains and haul her across the village?” The guard looked like a small rodent facing a predator. “Yes sir.” The guard said, surprisingly his voice firm and arrogant as ever. But that was not the tone the man wanted from him, for when he said “Well I can take it from here, thank you very much.” His tone was too forced, and his smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

When the guards were gone he turned to face me. His expression turned from anger to pity as he saw how scared I looked. “I’m so sorry my dear girl.” He said, his voice soft and kind. “My guards are not the most...empathetic men I’m afraid.” He unbound my wrists and led me away from the entrance, deeper into the cave. Eventually, we reached a grand room, that looked like an office. He sat down at the chair behind the mahogany desk, which would’ve looked regal except he immediately slumped down and put his hands to his temples.

I feel a little nervous, but I ask him, “Sir, what’s your name?” He looks up and seems to just realize I was there. “My name is Lord Lennox.” He sits up straight in his chair. “I’m so sorry my dear girl.” He looks exhausted- like he hasn’t slept in weeks. He takes a deep breath. “My power over the village is waning, every day I lose more and more support.” He looks me in the eyes and says, “You are my only hope to save my village.” I look at him, confused. “Lord, how do you think I can save you?” He stands up and walks to me, and to my shock says, “You are our savior, for you are the daughter of a sorcerer, the only one in two centuries.”

I stumble out of the cavern, distraught. I manage to get back to the cave where I first awoke. I find Sam sitting on a small wooden chair biting her fingernails nervously. She looks up at me and asks “So...what happened?” I sigh heavily and plop down onto the mattress. “Well for starters,” I say dryly “I found out I’m the village’s only hope for salvation.” She stares at me in disbelief.

She listens intently as I tell her what transpired in Lord Lennox’s office. When I get to the part about being the daughter of the only sorcerer in two centuries, she cuts me off. “So you are their daughter.” Her face is a mask of wonder as she gazes off into the distance. “If she is their daughter, the aura must mean-” I cut her off with an aggravated glare. “Who are these people you’re talking about?” I ask, my voice getting louder as I grow angrier by the second “And tell me everything you know about why I was surrounded in that glowing silver aura.” She gawks at me, startled at my sudden eruption. I try to relax but it’s hard, my head is spinning too fast, my breath coming in short gasps, the world out of focus. Sam tries to reach for my shoulders to hold me down but I slap her hand away. “Tell me everything you know about what just happened to me.” She doesn’t respond. “Sam?” Tears start running down her cheeks, as she sits down and hugs herself. “Sam…” my voice is soft with confusion and sympathy, “What happened?” She looked at me, tears dripping down her chin. “I…” She takes a deep breath, but it sounded more like a sob. “I can’t tell you.” she said, her voice shaking as she held her knees close to her chest. This worries me further. “Sam please tell me.” She was shaking her head fervently as she continued to mutter, “I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you.” I try to calm her down but she continues to shake and sob. Eventually, I end up sitting there with her while she cries. After sitting with her for about an hour, I notice she’s asleep. I gently lift her head and put a pillow under her. I cover her with a blanket and sneak out of the cavern. I walk through the village, worrying about Sam and myself until suddenly...thud. I fall back on my tailbone, letting out a yelp of pain. The stranger looks pissed. “Man, watch where you’re going!” I stood up, seething. “Listen, man, I’ve had a really rough day today and you do not wanna provoke me, are we clear?” They step back, annoyed and startled. “Uh-huh, sure.” I roll my eyes and put my hand out. “I’m Lilith, nice to meet you, I guess.” They shake my hand and say “Nice to meet you, Lilith. I’m Morris.” I nod and walk away. That is, I would’ve walked away but he held me there, trapping me. I sigh, “Let go, please.” I turn around to face him, but he’s not there. Instead, there’s a mass of darkness in his place, watching me, trapping me, whispering in my ear. “You’ll never succeed…you’re worthless.” I feel someone tapping my shoulder. Morris waves his hand in front of my face. “Lilith? Hello?” I jump, startled. Morris looks at me worriedly. “Uhm, are you ok?” I am most definitely not ok. “Yeah! I’m fine, I just spaced out.” I chuckle nervously. He doesn’t seem to buy it but says “Alright, catch you later.” I walk away, trying to rid my mind of what I had just seen. 


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166 Reviews


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Fri Jun 04, 2021 2:33 am
DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey, Alice is here to give a review!!!

You write so perfectly, clearly and the prose is not shaky as far as I can see. The story is amazing and interesting, I guess you have so many ideas and you carry out them so well.

SUGGESTIONS

I think there are so many things going on in just one chapter, maybe you could make it into different chapters. Like first chapter can include her life with her uncle in the house, then in the second chapter you could include the dream she had. Like this it would have been better, and we would have known about our main character's personality better. But no problem still your story is interesting and your writing is perfect.

Then, I came to a decision. That night while my uncle slept, I snuck away with money, food, and drinks. I jog towards the woods, alert as a predator stalking its prey. Snap! The breaking of a twig.


I am still quite not understanding why she left for the woods, maybe you could have given some explanation here like- the place in her dream looked same like the woods behind her house so she decided to check the place out or something more better. I hope you understand what I mean.

TINY-MINY NITPICKS

I fall to my knees, shouting for help.


'fall' should be "fell"

What was she talking about? I tried to control my shaking “What do you mean?”


After "shaking" there will be a full stop

Eventually, we reached a grand room, that looked like an office.


I don't think the comma was needed.

“Lilith? Hello?” I jump, startled


"jump" should be "jumped"

These doen't matter much just edit them and it will be better.

Lastly I am very much excited to read the next chapter, the diologue are nice and the plot is amzing. Hope to read more from you!

Keep writing!!!

Bye!!!



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cassidy3 says...


thank you very much alice! always appreciate some good criticism



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Wed May 19, 2021 6:26 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi cassidy3,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

First of all, welcome here on YWS!

For a first chapter, it's an interesting story you present here. I like your ideas and how you put them into action. There are some points I really like, and some points where I think you still need to work a bit. 😊

Let's start with the things I noticed while reading:

She looks familiar but I can't remember who she is. Next to her is a man in the same outfit but more masculine.


The description of the man is a little misleading because you don't really know what he is wearing. I would have liked a more precise description here, instead of the "more masculine."

I crawl out of bed and when he leaves, start getting dressed. When I am fully clothed I sit on my bed and try to stop trembling. I spend the rest of the day in a stupor, trying to understand what my mother had meant. Then, I came to a decision. That night while my uncle slept, I snuck away with money, food, and drinks. I jog towards the woods, alert as a predator stalking its prey.


Here's a point where I think a new section could have been added, because you skip from waking up from bed to evening without much happening. At this point I would also like to mention that the reader doesn't see Lilith as a tangible person at the moment. I get the impression that you're not trying to portray her life as the best, which I think is good, and gives her an incentive to run away from her uncle. However, it doesn't seem like she suffers much. You don't see much of her inner life, but only brief moments where you can guess something. For example, when Lilith is dreaming, the dialogue begins immediately after the short description of the gloom. I would have liked more. You create a first-person narrator, where I think she can still tell a lot. What does she see? What does she feel?

"There's a spell over it that only someone with Night Elf blood can find it, duh." A what? "...Sam?"


I would put each line of dialogue in a new line, because at some point, as a reader, you lose track of who is speaking. Here, for example, there's an "A What?" in the text between dialogue where I don't know if Lilith is thinking it or saying it?

I like your beginning. You can read into it very quickly and you start as if the action is already in progress, which gives the text a certain dynamic. You quickly get to know Lilith and her storyline (although I miss her inner life a bit) and she also gets a mission right away and meets a friend along the way. I like that you introduce so much, answering some questions for the reader right away, and also asking new ones to keep them reading.

You have very large sections where I think you could expand a bit more. The biggest criticism I have is probably the plot in general. I like it. :D
It goes from one point to the next and so on. But at the same time, it's not so good. Your narrative pace is very fast. So much happens in a single (first) chapter that I think you could take breaks in between and expand on some things. Within the first two paragraphs, you've gone from uncle to convenience store back to uncle to dream.

It feels like you're falling down a waterfall, which doesn't help the tension. You create an interesting character, but the details are sadly lacking there. Because the plot moves at this pace, you also get lost in the text and see everything very blankly. It still feels very unpolished and I think you could definitely expand on some points. For example, you could publish the first chapter in two parts, and focus more on Lilith in the first part, so that you get to know her (a normal day at her uncle's - the Convience Store, where you get to know how she interacts with people, maybe even briefly describe what she looks like, then the dream (to make it more interesting, you could even add a paragraph like "The days were the same, except for one night, etc...)). And then she decides to run away.
In the next part you would tell everything about the running away, the meeting with Sam, the town and Lennox.

Please don't get me wrong, the story has a great structure, but it still seems half-baked in some places, where I think you could polish the text. Especially for the first chapter it seems like you want to rush to the main part.
Apart from that, I found the story interesting and especially the title makes me curious for more.

Have fun with your writing!

Mailice.





Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan