Our world is a terrible place to be. This is the future, and its now 3025. There are no flying cars, or robots, or mind controlling machines. Technology has not grown, but only gotten worse. There was a war in 2025, both sides were fighting for power. By that I mean power that turns on TV's and charges cell phones. People had gone so crazy over technology, some were willing to die for it. Both sides were armed with heavy weapons, and both had the ability to fight.
In the middle of the war a man stopped. Of course when something strange happens, a crowd gathers. He had no microphone and no stadium, but he did have was a voice. He said "There is no reason for war, have we all gone mad? Look at yourselves, and everyone around you. Lots of us here have family back at home, waiting for us to return. Could you imagine the pain, and the hurt if your son or daughter never came back. We are sacrificing ourselves because we want higher power? We want to be best? What happened to a piece and a pen?"
He stopped the speech and people stared at him in shock. His name was Robert Adams, and he was a hero. There was no war that day. No one fought to their death. You would think this is a good thing, but its not. Ever since Robert Adams made his speech, a new law has been added. The law states that all technology has been removed. People were furious at that time, and I don't blame them.The government not only took away what people love the most. Their phones, and internet access, he took our homes from us too.
There is no more power or air vents to keeps us cool. Groceries and clothing stores have been shut down. Our Government gave us a speech, telling us that he believes "without technology there can be no war." Remember how i told you Robert Adams stopped the war that day after he gave his speech? The Government now believes that elimination of power can be the only answer. Now we have to live on the streets, our family members separated from us. Life has become nothing more than survival. Everyone lives on the streets now. The Governments house is the last one standing.
That made the people even angrier. Their right because if we have to live on the streets homeless and unhealthy, the Government should be doing so as well. I have to watch people die everyday from disease. Children are born outside and sickness is cured with medicine, but we are running low. There is limited amounts left and once we run out, we will die, unless the Government can find more soon. There is another part of the world that still has technology. It's the only place that the Government hasn't gotten to yet. It's the state of California.
California's Government doesn't know what's happening because we have no technology, and therefore we have no communication with anyone else. Our Government plans secret attacks on the states, and enforces the law of technologies removal. Soon California will turn out to be the same way. I can't let let that happen. California's Government is the only and last way out. If I can warn them in enough time about whats happening, it can start another war. In the law it states that a war that is finished can remove it. One side has to win. That means that some of us will be forced to remain like this and the other side will retrieve their power.
That's the reason the Government made the law, is so that either side can't win. I believe it's wrong, one side should have their freedom, even if it means sacrificing themselves. None of us can live like this. There are guards who border the states to watch and make sure no escapes from them. If I do, and reach California before the attack, this will hopefully come to an end. For some of us it won't. Either way, at least half of us won't suffer. It's better than all of us. If it doesn't work out I will be killed. There are guards will inform the Government if i'm caught. No one has been successful before. It doesn't matter because this isn't our world, and soon I'm going to get the right one back.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Wow!! This is really good sauna!!! I've always been a fan of stories with missions. I understand the reasoning behind the governments desicion to get rid power/ electricity, but I find it a bit to extream. The only problem I have with this story is that you haven't given us a name or description of the main character. However, that's about it, well except maybe you could've kept some of these facts a secret to be revealed at a later date in another chapter. Still o can tell this is gonna be awesome!! Keep calm and write on!!! =^_^=
Hello, cassaundra1, hello! Wisegirl22 decided to drop in for another review, since I was quite busy today!
Here's a bunch of things in this big block of words. What I like to do is list them out, so here I go with the organized (sort of) list.
1. Why would a speech change everything? A war, a purpose to fight, murderous people with cumbersome weapons. Why? Even if he had a voice, how could he have spoken to all those people fighting on that day?
2. That "its" after "but", it has to have an apostrophe to make sense. You can't get away with that, no matter how hard you try. Yep, I have to be harsh.
3. You need a space after the eighth period, for this work to flow smoothly and without error. Sorry, I'm just advising you on my opinions. But I warn you, I'm eight and also opinionated, so don't trust my advice.
4. Replace the last period with a comma, de-capitalizing the letter after it. That way it smooths out.
"He stopped the speech and people stared at him in shock. His name was Robert Adams, and he was a hero. There was no war that day. No one fought to their death. You would think this is a good thing, but its not. Ever since Robert Adams made his speech, a new law has been added. The law states that all technology has been removed. People were furious at that time, and I don't blame them.The government not only took away what people love the most."
You also need an apostrophe in "Governments". Why is that word capitalized?
"The Governments house is the last one standing."
Typo, possibly?
"I can't let let that happen. California's Government is the only and last way out."
Apostrophes are comin' to bite ya!
"If I can warn them in enough time about whats happening, it can start another war."
You make it sound realistic, something that I can never do. I don't tell people that often, so shhhhhh. Keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Hi there!
First things first, it doesn't really make much sense for your character to say that it's the future. You're writing this in present tense, which means that the narrator, the MC in your case, is telling the story as it happens. So unless they are time traveling and end up in the future, it's the present to them. You can leave the part about it being 3025 though, that's important. This sentence could easily be something like, "The year is now 3025". See, that introduces the year, but it also leaves a bit about it being the future because you're saying that it's now 3025, suggesting there was a time your MC was alive that it wasn't 3025. (whoa, holy run on sentence there. Sorry) Bottom line, take out the part about it being the future. We know it's the future because it's 3025.
This is a just a personal preference so feel free to ignore this. I think it works better if you say there was a war one hundred years ago. I feel like that's how most people talk and it would make this that much more realistic.
You go from a very broad term to something specific here. Who exactly is this 'he' that you mention? I'm assuming you mean the president or the person in charge of the government. If that's true, you'll want to be very specific with that.
Well, I'm hooked. Seriously, you did a good job here introducing the story to us. Some people feel that prologues, or introductions in your case, are overused at times. I guess I can see where they're coming from, but a story like this most definitely needs an introduction. This is a great description of what's going to be going on in the story. It also gives us some great information about the world got to be like it is. I feel like if you had just started with chapter 1, it would've been harder for you to backtrack and explain everything to us.
One thing I have to say about this though, is that everything is sort of just forced upon us. I feel like you're just listing events that happened in history. Why not insert your MC's thoughts and feelings every so often? I know you did this a little, but I'd like to see more. Surely your MC has an opinion about Robert. Maybe your MC is just a bit mad at him because he started the whole excavation of technology. Or maybe your MC is still trying to figure out how they feel about the war and Robert changing the tide.
Speaking of Robert, I find it interesting that he was able to stop the war by himself. He seems like such a regular guy who decided to make his voice heard. I think it would work better if he was someone special. Maybe he was a leader in the government or had become popular among the people. There has to be something more to him, otherwise the government would just say that he was a crazy man talking in the middle of the street, you know?
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Like I said earlier, you have me hooked. This seems like it's going to be a sci-fi adventure novel, which I would absolutely love to read. There are no spelling or grammar errors I found so good job with that. I do hope to see some good descriptions your first few chapters, though. There really wasn't much room for descriptions and imagery here in the introduction, but you'll want to make sure you really explain the setting to us, especially since this story takes place in the future. I want to see what the world looks like now!
Let me know when the next chapter is out!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello cassaundra1! This is icannothearthings for a short review. I think this is a pretty cool idea! I'm interested to find out more about this world and the characters in it. Your plot is interesting, but your grammar is lacking.
A few examples are "What happened to a piece and a pen?" (I have a feeling you meant What happened to a piece of paper and a pen?), "This is the future, and its now 3025." (It should be This is the future, and it's now 3025.), and "Remember how i told you Robert Adams stopped the war that day after he gave his speech?" (It should be Remember how I told you Robert Adams stopped the war that day after he gave his speech?). Next time you should try to proof read.
Your writing style is fine, and this story is great. I can't wait to see the next chapter!
I think it is interesting. I like how you showed that that we could probably not survive without technology, but we should use it in limited forms. I also think, however, that maybe living one month completely without technology wouldn't be so bad. Either way, it is a very interesting story. However I think you could make the beginning a bit more interesting. Better word choice, and sentence formatting. It seemed a bit choppy, and didn't have the appeal you world want to get a reader hooked. All together, I found your first chapter very entertaining, and quite interesting. I can not wait for the next chapter to come out.
Fantastic work. Keep it up 