Published April 2, 2010
With you I want to walk the world
With you;
And hand in hand shall we traverse the world
With footsteps made light by one another's joy
And the moon made brighter by our twin smiles;
With you I want to touch the world
Our hands outstretched, gently
And feel the beauty, the textures of this place, this universe
With you.
With you I want to dream of the expanses
And dance in them wildly until our feet ache
And our cheeks hurt from smiling
And with you I want to collapse at long last
Into the soft embrace of home, where we belong;
Sister, will you come with me?
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Hey! Classy here for a review.
So I would just like to point this out to you:
Take this quote and put it into a sentence, which is how you wrote it in your poem:
With you all I want to touch the world, our hands outstretched, gently, and I feel the beauty, the textures of this place, this universe with you.
Do you see how you repeat 'with you' twice in one sentence? I'm not a fan of repetition at all, but it being in the same sentence seriously bugs me and the flow of this poem.
This poem just seems like a rant. You don't really show me anything. What I mean is that I'm not getting anything out of this. Can you tell us the story of the two? How they end up? Why she's complaining? It really just seems like a teenage girl's diary rant. Which can be good as a base for a poem. But, there really needs to be more in this that what it is now. It needs to be more in-depth. It needs to have emotions, a lot of them, not just one. There's no story.
Keep working on it; you'll get there.
Questions/comments, PM me.
Classy
Eh, not a fan of this one. It seemed a bit too rough, like you rushed through it or something. This was a nice idea, and you've got some good budding imagery. It does come across as a little sappy, but I think it was supposed to be, which makes it all the more charming. So, let's get to it!
1. SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Here you seem to repeat a lot and you have some awkward phrasing. For example:
Since this is all one sentence, you don't need both 'with you'. Either delete the one at the end or the beginning of the sentence.
The 'and' at the beginning seems to make this drag on a bit too long. Besides, 'hand in hand' is just fine.
2. STORY
You had both strong and weak points in this sector. First, as I said in the beginning of the review, it seemed solid, and it made me feel good when I was done reading it. I Just had one little comment, and that lies in the second to last stanza. It sort of felt uncomfortable, because everywhere else in the poem you're giving us such sweet imagery and then you talk about pain and aching. Also, why would the narrator want to experience hurt? Maybe you can allude to how tired and pained the narrator will be without actually mentioning it.
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I'd like to see an edited version of this.
-Elinor
Hi,
You have some great lines here. I really enjoyed;
"And the moon made brighter by our twin smiles"
"And feel the beauty, the textures of this place, this universe"
"And dance in them wildly until our feet ache"
and
"Sister, will you come with me?"
I don't think the repetition really added anything to this, and some lines were weak, like;
"With you I want to walk the world
With you;
And hand in hand shall we traverse the world".
I'd try for some stronger, fresher imagery.
Hope this helps.
Jas