Lingering, from the beginning, he is cloaked in black,
Long, thick, matted hair hangs down his back.
His face is branded with a sly smile,
As he watches from the shadows, all the while
The creatures that live amidst his dark domain,
Contend with his ceaseless and impervious reign.
For he marks the seconds, each single one,
With ‘ticks' and 'tocks' that tumble down from the tip of his tongue.
And he walks. His approaching steps conjure a sound that looms,
Once merely a whisper, but now, with age, a more resounding boom.
Creeping from behind, slowly, menacingly,
Time unveils his thick dark cloak and begins to engulf me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi,
This is a terrific poem. The imagery is relatively outstanding and you seem to use language quite purposefully and beautifully. I don't think I will bother with a long, drawn-out analysis or commentary on the poem, but I think that as a poet you should, if not already, get into the habit of analyzing and picking apart your own work. Don't keep things all in your head and then spew them out on paper! Take time in your thinking and consideration of themes, etc.
There are some problems with word choice which very much detract from the sophistication and beauty of the poem. In line 5, you say "penance". This doesn't quite make much sense in my interpretation. Penance is (or at least has a connotation of) a self-inflicted absolution of sin or atonement. It seems to me that one cannot be in terror of penance per se.
Line 10 seems messy and ill-conceived; it doesn't sound as well as the others. I would replace the word "boom". It would break your rhyme scheme but at least it won't seem as though you just randomly added "boom" to have the assonance with "looms".
Suggestions: you could go a few steps further with your characterization of time as a menacing figure that constantly looms behind us. You've used some pretty words, but the entire poem is still just this: "time is a menacing figure who constantly follows us". It seems rather flat and one-dimensional. You should consider adding more meaning to your poem, which might require lengthening it.
Lemons
At the beginning of the poem, there's only one little typo (if it is one)that I saw. The word 'matt' is supposed to be a 'matted'. When I saw that, I had to read it twice to see what you mean. Once I got to the middle, I started to figure out that "he" wasn't human, I like how you did that. He sounds scary and time really is a scary thing. The way you worded it was a cool and new way to view time. All your rhyming was well placed and thought out. Please tell me when you write more. I loved it! Happy writing!
Hi. Hello.
I'm never good at opening these things.
Right. Overall, I quite like it. You create a vivid and menacing presence in the character of Time, and you describe death (the theme, I think?) in a new and interesting way. Your rhymes are perfect (except for 'looms'-'boom', which is very close), and the whole poem flows well when read out loud.
However, there are some things that could be changed, specifically:
It's been said before, but I'll reiterate to demonstrate that more than one person found it a problem: 'that', would sound better, and make more sense, as 'a', in my opinion.
This sounds too fast to me, and some of the meaning is lost in the rush. A comma would help, perhaps after 'shadows'. Also, should there be a full stop after 'while'?
This I didn't really understand. Is the presence of time a punishment? Surely the passing of time, or our ceasing to pass through it (i.e. dying) is the real 'penance'? Could this be an example of warping the sense of a poem to match the rhyme-scheme?(I've done it myself.)
Ooooooh. That's a good line. A nice one to get in an English exam. (Sorry, I've got exams on the brain at the moment.)
I like the way you slow the pace of the line down here, with commas, to match the meaning.
As I said, good. Well done. It made me think, which is the highest compliment I can give.
Goodbye.
Hello car1y23! Gymnsat2801 here with a review!
Here, you need a comma after "Long" and "thick". Also, "matt" should be "matted".
Okay, I feel like "that" isn't the best word to put here because by using "that", it makes it sound like you are going to describe the smile or say something more about the sly smile. I think "a sly smile," would sound better.
Here, I feel like your verse/sentence was a little overused. It just seems to keep continuing when there are places where it could stop. Maybe try to find a place to cut the verse/sentence and then add another verse to your poem.
Otherwise, I loved this poem! I can tell that it's about death, right? It's basically the Grim Reaper waiting for his time to come appon everyone and take their lives. I love this concept that you created, it's very interesting and something that I would read over and over. Great job!
Keep on writing!