Stains of Red

Dearest,

Three people burned to their deaths today, and no-one even asked any questions. Perhaps those men deserved it? I cannot know. Though the crowd - you should have seen the crowd. It was surprising seeing them all stand by the stable, very still and very quiet, as if statues. If only they were like you! Why, sometimes, when I close my eyes at night, I hear your thoughts - you say so much with silence. The crowd today was also silent, but it said nothing. The men also said nothing, even though their screams were deafening.

Will I hear you tonight? The golden marks of distinction on my cloak likewise mark me a target for the angry, the bitter, and the unfortunate - this you know better than any other. My beloved, I write these words atop a stool bought from a nearby pauper, myself sitting on a half-bit bed, and I feel the night sky's many-eyed gaze on my back. It is the second time this year they burned down my house - but do not bear them ill will! I know, I know you tell me so often to forgive myself, but I am adamant in my belief that these attacks are not merely impotent rage; they are my ongoing punishment. Only this room was spared, as it always has been. As long as it is spared, my true punishment will continue to elude me.

The Prince sent word by courier this afternoon, he promised that my house will be rebuilt over the next few days. He offered a temporary shelter at his palace, but I told him, as I tell him again and again, that this is a palace of my own. Naturally, he does not see what I see in this room; this "dark, decayed, and dirty" room, as he put it. Cannot it be cold in that cellar, he asked, do you not suffer the elements with no ceiling there, he asked, is this truly the proper way for my right-hand to live? But he will not sway me, because you know how much this room means to me. And I know how much it means to you.

Many times have I written about the subject of Spirit, but only the superfluities, the after-shocks. Have I ever told you what it felt like in the beginning? Oh, but what a fool it had made me. When I climbed off that altar, still naked, I already felt more clothed than the priests around me. I had power, dearest, more power than any other with Spirit had ever had, more power than ordinary man may have-- man! As if that word had crossed my mind! There was no "man" back then. Those who surrounded me were worms, maggots, things lesser than dirt, things only of so much worth as to absent-mindedly wipe off one's boot! My view was thus: common man was to me as dust is to the sea. Then you came.

Beloved, forgive me. The events today conspired perfectly to lead me down this line of thought. I've spoken many times of that awful night, of that amazing night, yet you must not misunderstand me: I never mean to withhold news by virtue of repeating old words. I must, I must, I must relive that moment whenever the moment asks to be relived, or else my soul will burn itself from the inside, and our short time together will have been for nought.

Do you remember it, I wonder? Your mind is all around me, always, in this room, so you must remember.

It was the same night after I returned from the temple, mere hours after awakening upon that altar. I walked into my house, drunk on Spirit's wordless promises of power, expecting a quiet evening to spend on plans to destroy all others who had Spirit, then to crush humanity into a ball of yarn and play with it like a kitten who had just found his claws. It was too much for me - my mind wandered hither and yonder, a restless ghost unchained by Spirit, wild-eyed from the infinite possibilities. It was too much for a sober mind, and so I went down to the wine cellar. There, I met you.

Today scholars tell me that what I cannot possibly be recalling this moment right, that the whole event was over in a second or maybe two, but I know that for us it was hours. You heard me from above when I walked into the house. You were but a thief, and you knew that the Prince would send his finest wine to the newly made Spirit Archon's - mine, that is - cellar. It was human to take it, and as such, I should have seen a human. I should have seen a human being trying to get by, but I did not. I saw a pig that had dared to eat off its master's table.

Do you remember what you felt? Do you remember the inhuman rage marring my face? I remember your terrified expression, which now blurs this ink with the salt of my tears. Do you remember that spit of liquid flame that shot from my fingertips? I remember seeing your body swell, burn at the seams, and explode. I thought it was funny then. I know, beloved, I know that your mind is all around me, because I saw your head burst and I saw it splatter all over the walls. All over me. But did you see what happened after?

Did you see me stand in a dazed silence for many seconds that were years? Did you see me drop to my knees? I had actually ended a life, and in that moment, I understood what that meant. Every memory you had, every love, every hate, every sight, every person you knew, everything died with you.

The three men that burned today were silent. So were the ten I killed yesterday. So were the hundred I killed last month. So were the ten thousand I burned alive in what was once the city of Starkveil, the city that refused to pay the Prince's taxes. Tell me, beloved, why are you the only one who speaks? Why do these stains of you keep me docile, a chained dog, away from my dreams of conquest? Why must these stains never fade?

But enough of this pining ink. I am practical; as it were, I can neither do with you nor without you - though I'd imagine it is healthier for all other memories, for all other loves, hates, sights, and persons, that I am kept chained by you. If there was no you, pride would turn me into the same mindless, instinct-driven animal that I thought all other people to be when Spirit first entered me.

A final thought: in moments, the ashes of this letter shall join your essence, and I will again hear your voice just before retiring to the land of dreams. But what shall you say? What have I not heard before? Has this confession, then, been for nothing?

Yours forever.

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Reviews: 159

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Thu May 19, 2011 11:07 pm

MeanMrMustard wrote a review...

I told you before to be ready for my review.

First thing: figure out why you write. Would you like to pontificate? Would you like to describe? Would you like to show? Are you seeking personal fame? What exactly is it?

Prose is a delicate process of painting, illustrating, designing, embellishing, flourishing, and placing all things in perspective as you like; but, you aren't infallible. The narrator of any piece of prose, rather the narrative process, must make amends for readers as much as they must pay attention to the writer's original purpose.

You've got a first person narrator, "I" to this "you" as the dearest, which is by all means unreliable and otherwise dictating a letter to some...metaphysical entity. I'll be blunt, I don't care what the narrator was talking to and since you have an unreliable narrator that's really bad. By the end I was happy it was over. The purpose of this piece seemed as existent as the world to the narrator. A tinge of Gothic Romanticism attempting to play in Modernity while not creating a world I can fit myself into beyond the Narrator's egotistical, frenzied talk. Your narrator, manic and bothered and perhaps interesting in that respect, shows a very limited world in all respects beyond their own fascination with few views of the world they inhabit: if you must show the narrator in the writing as the world in which they are, you must make clear that the world is either alienating or alienated from the narrator without painstaking, confusing description.

I see Poe in this, amongst other Romantic writers. I would highly advise you check The Telltale Heart, The Black Cat, etc. Granted, this seems to draw from a different culture, but the effect of tone and personality and the usage of the narrative perspective would be tantamount for you to examine.

Some examples of amateur mistakes:

Dearest,

Three people burned to their deaths today, and no-one even asked any questions.

Several things to think about immediately: diction, phrasing, flow. The signified subject of the beginning implies a deep connection to the designee of the letter/note/etc. This effectively shapes all of your story. Your title? Stains of Red, and...we have a connection of morbidity and a fascination between a relationship of some sort and a dispersion of the color red; then people are dead. We are being given shock and awe in a style that exposes little for the purpose of suspense. This would work if not for a few reasons:

1. "Burned to their deaths"
2. "and no-one"
3. "even asked any"

^These all read either archaically or painfully. Why are you using past tense? Why are you further using plural specific when you mentioned these three people? What's more, your elaboration, as if shock, in the second part of the sentence is a falling point for your aghast surprise: it would be much more interesting if the narrator simply stated "no one asked any questions". This is ironic, this is odd, this is jarring whereas "even" is expected surprise, expected trauma, expected chaos. If you must have a story where the narrator is seemingly mad or a murderer, MESS WITH OUR PERCEPTIONS in the subtle unspoken words. That's the difficulty of prose: being able to rant on description and then knowing when to cut out unnecessary words, details, and passages.

As is, you're providing too much of your narrator's persona without creating a world to exhibit through the narrator. Thus, we have a conflict of interests. At times I felt the paragraphs were separate points altogether, loosely combined and connected by the only common element: "I". The main way this occurred to me came from turning my head from the screen: when I looked back I could not find my place without severe difficulty. Nothing connected, nothing found its way back to itself. What's more, by the end I was annoyed at the title since you're trying too hard to be subtle, too hard to be suspenseful when I know what's coming all along, but in the process I have to sift through so much...I wonder when the loops in the road will straighten out and get to the point.

The best comparison I can give you to look at in prose is this story here. Look at the difference. Does this make sense?

Feel free to contact me privately for further points and clarifications.

Points: 1764
Reviews: 25

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Sat May 14, 2011 8:05 pm

IKnowAll wrote a review...

Interesting, I couldn't help but wonder... On the part where you said something like "the crowd was silent, but it didn't say anything" did you mean that the fact that they were silent didn't say anything, or was it just a typo... Because it seemed that that was already clarified... Most likely you just were typing, got distracted shortly, then when you went back to it you forgot you'd already put that...? oh well, I was never very good at figuring that kind of thing out... Well, overall, great story!

Points: 4346
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Tue May 10, 2011 6:58 pm

Gheala wrote a review...

Three people burned to their deaths today, and no-one even asked any questions. Perhaps those men deserved it? I cannot know. Though the crowd - you should have seen the crowd. It was surprising seeing them all stand by the stable, very still and very quiet, as if statues. If only they were like you! Why, sometimes, when I close my eyes at night, I hear your thoughts - you say so much with silence. The crowd today was also silent, but it said nothing. The men also said nothing, even though their screams were deafening.

I have to say, this paragraph is so well-written that it forced me to continue reading. Your writing style is very sophisticated, which is very rare you know.

There was no "man" back then. Those who surrounded me were worms, maggots, things lesser than dirt, things only of so much worth as to absent-mindedly wipe off one's boot!

"Mindedly" isn't a word.

and our short time together will have been for nought.

"naught" instead of "nought"

I walked into my house, drunk on Spirit's wordless promises of power, expecting a quiet evening to spend on plans to destroy all others who had Spirit, then to crush humanity into a ball of yarn and play with it like a kitten who had just found his claws.

That's a very long sentence, have you noticed? Try to make it shorter.

But enough of this pining ink. I am practical; as it were, I can neither do with you nor without you - though I'd imagine it is healthier for all other memories, for all other loves, hates, sights, and persons, that I am kept chained by you

.
That's another very long sentence. Try to break it down to a few phrases.
***********************
That was all the nitpicks I could find in your piece. Your choice of words is very interesting, it has captured me from the first line. As I said, your style is very sophisticated and somehow calming. You seemed to describe the agony and the regret of your MC quite well, which simply means how talented you are.
Is this a novel, though? Or a short story? I wished to know more about your MC and I wished to know more about the beloved he killed. Is there a plot or a background for this? If so, please write more. I loved this and I'm waiting for more.

Good job and good luck

Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

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Mon May 09, 2011 9:52 am

Rydia wrote a review...

Ah, a dramatic monolgue. Now this takes me back to my high school. We spent a lot of time working on a few of these and I loved all the techniques and nuances of the style so much that I transferred them to quite a bit of my poetry and general fiction. I think yours is really good. I think there's a few things that need work but then, I would have finished commenting by now if I didn't. Here's a few specific comments and then I'll try to give you more general advice at the end:

Three people burned to their deaths today, [Would someone really say that? It sounds awkward. Maybe try, 'Three people burned today. They burned and no-one even...'] and no-one even asked any questions. Perhaps those men deserved it? I cannot know. Though the crowd - you should have seen the crowd. It was surprising [This would be more effective if it was, 'I was surprised to see them all...' With dramatic monologues, it's all about the persona. They're inward (as well as subtly outward) and are better written how a person thinks and people are naturally selfish; while we might speak in terms of you and he and we, what we're often thinking in our heads is 'I'.] seeing them all stand by the stable, very still and very quiet, as if statues. If only they were like you! Why, sometimes, when I close my eyes at night, I hear your thoughts - you say so much with silence. The crowd today was also silent, but it said nothing. The men also said nothing, even though their screams were deafening.

Beloved, forgive me. The events today conspired perfectly to lead me down this line of thought. I've spoken many times of that awful night, of that amazing night, yet you must not misunderstand me: I never mean to withhold news [This confused me. He suggests there may be new news but then the subject is never returned to or alluded to again. I'm not sure how I feel about that. And yet he has given her news, of the new burnings. So... I'm just not sure what you were implying here.] by virtue of repeating old words. I must, I must, I must relive that moment whenever the moment asks to be relived, or else my soul will burn itself from the inside, and our short time together will have been for nought.

Today scholars [He's talked of this to people? That feels wrong. This feels like something he would keep to himself or at least twist the details of. Surely this is something that he and the prince would want quiet, this almost regret and obsession?] tell me that ~~what~~I cannot possibly be recalling this moment right, that the whole event was over in a second or maybe two, but I know that for us it was hours. You heard me from above when I walked into the house. You were but a thief, and you knew that the Prince would send his finest wine to the newly made Spirit Archon's - mine, that is - cellar. It was human to take it, and as such, I should have seen a human. I should have seen a human being trying to get by, but I did not. I saw a pig that had dared to eat off its master's table.

Characterisation

I found your character a little unbelievable in places. For one, he doesn't strike me as the type to write this down in a letter and there doesn't seem to be the need for it, not when he feels that she's all around him. This actually felt a lot more like it was a one sided conversation with her. Like he was speaking outside or in his thoughts (since she's there too) and I think it would be more effective as such. It just makes his character that bit too... academic. Which doesn't fit with the way he thinks. He doesn't rationalise or disect enough. It would actually fit with his claims of writing about spirit but not with his overall tone. I think maybe you need to decide more about who he is. Who he was before he gave in to this Spirit and what residue of that remains in him? It would be a lot easier to care about him if there was some suggestion of that in there. And the reader needs to care or at least feel something for someone and the peasant girl is too vague a character for me to be bothered except by the fact that it matters to him.

Tone

I love the tone you have. It's very dark, very nicely expressed. I wish there was a wider range of emotion in it though. It seems a very steady dirge and I wonder if he would carry on with the burnings if he didn't at least feel something or if he didn't want to some extent to re-invoke that amusement and sense of power when he first killed. I'd love to see a few hints of passion in this so that I can better understand why he keeps on searching. Or if not passion then more reason at least. There's just something very flat and hopeless about his tone and yet there's a mild curiosity too. He'd be more interesting if you made those contrasting parts of his personality stronger so that he was more conflicted.

Overall, very nicely written and I've enjoyed the read. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xxx

Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

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Thu May 05, 2011 9:04 pm

Sins wrote a review...

So many epic reviews... x3

Okay, so! Per request, here I am. This isn't the kind of piece I'm all too awesome at reviewing, but I'll try my best to help you out. If you have any questions about this review when I'm done, just let me know. You know where my wall is.

In general, I think this is a really awesome piece, cC! Not the kind of thing I usually read, but definitely very interesting. You have that certain style... One that only a small number of YWSers have, and you do it very well, methinks. As many of the other reviewers have said, your vocabulary is excellent, and the imagery you create with that vocabulary is even better. Grammar isn't my strong point, but overall, it looks really good here. There definitely aren't any obvious problems or anything. I liked the voice of your MC too; it was unusual. So yeah, all in all, awesome job!

I will admit that I had to read this a few times over to really make sense of what was going on, and there are still parts that I'm a bit unsure of, but I kind of like that fact, so it's not a problem. One thing I wish was a little more clear though is the person this letter's actually addressed to. She was his first kill, right? Okay, so I understand why her death would be the most haunting, but there still feels like there's something... missing. This is probably more of a personal thing, but I'd like to know more about her. Not her life story or anything, but... just more, I guess. Right now, she's a bit like a stick woman right now. With an exploding head.

I mean, you've got the MC saying how much she means to him and such a lot, but it doesn't go an awful lot further than that. I'd like to know more specifically why the MC feels the way he does about her and just some more details in general, I suppose. The whole letter is about her really, so I'd definitely say she's important. I'd like for you to show us how important she really is. Feel free to disagree with this by all means, but that's my take on the situation!

Something else I noticed was that, at times, the whole MC having killed thousands of people thing gave off some mixed signals. Err, for me anyway. It could just be me being dumb. What I mean is that sometimes it felt as though all the people he'd killed bothered him, but other times, he seemed to shrug it off. The mention of those three men being burnt alive, for example. I mean, does killing people bother him or not? Because he's writing the letter, I'd assume that all of this does bother him because, well, it has a pretty sombre mood and some of what he talks about is the people he's killed. He's giving off mixed emotions, I guess. To me anyway. This could be down to my easily confusable self, but hey, I thought I'd mention it.

The only other thing I can come up with could be another me being my confused self thing, but I'll mention it anyway. I don't know if it it's just me missing out on the obvious, but it isn't really made clear why the MC does all of this. I mean, he doesn't seem like a totally horrible dude, so why would he chose to live a life where he kills so many people? Does he chose to live this life? Is the prince forcing him to do it? Or does he feel like he has to be loyal to the prince and do what he tells him? Or is the MC just insane or something? Even if he is being made to do this for whatever reason, why can't he, well, escape? I mean, the guy clearly has strong supernatural powers. He can kill anyone that gets in his way. I really think this may just be me being dumb, but still, that's something to think about if not.

All in all, I really do think this is an awesome piece of writing. I always like it when I enjoy reading something I don't normally enjoy, you know? Your writing style is wonderful, even if it does confuse me a lot (that's the beauty of it), and the technicality of the whole piece is great. It's a really clever little story too. So yeah, keep up the good work, my friend!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Points: 12987
Reviews: 162

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Sun May 01, 2011 12:44 am

silentpages wrote a review...

Very interesting, and beautifully written. My thoughts going through:

"feel the night sky's many-eyed gaze on my back" -- Excellent way to talk about the stars...

"Cannot it be cold in that cellar" -- Kind of an odd way to word this... I think I understand what you mean, but if a reader has to stop and figure it out, that takes them out of the story.

"My view was thus: common man was to me as dust is to the sea" -- I think you can leave out the 'My view was thus.' It makes it sound a little stiff, and I don't feel that it's really necessary... As is, in my view the whole 'Man sucks compared to me thing' is tiptoeing on the verge of dragging too long. That said, I love this line. "Man was to me as dust is to the sea..." Cool.

"to the newly made Spirit Archon's - mine, that is - cellar" -- I think there are smoother ways this could be worded... Maybe something like, "to the celler of the newly made Spirit Archon: me." If you even have to clarify that it's him in the first place. I think we can kind of infer that it's him...

You go from 'At first I though it was funny' to 'standing in a dazed silence.' Maybe to make the transition a little smoother, you could say something like, "... what happened after? After my stuttering laughter faded?" Or something like that. XD Idk.

The description of her death was a little graphic, but in a good way. There are lots of people who like stuff like that... and I kind of do. In a 'Ew, gross. ' kind of way. XD

Overall:
I like this. You did a good job on it, particularly with your imagery, and with incorporating information smoothly instead of drowning us in bland facts. Basically, you did a good job using more 'show' than 'tell.' I liked the way you gradually showed us what was going on, dishing out just enough facts to keep us intrigued.

And I am intrigued. There's nice novel potential here, I think, with all that's going on with the prince, the angry peasants, him and... Did I get the impression that there are others who hold this 'Spirit'? One thing that I'd be interested in seeing more of is who he's most loyal to. Is he always going to do what the prince says, or is he ultimately loyal to Spirit, or has he retained his will? Is he going to do what he thinks his Dearest would want him to do? Also, if this were a novel, I think I'd be interested in who this thief was, and what in her head made him fall in love with her. What experiences, loves, hates, etc... Who is she, really, besides a thief? But if this is just a short story, then I'd say it's good you left it where you did, without overwhelming us.

Really nice job here. ^^ The few suggestions I made were mostly just my opinion of what sounded a bit odd, to me. Keep writing.

EDIT: After glancing back at the story and looking at the other reviews, I did kind of have this, "Oh yeah, that's right" moment. I too had the thought that he'd be more sympathetic toward people after his experience with this thief, but like others mentioned... That doesn't seem to be the case. He kind of just goes on killing people. Why? Is the prince forcing him? Is the Spirit forcing him? Did he avoid it for weeks, and then when he finally axed somebody and didn't get flooded with their emotions, he went on a killing spree? And also, did he love the girl right after he killed her, or was he just startled at first, and the love came later? Things to think about. XD

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

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Sun May 01, 2011 12:00 am

JabberHut wrote a review...

Hey, Carbon! Sorry this is later than I said it would be. School got in the way that night, and then I decided that Review Day was coming up. So hopefully you'll forgive me. And hopefully it's not too late to give my feedback!

Fortunately, I had already read this earlier. A very intriguing piece, I think. There's definitely some plot going on behind the letter, and questions pop up in my mind as I read. So it definitely had me reading all the way through!

There are a couple points that came to mind as I read. The one that stood out to me most is the MC's writing style. I've never read anything by you before, but I know that when I write letters, I usually don't repeat "I must" three times or use dashes to cut off my sentences. Maybe the MC was a novelist before the whole Spirit thing? But it's all little things that are beyond nitpicky. xD The voice was very good. I definitely felt like he was talking to me. Or, uh, Dearest. Just thought I'd mention there are a few parts that didn't seem natural when writing letters to me. Though this does make me wonder why he's even writing this letter, and writing it now. Is he waiting for something? Is he bored? Is there some motivation for him to write this letter now? And why does he feel the need to mention his past with her now [days] after her death (rather than just the night following her death)?

I'm kind of confused as to why the MC has grown such a personal attachment to a women he met for a couple seconds before he killed her. I expected Dearest to be some sort of lover or close friend. She ended up being a thief and his first kill. That moment when he realized what he'd done is very awesome. Then he goes and kills a whole bunch more people. xD So maybe I misinterpreted that. Maybe he just went crazy. Maybe he loves Dearest for an entirely different reason? For awakening him to the joy of killing people? xD I'm having a hard time understanding this chick's role, I guess.

The one thing I really loved was the fact I had to read this again. The best short stories, in my opinion, are the ones which require a second reading to fully/mostly/better understand what exactly is going on. The first paragraph was going to be another nitpick of mine 'til I finished and finally made sense of what exactly the MC was saying. So yay! Good job!

Overall, I really enjoyed this read. And though I'm not sure if anything I say was helpful at all, I think your piece is definitely worth being proud of. Very wonderful job. You had me rooted on the spot!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Points: 3891
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Thu Apr 28, 2011 6:15 am

Snoink wrote a review...

Hey Carbon! This was an interesting letter, so yay for that!

A couple of things...

One thing I thought was a bit odd was the nature of this "spirit." As someone who is and has studied many mythologies, I can say with certainty that this definition changes from region to region, so the fact that you didn't actually give a clue as to what this region is is just making the story a bit too ambiguous for me. I realize that you are leaning towards the more ambiguous and trying to be more abstract, but I just found it to be annoying since I couldn't delve into the nature of his spirit more.

I don't really care for the main character. He seems really self-absorbed and oblivious to the world around him. In this letter, there seems to be an awakening to him that he is not the only person that exists and that other people have lives too. What makes this person particularly detestable is the fact that he seems to be well-educated and completely narcissistic and oblivious. So, yes, he'll talk about the three deaths in the beginning, but he doesn't really care about them or about anything else that they've left. I guess his apathy is kind of the thing that irks me. He is writing, but because he doesn't care, all his writing is essentially empty and pointless. The fact that he's killed thousands of people seems to be an almost moot point because to him, those people are not people at all. Even his "beloved" (if she can be called that) seems to be mostly a projection and little about the actual person.

Woo, narcissism.

Anyway, to me, it just seems like a failure-of-coming-to-age story. That is, he almost gets beyond the tiny little world of himself, but he fails in the end because he is too much in love with himself to ever really become a part of anything better. Failure! Part of me wants to see him actually succeed and grow and part of me wants him to be a navel-gazer forever, lol. In any case, it doesn't really matter. But yeah. He's pretty detestable!

The one point that I was a bit curious in (but didn't get a chance to see) was his relationship with the peasant whose house he took over. That to me was interesting, but again, he didn't really mention the peasant afterwards. He's quite a user!

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Reviews: 37

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Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:32 pm

wizkid515 wrote a review...

This story was interesting, i enjoyed it but it was a bit gory towards the end. Maybe it's just my stomach but I felt a bit sick imagining that. Good work.

Keep it up :thud:

Points: 7241
Reviews: 721

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Wed Apr 27, 2011 5:23 am

Azila wrote a review...

Alright, then. Here I am.

I actually am going to do a few nit-pickish things this time--think what you will.

Three people burned to their death today, and nobody even asked any questions. Perhaps they deserved it? I cannot know.

You jump back and forth from the burning people, to the crowd, back to the burning people, then (in the next, unquoted, sentence) back to the crowd again. All that jumping caught me off-guard the first few times I read it. I thought you were saying that "perhapes they deserved it" because they didn't ask questions... but then I realized that I had my "they"s mixed up. I'm not sure how you could fix this (or even if you should fix it at all) but maybe add in a reason for why the burning "they" deserved to be burned? Something before "Perhaps they deserved it," to show what lead the narrator to that conclusion, might help.

I understood this a long time ago: the golden marks of distinction weighing down my cloak carried just as grave a burden on my livelihood as they did on my cloth.

Yes, yes, this sentence could use some work. I stumbled on it a bit, and when I saw that Ego had as well, I figured I better make a suggestion. What if you cut out the "weighing down" and just made it "on"? So then it would be: "I understood this a long time ago: the golden marks of distinction on my cloak carried just as grave a burden on my livelihood as they did on my cloth." Hm... then you have a repetition of "on," don't you? Well it's something to consider anyhow. I really like the sentiment of this sentence, but it's a tricky one to word without sounding awkward. I'll leave it to you from here, but if you want more help with it let me know and I'll do my best.

Naturally, he does not see what I see in this room; this "dark, decayed, and dirty" room, as he put it. Cannot it be cold in that cellar, he asked, do you not suffer the elements with no ceiling there, he asked, is this truly the proper way for my right-hand to live?

My first thought when I saw this was: why is the first quote in quotation marks and the second one not? I realize that maybe the second one is more of a paraphrase, but it still seems awkward to me. If I were you, I'd either put the second one in quotes or word it so it seems like less of a direct quote.

I've spoken many times of that awful night, of that amazing night, yet you must not get me wrong: I never mean to withhold news by virtue of repeating old words.

This felt strangely colloquial in the context. Not a big deal, though.

It was too much for a sober mind, and so I went down to the wine cellar and met you.

I'm not sure whether or not this is intentional, but that bit made me think that he was going to get drunk off of him somehow--like he was expecting to find him and, in fact, he was the reason he was going down there. A rather interesting impression, actually, in retrospect.

It was human to take it, and as such, I should have seen a human. When I saw you, I know, I know I should have seen a human, but I did not.

Baah. Repetetive. I know this is a repetitive passage but this bit was a tad too much for me. I'd make it something more along the lines of: "It was human to take it, and as such, I know, I know I should have seen a human when I saw you, but I did not." ...ish?

Do you remember what you felt? Do you remember the inhuman rage marring my face? I remember yours, your terrified expression, which now blurs this ink with the salt of my tears.

This makes it sound like he's saying they both had rage marring their faces. I think you mean to have the "yours" refer simply to his face, but it seems like more than that in context. Other than that, I love the wording of this passage.

If there was no you, pride would turn me into the same mindless, instinct-driven animal that I thought, I knew all others to be -- exactly the kind I hated when Spirit first entered me.

Sounds odd to me. Maybe "If it weren't for you"? Hm, that's kind of colloquial so maybe not. I don't know. Play with it.
-------------------------------

Nice work, cC. I know I don't have to tell you that, but I thought I would anyway. The first time I read this, I think I understood about 60% of it. I was sitting in the classroom and I had a few minutes before my class started so I took out my laptop and read this. As I was about halfway through, my professor came in and started talking very loudly to a student right next to me (professor has pretty bad hearing problems and student has a heavy accent and a bad cold), so needless to say the distractions abounded. But I still fell in love with the writing. The words themselves were so beautiful to read that it almost didn't matter that I couldn't afford to sit and scrutinize them for meaning (as, I think, one needs to do with this piece). I'm actually kind of glad I had that first read-through--it was so completely over my head at that moment that the words sort of went in one eye and out the other, but they left a gorgeous trail on my brain in their wake.

I have to admit something: I thought your character was a girl the first time I read it. And the second time. And the third. And... well.. right up until I was writing this review and combing through for my nitpicks and I came accross the place where you say "...the Prince's finest wine in his cellar." Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you, but just excuse me if I accidentally slip and call ~~her~~ him a her.

Anyhow, I'm intrigued by him. From what I've gathered, he has some sort of magical destructive power. In this world, it seems, magic is attributed to some religion, (or at least spirituality) so this makes him somewhat holy. And with his tremendous power, he works for the Prince, killing people/cities that he (the Prince) wants dead. He kills people all the time. Yet, he is not completely cold to the idea of killing because he is still haunted by what I assume to be the first person he ever killed. That person has been somewhat deified in his memory for possibly no reason other than that he was the first one. Their relationship is fascinating--some sort of mix between worship, friendship, haunting, and... in a way... love. Beautiful and complicated.

I think you may want to make it a little more of a big deal that he was his first victim. It took me a few readings to gather that. Does he think of him every time he kills someone else? I would think that would be bigger than you made it.

I also really have to wonder: what does he (the dead man) say? Does he reprimand? Does he taunt? Does he pine? The narrator seems to have a way of talking to him that begs for approval. Begs for a sort of sympathy, or redemption. But what does he receive? I have a sense that they talk regularly, but I have no sense at all of what they say. Maybe this is intentional?

Another thing I have to say is that all the "dearest"s and "beloved"s got a little old after a while. They started to feel forced, and a bit over the top, I think.

I'm a little confused by the ending. Meaning, the last line. I had a sense through the whole piece that this letter was sort of a stream-of-conscious, like any that this character has at any given time. I had a sense that he says these things a lot. but apparently this was some special "confession"? I may be being daft, but I'm not at all sure of what he was confessing.

To sum up this scatterbrained review: good work. This is one of those pieces that you can read over and over and over and get more out of each time because there are so many layers to it. I can appreciate it when reading it for the first time while my deaf professor is shouting right next to me, and I can also appreciate it after reading it many times and thinking over it for a day or two. It's not the kind of piece that should be on the Internet, where everyone's attention-spans have character limits and you skip from place to place commenting and "like"ing without much thought. I won't be surprised if you get a lot of "this was confusing" reviews because, frankly, it is confusing--the first few times I read it I was very confused. To me, that's the charm of it. But it's a charm that I wouldn't have been able to appreciate had I not invested myself so much in rereading and rethinking this.

I humbly bow before you, carbonCore.

a

P.S. I apologize that this review wasn't as well-thought-out as I would have hoped, but know that I have been thinking about the piece and I will continue to think about it for some time to come. (Ah, I had to fit an apology in here somewhere!)

Points: 6371
Reviews: 576

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:45 pm

Ego wrote a review...

Hey cC;

Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitly stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here.

The crowd today was also silent...

Dead horse. We get it. Consider putting this line before the one about the horses and screaming men.

...weighing down my cloak carried just as grave a burden on my livelihood...

this took me two read-throughs to understand, and not in a good way. I'd rephrase it.

...I feel the night sky's many-eyed gaze on my back.

Aw, how purdy. Nicely worded.

It is the second time this year they burned down my house - but do not bear them ill will!

Maybe the protagonist should mention this little tid-bit before assuming his beloved knows that it happened.

...because I saw your head burst and I saw it splatter all over the walls.

"Splatter" is a rather odd word, here. It throws back to old slasher flicks and video games. Kinda frivolous, for such a revealing moment.

Did you see me stand in a dazed silence for many seconds that were years?

Nice throwback to the earlier comment about seconds rather than hours.

On word play.
I like the way you explore the idea of speaking with silence and saying nothing despite making noise. Good stuff. Throughout the piece, your wordplay is excellent. I touched on another couple fragments I liked above.

On setting and character.
Loved them both. You tell enough so that we get the idea, but don't give away enough such that it pulls us out of the fantasy by info-dumping. Your character is rather fun to think about, even if we know nothing about him as a person. He does seem to be rather uninteresting, though, as he is merely a slave with no humanity save for this random confession to a dead woman. I personally would like to see a bit more from him; but perhaps that's the intent. Does he have a backstory? Can he related at all to the people he kills? Perhaps in his life before Spirit? I'd like to see these things mentioned in the piece. One thing that does seem completely out of place, to me, was his initials at the end. They hold no significance for the reader whatsoever.

On what comes After.
Does he have any thought about what will happen when he dies, if he ever will? I think this would also be an interesting addition to a confession.

Fun stuff.

--D

Points: 1040
Reviews: 52

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 10:38 pm

halogirl4197 wrote a review...

I'm kinda confused about the whole thing =/. It might be just me but I don't understand who they're writing too. At first, I thought they were like making a prayer or something to God but Idk. Then I thought it was of them writing a unsent letter to someone they loved that they had killed but idk lol. However, you use a excellent wide spread vocabulary and I loved how you made every word vivid and meaninful! Good job

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