They ran from existance,
though they existed as two,
where none could save them
from where kisses consumed.
Engulfed by their senses,
entralled by their being.
Uncovered,
discovered
promises were held
captive in hearts
united,
and seperate.
Love not an object,
no more than a gist,
was completely intoxicating
the two fused souls.
Were there souls to fuse,
they would have been named empty.
Though presently,
filled;
the gist existed in all parts
of the Siamese beings,
and was glowing now,
like neon,
lit by realization.
Uncovered,
discovered,
love,
not an object,
but a gist.
Existance,
not a fact,
but a passing thought,
intense,
in it's evanescence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there!
So, this is nice and all. I like the word choice, it's pretty, but there's no substance. You need to find something concrete about which to make this poem. Until then, the poem is a just a collection of words with little meaning.
Sporks
Watch your spelling. Existence is spelled with an "e".
Overall, there were two main issues with this piece. The first is the vagueness. The second is that you have punctuation at the end of almost every line.
Concerning the punctuation, why? Poetry does not need punctuation at the end of every line, and in general follows the same conventions of grammar as regular writing, formatting aside. If there isn't a grammatical reason to put punctuation at the end of the line, I suggest you don't. If you put the punctuation there to indicate a pause, it is unnecessary as having a line break naturally results a slight pause as your reader's eyes jump down to the start of the next line.
Concerning the vagueness, right now all you have are a bunch of abstract words without any concrete imagery to ground them. Pretty words are pretty and all, but if all they contribute to the poem is prettiness without clear meaning, then they're pretty much useless. The more complex a word, generally the more complex and abstract its meaning, which makes it difficult for your reader to relate to your writing. Rather than rely upon fancy words which ultimately ring hollow, try showing your reader what you're talking about with concrete examples and explaining things as concisely and in a way that's easily understood as possible.
This poem has a really interesting, unique style. The stanzas of very short lines also give it a really cool rhythm. I also really liked the idea of the two souls escaping and fusing. The only part I didn't like was:
"Were there souls to fuse,
they would have been named empty."
This contradicts the two lines before it. It gives the impression that there weren't souls, but just before that the poem says that the souls fused.
Overall, a very well done piece.