Published September 20, 2009
Thin and frail, a little boy stood on his legs of sticks. His knobby knees stuck out awkwardly from the bottom of his dirty gray shorts. His belly was protruding outward and his eyes were glazed over as he stood on his tippy toes peering up through a window. His belly had stopped growling days ago, maybe weeks ago, but his mind still reminded him of what he was missing out on. When he smelt the foods from inside the house he couldn't help but follow where it led him. Being too polite to beg, the little boy only hoped to be noticed by the large man who was settling down for his supper. The man's sides hung over the chair, he was too big. The table in front of him was covered with foods of all sorts and there was not a spot of table visible beneath it. The man's chair creaked when he leaned over to refill his plate with more food. It did not creak because it was poorly made; it creaked underneath the weight of the massive man who was feasting upon it. Chewing on steak he muttered something to the servant who was standing off to the side. As the man spoke some food fell out of his mouth and landed on his purple blouse which was already stained from previous dinners. The servant refilled the man's wine glass to the brim then walked over to the window and closed the curtain on the little boy who was dreaming of a taste.
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141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is quite an interesting little piece here. It feels very much like a part of something much bigger but interestingly enough it does also feel like it could stand alone, which I think given the where its been posted it is meant to be. I think it certainly maps out a rather powerful picture there in terms of the image of this boy and the man to quite a degree here. For something this small, it really does manage to give us quite a comprehensive look into the two personalities of these two without ever really mention personality directly and that I think is lovely.
I think you manage to convey a really powerful sort of story as well in the simple actions this boy undertakes as opposed to the man and we get the story of this person who has to serve a rather greedy and perhaps cruel master while wishing to be able to get so much as a scarp of what's available. Its a little snapshot into what seems a powerful story. Honestly as much as this paints a powerful scene already I just find myself wishing there was a little more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!
I really like this - it's nicely written and does have a nice rythm. There's just a few nit-picks:
Knobbly knees is better
I think if you said: 'His belly had stopped growling days, maybe weeks ago,' it would be clearer and easier to read.
The first 'to' should be too.
This doesn't flow so well. Maybe if you said:
"The man's sides hung over the chair he was so big."
Or something like that...
This could be two sentences. You can stop the first one at 'side', and then continue with the rest. It would sound better that way.
Okay that's all!
Overall this is really nice, and I hope you carry on. PM me with any questions, and if you write any more, let me know!
Hope I helped!
Well done, this is really good. I'm impressed with your description skills. Now you need to take it up to the next level and really make me see this scene.
Okay. Nitpicks:
There is some great description here, I just picked up a grammatical error. Try "His knobbly knees stuck out awkwardly".
Maybe you could stick to "tiptoes"? It could be just me, but remember your audience ren't little children and need to be spoken to as mature adults. (Well some of us anyways.
Try "couldn't".
Try "hung over the chair, he was so big".
Right! Well, this was great. Once you can make it happen inside your reader's "mind's eye", you have the makings of a really strong opening. With just a little work you can really draw the reader in.
Well done.
Hope I've been helpful
~Grin
I liked it. It was a very well done description of the man. I liked the way you used the language as well, and it had a nice rhythm, almost.