The River and the Demon

Hey there! It seems like you've been given pretty good reviews, and I hope I don't just reiterate what they've already said. But hopefully it will reinforce their ideas and mine if they are said multiple times. Anyways, here's the review.

So, this story is interesting. I imagined the demon is one of the heartless from Kingdom Hearts. I wish you had painted a clearer image, but maybe it's best all your readers see the demon as a different thing? I don't know.

I think the beginning of your story is a bit useless. It seems to just make the story longer and more confusing than it it. You talk about all of these things, like the empty river and the cousins of the dust balls and all of that, but it really means nothing when you compare it to the actual plot of the story. You know what I would like to see instead of those random ramblings?

Why is your main character walking to this place that they seem to know nothing about?

Why does this guide think it his destiny to guide your main character across the river? And why doesn't the guide persist that your MC goes in the direction he sees fit? Wouldn't that be what a person who was born to do a certain thing want to happen? For the person whom they are supposed to do a certain thing for to actually do that certain thing?

And finally, what is the purpose of this. I don't see any lesson, or any real conclusion.

What I liked about this was its imagery and its fantasy-like feeling. I felt as if I was reading an actual fantasy book, which is good. Your voice as a writer is perfect for fantasy stories. However, I cannot like this story because it has no real plot, but is just a bunch of fantasy like things strewn into one story -- one blurb. If you go back and think about what your plot is: Beginning, climax, end, then you will realize that it really doesn't have any of the elements, especially the climax.

I suppose you could see the climax as when your MC decides to cross the bridge. However, since the revelation doesn't answer any internal question that we or the MC have about what type of person your MC is. All you need to do is figure out your plot and everything will fall into place. If you just add plot into what you already have, then you should be good. A summary of things to focus on:

- Where does your character come from?
- What is this quest your MC is on?
- What gender is your MC?
- Significance of the bridge/guide/demons
- Revelation/Climax/epiphany

Keep writing,

Classy

Hey Carbon!

Don't worry about the request thing, you're free to send me as many as you like. With all honesty, I was looking for something to review but I couldn't find anything worth reviewing so I literally smiled when I saw your request. Also, I'm glad you trust my opinion. Although, that adds another ounce of nervousness to my review. u_u
Nonetheless, I'll do my best.

The mid-day sun stood high in the sky, filling the desert with a shallow yellow colour. The winds, seemingly ever blowing in one direction, still somehow managed to birth the juvenile dust devils wandering the road before me. Of course, they could only wander for so long until they, like most other travelers on this road, invariably fell into the ancient river Thån.

I tried as hard as I could not to look to my left, where the great cousins of the dust devils stirred, replacing what was many years ago a ribbon of sparkling water with a howling wall of yellow sands.

He was quite narrow and had wrinkles everywhere on his skin, yet did not look old.

But there is a third path - the whole reason behind my existence is to show you that path."

Hey carboncore. I'm Bad Narrator and I'll be reviewing your story. I'm using strikeout for parts I suggest you omit, [brackets] for things to add, blue for stuff to change, red for the stuff that confused me, and also <whatever these things are called> for in text comments.

carbonCore wrote:To my Loyal but Unwelcome Guest

The mid-day sun stood high in the sky, filling [filled] the desert with a shallow yellow colour. The winds, seemingly ever blowing in one direction, still somehow managed to birth the juvenile dust devils wandering the road before me. Of course, they could only wander for so long until they, like most other travelers on this road, invariably fell into the ancient river Thån.

I triedas hard as I could not to look to my left, where the great cousins of the dust devils stirred, replacing what was many years ago a ribbon of sparkling water with a howling wall of yellow sands. Such a whirling chaos would sometimes swing to and fro, flogging at me with a whip of sand - from this none could escape, and the only option was to look the other way, praying to the sands to spare the eyes. Yes, most fell in, but not I - I treaded clear of its edge, quietly enduring its blows, but never yielding.

Something told me, without any proof or certainty, that this would be the most difficult part of my journey. Never in my travels had I passed such hostile environment. The other paths, compared to this <this sentence is grammatically correct, but the way you structured it seems awkward. Try moving the highlighted part to the end of the sentence>, were like one long holiday. The times when I slashed my way through the lush living forests of Née, where behind every tree there clung an interesting beast to a liana vine; the times when I relaxed in a little gondola, being carried by the Sophis stream and marveling at the white mountains to either side; even the times (to come) that I've only been told about, when I shall walk the streets of the beautiful Heda, bright even at night with lights of a thousand colours - none of these ever saw me clinging to my existence as I had done now.

At last, through the dust, I saw the uncertain <I omitted the word uncertain because it was what we call a "pathetic fallacy" in this context> outline of a tent stationed right next to where Thån abruptly swallowed the road with a great chasm, with a shabby rope bridge extending into the dust beyond. As I came closer, I became aware of a man making his shelter inside this tent. Great of a sin as pausing my journey may have been, I convinced myself to enter, as I knew I would not have a chance to rest again. Just before going inside, I thought I saw with the corner of my eye a vast, jagged shadow raving in the river behind the tent, and perhaps heard a strange change in the howling of Thån.

"So you are here," the man said. He was quite narrow and had wrinkles everywhere on his skin ], yet did not look old.[i ]<This is what I'm talking about when I say show don't tell. Describe the patterns of the wrinkles on his face>[/i "Welcome to the Crossroads, traveler. I am the Guide. Since you stand here, in my tent, I will assume you don't know which way to go."

"I came here to rest from the desert," I said. "Are there ways other than the bridge?"

"Come outside," the Guide said, and left. I followed him. "You know of the bridge there, in front of my home. You don't know of the path away from the river, to the right, but it is of no importance to you - it is too steep, and is impassable for that reason. But there is a third path - the whole reason behind my existence is to show you that path."

He walked to the very edge of Thån, facing it - this I could not do - and spread his arms out,as if offering himselfto the raging chaos.

"The winds you see there are caused by a demon, of which you are no doubt aware," he spoke into the wind, yet I understood his words to be directed to me. "Why do you fear the sand? Come - look deep. See what is inside."

Against my better judgment, I turned around, now also looking down into the cliff-ridden bedrock of the once great river. The shadow returned, and though I could see its chaotic movements better, I still did not understand its purpose.

"The demon means no harm," the Guide continued. "It raves because that's what it's meant to do. It does not plan doom for you - it is incapable of thought. Look at it - look close, look deep. No, do not shield your eyes like so, you will never see it! Open them, and look!"

Though I was close to dismissing him as a madman, the Guide's wordsfinally showed some truth. Almost by reflex did my eyes widen[ed] as the demon's shape turned familiar to me - no, not a memory from long ago, but rather a feeling, a state that I had once experienced - the otherworldly outlines of the demon now made sense to me, and I saw what it truly was. <You need to describe the outlines of the demon. Simply telling us they're "otherworldly" does nothing for us.>

"Now you see it," the Guide said. He did not need to say what he said next, as I understood everything a moment prior. "The demon's name is Innocence."

I stood on the precipice of the river Thån, mesmerized by the demon. Why was it a demon? How could something so alluring, so peaceful, so satisfied be called a demon? <How? How is it peaceful, alluring and satisfying?>

"You see it," the Guide repeated. "You see what everyone sees at the end of their travels. What do you think the third road is for? Everybody returns to Innocence, as all paths lead to that slide downhill, right towards the demon. But while they only suffer the harshness of the desert at the very end, you suffered it for a long time, though you could have been walking the icy plains of Evae, or the autumn hillocks of Phily. So here it is: the reward for your endurance. Go forth, take a step. That is all you need - just one step."

I did nothing for a long time, staring at the demon still. A part of me wanted to scream at the guide: the demon, after all, would certainly tear me apart, even if it meant no harm; but another part crawled towards it, it wanted just that - the eternal rest that the demon offered.

"No," I said slowly., "There is too much road for me to cover. The desert - it ends just beyond that rope bridge, doesn't it?"

"Why would you want to go that way?" the Guide said. "The bridge is scary and difficult to cross." <Is this guide an old man or a four year old?>

"No," I said again. "Everybody returns here eventually, just as you said. There is too much ground for me to cover before I look at the demon again. I am going to the bridge. Goodbye."

The Guide stood still, his expression unchanging. As I set foot onto the bridge, I turned around once more - turned around over my right shoulder, as to not look at the awful river Thån - and saw a particularly strong gale of sand-laced wind sweep over the Guide. His skin and flesh wore off, almost as if the entire man was made of sand. Just before he vanishedfrom existence, I thought I saw - with the same uncertainty as I saw the tent at first, and the great shadow in the river - his dry lips turn into a smile.