Young Writers Society

Hi Carino! Jon here!

Twigs:

broken, scraggly, overflowing

and messy,

form a cage

inside which the world

has no sort of problems.

In later stanzas you say that this nest is perfection. The words you use here contradict that. Use words like, Bound, tightened, Shaped, curved, ... Then have it form the cage. I love how you make it seem that in this barrier the outside world has no problems. Which seems to be true if you've never experienced it. I love the last two lines. Not for the word choice, but, for the meaning. Polish this up a bit. ^_^

Outside the barriers

danger lurks, but what does it

matter? Here is safety,

perfection,

a place of complete and utter innocence

in which

the young are not yet disillusioned.

I like the feel of this stanza, how a person seems to be talking. I also like the question you pose. It lets you see into the carelessness of what those little birds must have been feeling. In the second line I think you should say, "Lurks danger". I guess it could go either way, but, this sounds better to me.

Inside the bars rests

a downy scrap,

its fibrous tendrils reaching out

for what it has lost.

The sharp tip pokes around

as if it could recover the endearing inexperience

that it was formed of.

Carino, you really have some great imagery here. However, I think only I might know what you're talking about as I told you what to write about. You should say somewhere along the lines that this is a nest and it is a feather. However, because I know, it sounds good. Just be weary that others may have no clue what you are talking about. Keep all the imagery you have, just add some more detail, like, what it is. ;D

Endless memories shape its

ever-changing substance.

Are you talking about the nest or the feather here? Also, wouldn't the outside world shape it differently? Memories could, but, the animals no longer are there to change it. so, just watch out for the small details. ;D

No more: the wind sweeps through,

stirs its hair and reminds it

you are alone,

there is nothing left

of those who made you and now

this structure is yours to rule.

Stirs its hair? Nest usually don't have hair. Use a different word. Something different that the wind stirs.
I like the talking of a person coming back into this. I also like the theme of how the strongest form of something rules, no matter what. Also, I like how you show it through a feather. Good Job. Just polish this stanza a little.

The ivory backbone and its fuzzed extensions wait

firmly lodged amongst the twigs

until they become a part of the cage

themselves.

I love this. In the first line, change "And its" to "With" It'll shorten it up a bit. ;D I love the "Ivory Backbone" part. It's so powerful sounding.

There is nothing else to do here

and even this

seems unproductive:

there is no one left

who needs to be protected.

You need to clarify what is unproductive. You don't say that.


Overall: I liked this. Can it be polished and made better? Yes! I want to see this become something great. Tell me when you change it up. I'll be back.


---Jon---