I remember
falling
off the face of the earth
for a split second,
being afraid to fly
afraid to sink –
just hanging in mid-air,
hesitating
whether to reach out
or to look down,
whether to breathe
or to vanish,
whether to see
or to dream.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
It's harder to review smaller pieces but when you got good poetry you just gotta review it. I like how you started this but I feel that there is that sort of cliche inconsistency. Probably not intentional but still there. As in the last part:
When you have such a great (and yes post-modern) beginning it's important to continue on through to add a unique, not expected ending.
Other than that though I am honestly surprised this did not get more appraise as it is really good.
What I meant by inconsistency was when you started off with "reach out, or to look down"
then whether to "breathe or to vanish" there is a sort of connection but if you know what I mean it isn't fully clear, and while that's okay, I feel a slight disconnect because of it. A small way that it could be edited could be:
"whether to reach out
or to fall down,
whether to breathe
or to hold in,
(or drown or keep vanish, I thin vanish is fine, finding something opposite of breathe is hard, haha.)
whether to see,
or to dream."
I believe that helps it to connect a bit more, but to be honest it sounds great and you did a fabulous job. I even like how you formatted it, writing it all in one long sentence. It sounds really great and I truly understand it, the person is falling but are they going to chose to soar up or are they going to just fall and leave themselves to die. I do feel there could have been more added to explain this, but this short poem is beautiful and well done!
Keep dreaming, and writing!
Hey Willow C. here, I'd have a clever opening here, but I'm too sick so bear with me...
Anywho, I liked this poem. It was very thought provoking and the beginning, honestly, sounded it could be the first few lines of a book or movie. I do, however, think you could have done more with it. You had all my attention and then it was just a list. I do like what you have here, but I think you could say more. Explain. You set up a scene where you are hanging in the sky, but there is so much you could do with that.
I am not going to suggest that you explain how you feel in the sky or what you see or how you got up there in the first place because I do believe that will ruin the poem completely it just feel like you could use this idea for something a whole lot bigger.
I know this isn't the best reveiw in the world but this poem is beautiful just how it is.
-Willow C.
It's really good.I just felt something cool while reading it. You have so much potential! Keep being awesome!
Hello capriciouscoralyn! It's Squire Yubbies here to vanquish this Green Room Piece!
I really liked this poem. I love it when authors just string bits and pieces together to make a quick "snapshot" poem. It really just draws the reader in when they just have to think about one quick idea for just a second before moving on and them gluing them together to create a unique mental image.
I love how you used italics for the word falling.
The only thing I didn't like was how you didn't tie it all together at the end. It just ends. No conclusion. I would add a bit more!
This is a wonderful piece, Keep Writing!
Squire Yubbies