I'd really like to improve this piece, since I like my idea. Any suggestions or comments regarding plot, typos or anything else would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! (Oh, and The first part is in my porfolio. You don't have to read it first since they aren't really that related. But if you want too.... 
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Totems 2
Cormorant
The morning air is sharp in my nose, bringing in the scent of kelp and low-tide. I sway slightly from the motion of the boat as I stand up, about to walk the length of the small craft. My father is doing some task or another down below, perhaps repairing the engine. Looking at my watch, I see that I have a few minutes before the tourists start arriving. Taking a sopping rag out of a bucket of water which has been sitting in a corner, I begin to wipe down the rows of blue leather seats. They soon begin to steam in the midday sun, their surfaces almost too hot to touch. A voice calls from down below. It is my father, telling me to open the ticketing booth. Obediently, I jump over the rope at the entrance to the boat, and head over to the tiny weather-beaten building. Already several touristy-looking people are waiting. A large sign stands at the beginning of the line.
Whale watching tours! Only ten dollars a person.
Also on the sign are numerous pictures of native animals, from orcas to seabirds to grizzlies. I had helped to design that sign.
I turn my attention to the ticketing booth, slipping inside and squeezing into the one small chair. This has been my chore for a long time, mainly because my father can no longer fit inside the decrepit shack. Our first customer steps up to the Plexiglas window. I go through the pre-rehearsed dialogue in my head, preparing to talk to the lady.
“Hello ma’am, how can I help you?”
She grunts and pointed to her children and herself, then hands me a roll of bills. Slightly put out by her silence, I tell her to go and wait in the roped-off section on the dock by the boat. I sigh, and begin to serve the other customers. Soon they are all waiting to get on the boat but one little old man.
“Excuse me sir, how can I help you?”
He ignores me completely, waddling forward. His head barely clears the counter, so bent is he with age. I repeat it again a little louder.
“Sir?”
Still, no response. He goes forward to wait with the others. I look out the window hurriedly, seeing that there is no one else, before slipping out the door and chasing after him. Suddenly a shout from my father distracts me. It is time to cast off. Throwing one more hurried glance at the waiting passengers, I rush to help him get the passengers on board. As I helped the lady who was first in line to get her young children onto the deck, I was also scanning the waiting people for a sign of the old man. As the other passengers slowly boarded, I still didn’t get any sight of him. Finally the last person was on board. I heave a sigh of relief as I begun to un-tie the mooring ropes. My father is already handing out life-jackets and brochures to the passengers, his dark, weather-beaten face lighting up with joy. Finally, we were ready to go.
As the motor picked up and we cruised out of the small marina, seagulls whirl overhead, sometimes sending shrill calls to our ears. Sea-spray hits me in the face as I stand at the bow, looking for dead-heads or other things that might be dangerous to the boat. My father is using his old speaker-system to announce visible landmarks to the passengers. Finally, out in the bay, we slowed. I step down from the bow and go to sit on a vacant seat. Despite the heat of the sun, I am wet from the spray, and shiver slightly in the light breeze that is blowing. My father is still talking to the passengers, pointing out the seals basking on a rocky outcropping. There is much excited picture taking and talking from our passengers. The sun is already beginning to warm and dry my clothes, so I lean my head back and close my eyes, letting my body soak up its rays.
A sound from my left wakes me up from my half-asleep state. With a flurry of wings, a large cormorant has settled on the railing of the deck, orange eyes staring intently into mine. Its glossy black feathers gleam in the sunshine, and it’s almost graceful head is turned so it can look at me. An intense feeling spreads through me, filling me with almost indescribable joy. I turn to look at the other passengers, thinking that they must feel it to. They are still focused on the sleeping seals, their heads all turned away from me. All except one. It is the little old man! How did he slip past me onto the boat? I tried to run through in my mind all the times he could have gotten on without me noticing. He is looking at the cormorant, a small smile creasing his aged and tanned face. I notice that his teeth are white and strong despite his age. Turning back to the Cormorant, which is still sitting on the railing, I decide not to say anything….. yet. I want to continue looking at the bird a while longer. But no such luck, for in a few more minutes, perhaps scared off by the starting of my father’s engine, it spread its wings and took off into the sky. As it left, I could feel a strong connection, and feel a drop in my stomach as if I too were in the sky, soaring with it.
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140,546 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
And..... Edited! I hope I got everything. Reviews please?
Ahhh..... I see. Now, reading through it again, There are a few spots. Im pretty sure its ok in some of them though....... I'll fix the ones I find.
Any plot comments? Im about to edit this one. I just finished editing the other one as well, actually, if you want to look......
I haven't found out how Im going to make it clearer yet, but I will. The first was is a girl.
Oh, and to fix the [s]he thing, its a boy.
Thanks again for the review!
Well, for instance it shouldn't be "So how was he here?" It should be "So how is he here?" I think, anyway.
I don't know, I might just have read it the wrong way...
~Azila~
Actually, I'm pretty sure that this is all correct.
I will work on the ending......
Thanks for the review!
I agree with Camille that this piece isn't as good as the first one. Though there aren't many spelling/grammatical errors, there's a lot of tense-changing. Also, The whole thing felt a little rushed... especially the ending. You should go into a little more detail, all in all-- especially the ending. I think the cormorant should be a much stronger element of the whole story (maybe a reoccurring theme, or something?) and you should elaborate on the fact tat the MC feels connected to it. Maybe say something about how [s]he (MC) feels like [s]he is taking off into the air with the bird...?
That said, I'll get on with the line-by-line nit-picks...
Why in her/his head? [S]he's saying it out loud... the time to say it in her/his head would be when [s]he's getting into the booth.
The first two sentences are in past, but the rest in the present.
More tense-slipping... tsk tsk tsk.
Even MORE tense problems!
Meh. A kind of weak ending, don't you think? ...But I already talked about that.
So... the main problems (I think) are the tense-slips and the weak ending. But with a little work, I think, this can easily become as great as the first.
Hope this helps!
As you know, you can PM me anytime!
~Azila~
Wow! Thanks....... About the little old man part, he is one of the main characters. I think I am going to connect everything and have him be the reason most of them meet their totem animals.... (I think im going to have four of them)..... Anyway, I didn't edit this one as thoroughly as the other one, which is something I'll have to do.
Thanks for the amazingly helpful review! I'll try to revise it when I have time.
>>> Review one of five >>>
Very nice, canis!
I'm a sucker for animal/native spirituality stories in general, but I especially like your 'Totems'. They just leave me with a good feeling after I read them and the imagery is very pretty.
Now, onto the nit-picks!
Notice how every sentence has a comma in it? I don't think this is that much of a problem, but it makes for a rather awkward flow. Especially the 'looking at my watch,' part and then the next sentence starting with 'taking a sopping rag out of..'
You know what I mean?
What does this building look like? I picture it kind of...wooden, but I'd like a more concrete image. Just add in a little adjective or something.
I don't really understand this part...if she's just been handed a roll of bills, why is she put out? You should explain more.
Wasn't it a little old man in the last one too? There's nothing really wrong with this, but I think that in your next pieces (if more totems are forthcoming) you should use an old woman instead. Or a young[er] man or woman. I dunno - it's up to you.
'Shivered' should be 'shiver', since the rest of the piece is in first tense.
Whoa..that's lots of question marks and exclamation marks.
I think you should re-phrase the last bit of that sentence a bit, because it isn't really necessary to say that his face is wrinkled. When you mention 'little old man, I automatically picture him as wrinkled...so maybe say 'his weather-beaten face' (or something like that) instead?
Why do you want to continue looking at the bird? Elaborate a little more, because besides the obvious reasons, we (the reader[s]) don't know.
Overall, very nice. I especially liked the pacing of this - not too fast, not too slow. You might want to describe the boat and tourist office/building, but asides from that, this was quite good.
I must say that I liked your other piece better, though. Probably because it had more description...but really, its just a matter of personal opinion.
Cheers,
Camille
P.S. If I wasn't clear enough, PM me or something. xD