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Young Writers Society


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Memoir

by carethersr


Memoir

I didn't know what I was missing. I was captured in a tiny world of which fright was my holder. “I am going to regret this,” I would often tell myself in the time of which an idea was locked in my young mind. I wanted to disembark my lengthly ride on the small community of catholic school. I wished for a larger boat.

I had known how lucky I was for my parents to drive me to school and have the ability to pay for my education, but I hadn't noticed it until I left. I had witnessed classmates who were not able to afford a notebook, peers who loudly advocated for LGBT rights in our own school. I truly had no idea that people my age for permitted to speak their beliefs of which they wouldn't stop even when silenced. “Have I really missed this much?” I couldn't believe it. I needed change.

I was slapped into reality, given a channel into the real world of which I supposed was only a phenomenon. I found myself particularly caring for those who didn't value education as much as I did. I found myself feeling empathy more than ever. That allowed me to be nominated for the Wimberly Award. I accredited it.

I would look around a find people of different backgrounds, different stories that I was honored to be able to listen to. I had managed to keep my lips tight until spoken to, where I would slowly part them an allow words to come out in a steady manner.

My moral and my incentives have drastically changed. Here, a larger school, I knew I had to step up my academic game to be recognized. I was guided by my most favorable teachers. I was molded, developed, and I cannot be more grateful for what I have been given. I was involved; that was new to me. The urge to elaborate astonished me; I had never perceived such a thought.

After distinguishing the sound of the school band, I acted quickly. I sent an email, regretting my late choice, receiving a quick reply. I had always been in band, but worry stopped me from enrolling. I joined, and was reunited with my deep musical connection.

Change is metamorphic. I was hesitant, but a great value had allowed me to view what was coming for me. “I wish I had sent you earlier”, my mom still often says. But, focusing on our regrets ceases what we can make of that absence. It is only a matter of time that can change your outlook on the overall ride of life.

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806 Reviews

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Fri Dec 23, 2016 4:33 am
Aley wrote a review...



Hey Carethersr,

My name's Aley and I'm going to be giving you a short review. First off, welcome to YWS! It's really great to see new faces! I'm super excited to have you here.

Here on YWS we tend to review with the critiquing sandwich meaning I'll go over what I liked, [top bun], then what I think could improve [all the juicy middle stuff], and then briefly summarize everything so it's all nice and neat [bottom bun].

First off, I really like what you're doing with the tone of the story. I think the way that you have it somewhat conversational, but still getting into what was going on is great. I like that you're using a voice that is current knowledge reflecting on past knowledge too. You also don't have very many sentence problems. I only saw one place that was a speed typo!

That being said, I do see ways you could improve this. I think you're trying to jump around a little too much. It's like you can't get through a complete idea without a new idea coming in and shouting 'I'm here! I'm here!' before you're done. One example of this is the following quote.

I truly had no idea that people my age for permitted to speak their beliefs of which they wouldn't stop even when silenced.


So how I see this breaking up is three ideas. Idea 1: "I had no idea people spoke up so much." Idea 2: "People my age are the ones speaking up!" and Idea 3: "They will never give up on getting their ideas across." This last idea actually has two parts to it that conflict with one another too. "They never give up" and "People keep shutting them down." They are conflicting because you say "even when silenced" which means that they were successfully quieted, but that contradicts that "they wouldn't stop" speaking up about their ideas.

That being said, I see this in other places too. You never really get through talking about this award, or how you changed. You never support your ideas, like giving examples of a time when you're able to just stay quiet and absorb information.

To me the things that really make a memoir readable and fun are the personal stories that come out in them. I'm reading "H is for Hawk" and that book has so many tangents and side trails in it that the story really is more about that, then the hawk. It's a two sided book. There are two stories going on at once, present time with the hawk and memories about her dad. Right now you're missing that hook that gets us into the story. You're jumping around too much to really delve into it.

My suggestion is to take each of these paragraphs and expand them. Make each one a chapter. If you push them open, I think you'll be able to develop this story into a meandering transition from one place to the next and that's going to make your writing more interesting as you fill in all of the different examples you can think of. Don't worry about how accurate it is, just worry about how entertaining it is to read.

So! All in all, I thought it was a good start, but it feels like you're starting too much, and not getting into the meat of any one thing. I want to see the meat! If you explore all of the different moments in time you have here, make each of these paragraphs a chapter, I think we'll end up seeing a lot more results in terms of relatability.

I hope this helps! I wrote it to be helpful and provide you with my opinion as a reader of your work. I think that's one of the unique things about YWS. You get real reader feedback! You don't get that at most writing sites, just "oh I liked this a lot" or "I don't know about x" but here, we go for giving you a real review!

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me or someone else.

Welcome to YWS and happy Holidays!




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Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:53 am
gema11 wrote a review...



Was this written for a school assignment? The vagueness, the assumption that the reader already knows what school you are talking about, makes it seem that way. Even so, you need more specifics. I understand you might not want to post the name of your schools online for privacy reasons, but at least use placeholders.
For the writing style, you start sentences with "I" waaaay too much. I know it is a memoir, but we need you to change things up for us, the readers, to stay interest. The constant "I"s get tedious.
The biggest problem with your memoir is the vagueness. What was it about your Catholic school that made you feel imprisoned? (As an ex-Catholic schoolgirl myself, I think I have a pretty good idea, but most people have not gone to Catholic school) What were you like at this school? Make use of that writerly "show, don't tell" maxim. I know this is a memoir, and a lot of telling goes on in these, but you need anecdotes and evidence to back up your points. Show us what you were like. Show us how you changed. Go into detail about your favorite teachers and the school band.
Also, run this through a spell checker. I see a lot of spelling and grammar errors. And remember- no contractions in non-dialog writing! (Pet peeve of mine)





"I think; therefore, I am."
— René Descartes