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Young Writers Society



The Box

by canislupis


All comments appreciated! :D

The Box

The stairs creak, complaining loudly as I step up the narrow staircase. I reach a hand out to try the door at the top, but of course it is locked. It is chilly in the stairwell and my hands shake slightly as I fumble with the keys. As the door swings open, I hold my breath in expectation.

As my eyes adjust and the room unfolds itself before my eyes, I feel a rush of disappointment. There is nothing here, save for a thick coating of dust, and a small box in the corner. Light from the one dirty window filters down through the cobwebs, momentarily blinding me as I step forward. The eaves slant sharply and I am forced to bend over to keep my head from brushing the ceiling. I pick it up. It is unbelievably heavy for its size, and I have to use two hands to hold it. It is made of a dark red wood, possibly maple, and its top is inlaid with many different colored chips. It is wonderful. I stand up, and suddenly a pulsating energy shoots through my fingers. I jump back, still holding on, but startled. I stare at it in amazement for a minute, wondering if I had imagined it. I hesitate, wondering if I should leave it where I found it… No one has been up here for years and some things would be better left undisturbed. Finally I make up my mind and I walk slowly out of the room. It doesn’t happen again as I travel down the attic stairs to my bedroom.

I run my hands reverently over the dark wooden surface. It feels smooth and cool to my touch. Slowly, I lift it up above my head, studying the bottom. I marvel again at how incredibly heavy it is for something that fits in the palms of my two hands. I sit down on the end of my bed, feeling it sag slightly beneath my weight. I set the box on my lap, setting my fingers into the grooves on top of the lid. I have no idea how to open it, but I feel that there is something extremely important contained inside. My fingers move around the edge, searching for a catch. Nothing. Then, suddenly, I feel it. That strange pulsing energy again travels up my outstretched fingertips, making my hands vibrate. I pull away, fearful of what might be inside. Despite my curiosity, I have the foolish notion that the feeling it coming from the box. I contemplate for a minute. Should I put it back where I found it? But no, there is something inside it, and I have to see it, to know what it is. I push my fingers into the groove around the side of the box again, trying to feel for something, a way to make it open. Finally! A soft click. I am almost there! I strain, trying to force the swollen wood open.

“Susan! Dinner’s ready!”

It is my mother calling from downstairs. I am so absorbed in what I am doing, that her voice catches me completely by surprise and I start violently, dropping the box. I wince, watching in slow motion as it falls.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t crack as I would have expected, but bounces on the floor with a dull thud. My mother calls again.

“Susan?”

I ignore her, grabbing for it; picking it up in my hands once more. For a minute I think that the energy is gone, but a second later I feel the same throbbing hum and smile, caressing the smooth wood. I hear my mother on the stairs, coming up to see what I’m doing. I step over to the door and close it, wishing I had a lock. I never take my eyes off the box. It throbs again, and it is an uncomfortable feeling this time, like my arms are jarring in their sockets. I try to put it down on the bed, but I can’t. I have to get it open.

My hands shaking of their own accord, I run my fingers over the glossy wood one last time, feeling for a way to get it open. Abruptly I feel it give under my hand, and with a creaking sound it opens. With a feeling of intense gratification I sink to the floor, staring into the depths of its insides. At first I think there is nothing there, but as I put my hands inside the interior of the box, I feel the same wild energy of before. It is more powerful now, and it runs up my arms to my shoulders, and then down my back until my whole body is shaking. From somewhere far away I hear the doorknob turning, but I can’t turn my head to look. It is too late. I see a flash of light, and then nothing.

Late afternoon sunlight filters through a closed window as a woman steps forward, a frown on her face.

“Susan?”

But the small room is obviously empty. There is a bed in the corner, and a small nightstand. There is nowhere to hide. Confusion turning to annoyance, the woman moved toward the door to the attic. Could her daughter be up there? She is about to call out again, but her foot strikes something hard, lying on the floor. She bends over and picks it up, running her callused hands over its surface. Her mouth opens slightly as she breathes in slowly.

“Beautiful.” She speaks in a whisper, and stares at the box as if she is in a trance. Her eyes glazed over, she fits her hands under the lid, searching for a way to open it.


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Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:42 pm
canislupis says...



Hey!

Thanks for the helpful reviews. :) I appreciate it. I dunno if I mentioned this before, but this was kinda a spur-of-the-moment piece, so I probably do have to go back and do some serious editing.

Wolf: Thanks! That line by line stuff was really helpful. About the description, I was kinda thinking about that... I think I'll add some in the next revision. However, the part when she was holding the box was intentional. I was trying to make it seem like she was so absorbed in what she was doing that she wouldn't notice many details. Anyway, I'll work on it.

Chloe: I do kinda have a problem with that, don't I? * sigh * I'll try to work on that as well. Thanks for the review!!!


I'm not sure why I write these replies to reviews, since the odds are none of you will actually read this... but I'm rambling. Thanks again!


~Lupis




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Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:07 pm
Chloe wrote a review...



ul. I stand up, and suddenly a pulsating energy shoots through my fingers. I jump back, still holding on, but startled. I stare at it in amazement for a minute, wondering if I had imagined it. I hesitate, wondering if I sho

Hi! Love the storyline, it's very mysterious and all that, and I love how descriptive you are. What I'd just like to say is that sometimes the writing gets a little awkward and repetitive. For example, in your second paragraph, you have consecutive sentences starting with "I stand up", "I jump back", "I stare at it", "I hesitate". Try varying how you begin sentences, for example by using passive sentences, and try not to overuse the pronoun "I". A little variation will help to grip us (the readers) more.




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Sun Jul 05, 2009 8:46 pm
Wolf wrote a review...



Hey! I haven't read anything of yours for a while; I'm looking forwards to this. :)

canislupis wrote:The stairs creak, complaining loudly as I step up the narrow staircase.


Hmmm ... I think this ia kind of an awkward sentence, especially with the 'stairs' followed by 'staircase'. Maybe you should try switching it around a bit for a beter flow; for example, "The narrow staircase creaks loudly in protest as I step onto it".

I reach a hand out to try the door at the top, but of course it is locked.


Just a sugestion, but I think here could be a could opportunity to sneak in some character development - if they know it's locked, why would they try anyway? Did they forget - to they have a bad memory? Was it out of habit? Stuff like that, you know, to give us a better idea of who the narrator is.

It is chilly in the stairwell and my hands shake slightly as I fumble with the keys.


This seems to be a bit of telling rather than showing that you could easily avoid by saying something like "I fumble for the keys, hands shaking from the slight chill". Or ... okay, so that wasn't very god, but hopefully you get the point?

As my eyes adjust and the room unfolds itself before my eyes, I feel a rush of disappointment.


Repetition of 'eyes'. ;) Could easily be saved by changing to something like "as my eyes adjust, the room unfolds itself and I feel a rush of disappointment." I love the way you said unfolds itself", though. :D

Light from the one dirty window filters down through the cobwebs, momentarily blinding me as I step forward.



I get what you mean here, but think about your word choices: if it's just filtering in through the cobwebs, would it be strong enough to blind you? Dazzle, maybe, or wash your vision with a soft yellow glow. xD Something like that.

The eaves slant sharply and I am forced to bend over to keep my head from brushing the ceiling.


Again, a little bit more telling than showing ... could try: I am forced to bend over to keep my head away from thte sharply slanted eaves. And again, taht was a poor example on my part but, hopefully you see how that way, you show that the eaves are slanting, and not tell?

I pick it up. It is unbelievably heavy for its size, and I have to use two hands to hold it. It is made of a dark red wood, possibly maple, and its top is inlaid with many different colored chips. It is wonderful.



To make it more interesting, more show-y: I pick it up and am surprised that I have to use both hands; it is heavy but beautiful, the dark red wood gleaming in the dim light. A variety of richly-hued chips make up the lid, those too burnished and softly shining.

Finally I make up my mind and I walk slowly out of the room.


A little nit-picky, but a little voice is telling me there should be a comma after 'Finally'. >.>

I am so absorbed in what I am doing, that her voice catches me completely by surprise and I start violently, dropping the box.


That SAME voice! Maybe there shouldn't be a comma after 'doing'?

I ignore her, grabbing for it; picking it up in my hands once more. For a minute I think that the energy is gone, but a second later I feel the same throbbing hum and smile, caressing the smooth wood. I hear my mother on the stairs, coming up to see what I’m doing. I step over to the door and close it, wishing I had a lock. I never take my eyes off the box. It throbs again, and it is an uncomfortable feeling this time, like my arms are jarring in their sockets. I try to put it down on the bed, but I can’t. I have to get it open.



Okay, so you're realyl curious about this box. I think this would be a good place for a little more character development from what you've written so far I get the feeling she's maybe a bit superstitious ("some things are better left undisturbed") and a more cautious type of person, but I think you could further develop her personality by maybe telling us what exactly she hopes to find in the box. Expand a little more on her motives here - is she usuallly this focused, or does she think something fantastic is in the box? I think we could get a good fel for her character if we knew what she thinks is in the box, personally.

---

Overall, I likd this, and the end really left me wanting to know more. Are you going to continue it? I hope so. :)

I did notice, however, that in this piece you use less imagery - it's lacking the beautiful descriptions that are common in your other pieces, like Totems. Maybe this was intentional, maybe not, but I'd like a teensy bit more. The only imagery you used here was to describe the attic, and that was mostly adjectives - the dark red wood, the glossy wood, the cool smooth surface. Which is alright, but I find that the description drops away almost completely when the scene changes to her bedroom. Try to keep it consistent :}

What I did like were the ideas themselves - I was dreading that the box's contents would be somethign cliche like a long-lost magical artifact or heavenly prescence, so I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that the box contained only energy. Good call there. ;)

So basically, this is a good start and let me know if you continue it, okay? I'm curious. :P

Cheers,
- Camille.<3




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Sat Jun 27, 2009 10:27 pm
canislupis says...



Thanks for the reviews. About the first paragraph, I'll try to edit it. Any suggestions?


Emm: Thanks! I'll try to add some character development. I had a feeeling this was missing something, or perhaps many somethings, but since I wrote it in a hurry I haven't really gone over it much.

And I do like that ending. :)


Turtle: Yep, that was a typo. I'll go fix it now. Thanks for the review!!!




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Fri Mar 20, 2009 8:57 pm
TurtleWriter27 wrote a review...



Well I agree with some people before me. The first paragraph seemed cluttered. You tend to start the sentence with the same word a lot. It was very interesting story, it kept me reading to the end. The ending was a little anti-climatic though.

Despite my curiosity, I have the foolish notion that the feeling it coming from the box. I contemplate for a minute.


Should it be the feeling IS coming from the box?




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:32 pm
EmmVeePi wrote a review...



Interesting story to say the least.
The beginning couple paragraphs seemed a little cluttered. A lot of words saying not very much, it got the point across though so if thats your style then so be it.
It was very hard as the reader to identify with the main character because you gave us so little. Granted you cant do all the character development in a SS as you can in a novel but you got room, you can do better.
I also have a better ending.

Dad walks in, whats this? picks it up, disappears. The neighbor comes over to check on the family after not seeing them for a few days, finds the box, picks it up, disappears. Then his wife, other neighbors, the whole town, state, country. Several hundred years later the last man on earth walks into a house he thought he might have just seen someone go into, sees the box. "Hmm whats this." Picks it up, the end.


Like it? Anyways nice work, just work a little more on the character development I would say.




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Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:42 pm
canislupis says...



Thank you for the review! I will edit with your suggestions.




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Sun Mar 15, 2009 12:25 am
Spraynard Krueger wrote a review...



Huh... Intresting thing this box is. But what I kinda wanna know is if she knew the box was there, was it the box she was looking for, and... i guess thats it, but I never find out its alright. This story wasnt bad, kinda anticlimactic, but not wholly anticlimactic. but one thing i saw.

As my eyes adjust and the room unfolds itself before my eyes

Even though we do have two eyes, and so logic may dictate this should and would be better also with two eyes, its not! As the rest of the story was decently written withought reduntent words likethis, I assume you just overlooked it or something.





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