The old maple wood of your antique armoire
cases in a glorious dining set.
Hiding away are those painted tea cups
who share the story of this town with each other.
Oh, yes and those orange sail boats are there too,
back then, they were once red
floating freely by the cool inks of cattails,
but now dead and lifeless,
those funny plants rest on plates.
So odd, how elegant your dishware is
with pictures stenciled on,
trying to tell tales of how everything once was.
Honestly though, I think the kettle
has something stuck in its spout,
maybe a cobweb of sorts,
because if your fine china could speak
it would surely say,
in a soft, quite tongue
not unlike your own,
"The days worth remembering
Are those days when one could sit
And watch the water ripple"
(what do you think of the line breaks?)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I just loved it.
I got a sort of 'Alice' Feeling with alot of this, very good considering you have to keep my imagination running to keep me from leaving.
Fix up your spelling!!!
hah, well besides that and a few other nitpicks that have already been brought to life I'd say this is a fine piece worthy of consideration.
I liked this poem a lot, but something seemed off to me. I read it again and I realized that you capitalized the first word of every line (except one). Yes, it's convention, but in this case, it detracts from the flow of the poem. So just capitalize the beginnings of sentences, and the poem will be easier to read. I also suggest breaking it into stanzas. Currently, it's just a block of text, which makes it harder to see how the ideas fit together.
Overall, though, you had some lovely images and wording, but you could improve the structure. Great job and keep writing!
I don't think those mistakes were garish. Everyone messes up sometimes, and I often miss my mistakes becuase I know what it should say. I liked the story that your poem told. Don't be afraid to play with your line breaks so they don't end so perfectly. You should try to keep line length the same to make the poem flow better and easier to read. Nice job though. I agree there is a lot of potential here.
A pretty piece of poetry overall, but I'm sorry to say that a couple of garish grammatical errors make it decidedly less attractive.
"Dinning" should be "Dining"
"Armorie" should be "Armoire"
"Telling tails" should be "telling tales"
"soft quite tongue" should be "Soft, quiet tongue"
The piece has so much potential, but you really should check to make sure that everything is spelled correctly before posting, people will respect you and your work more. Otherwise, keep writing (and spell-checking)...the poem was beautifully retrospective.