z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Julio's NIghtmare

by canete9814


January 8, 2008, Julio a 38 year-old man from mexico crossed the border when he was a teenager and currently got papers. Julio is the only one from his family that crossed the border without getting caught. He is also the only one that has papers. Julio really wants his family to come live with him, he’s trying to figure out a way to get his family papers, but even if he did get papers for his family it wouldn’t be safe for his mom to get on a plane because she’s very old and sick. She only has one lung. Julio’s dad isn’t sick but he is very old.

Michelle is from spain, her mom died from drugs when she was a toddler, Michelle’s father lives an in apartment located around where she lives. Michelle and her father don’t have a lot of contact because he’s always working.

Michelle and Julio are together currently dating. Julio wants to ask her if she would like to marry him in a couple of days.

The following morning Julio and Michelle went out for a early jog and were debating on what to do over the weekend. Julio thought a fancy restaurant would be a perfect place to ask Michelle to marry him. Michelle thought it would be best to just go to the park for a picnic.

Michelle had nothing to wear so they had gone to the mall to buy clothes for later on.

As they were exiting the mall, they had come upon an old friend of theirs from college. Talking for 20 minutes, they had made plans to go eat lunch that same day. They all went to UCLA for college except Michelle. The Rodriguez family had gone to pick up their college friends up, Anthony and Julie. They decided to go to in and out and were catching up on how their lives were going so far. They talked about what they did at the end of school and they asked how was five year old Richard was doing. Julio asked Anthony "why did he not continue to play football?"

"Because he was really good and he could have went pro."

Anthony said "when him and Julie met they instantly fell in love with each other and they wanted to start a family".

Now Julie is two months pregnant and her and Michelle were talking about how hard it was for her and to give her advice.

Julie worked at Target as a cashier so her attire clothes was khaki pants and a red top. Anthony was a real estate agent like Julio was. Michelle was a stay at home mom because she would take care of Richard all day and sometimes it's hard for her. Julio and Anthony would have to wear fancy clothes because their real estate agents so they have to. Michelle wanted to be a lawyer and her grades were straight A's and B's. But then she came to visit her family because they live in Los Angeles and they went out to a club and that is how Michelle and Julio met each other. They were talking about how their marriage was going and what are their hobbies they like to do with their spare time.

Julio and Michelle had seen old friends from college, Anthony and Julie. They planned to go In-and-out for lunch and discussed about their current life. Anthony and Julie could not wait to give the big news to Julio and Michelle. They were both engaged and she was pregnant. Both were excited and could not wait for the day of the marriage. As they got to In-and-out, they ordered and sat outside because there were no seats inside.

"It is hot outside" said Julie.

"It is not that hot" said Michelle.

"Julio, can you get me a double double cheeseburger combo?" said Michelle

"Sure" said Julio.

"What would you like Anthony?"

"I will just get some fries and a large coke" said Anthony.

The food had been done and staff from in-and out had called the number that Julio had gotten and was on his receipt. "Number 23" the worker said. As the whole friends were laughing and talking, they came upon the food that the worker had brought them. "Mmmmm I have not eaten this in a long time!" said Julie.

"What really?! I always eat this. This is where the best burgers in town are!"

As they were halfway done with the food, Julie had been full, Anthony was still hungry and he ate the rest of her fries and burger.

"So are you still in contact with Edward Michelle?" said Anthony.

"Not really, we stopped talking after graduation."

"Oh boy was he really funny" said Julio.

"Yea, remember the time where he had gone on top of the table and danced for a whole 10 minutes!"

*Everyone laughing.

"Those were the days" said Michelle.

When they were done eating, they had left and gotten in the car.

"Sigh* I am full of all that i've eaten." said Anthony.

" Oh my god I have not eaten like this in a long time." said Julie

"It was great catching up with both of you guys" said Julio

"Hopefully we can do something another day soon" said Anthony

"yea we would like that a lot" said julie.

As they were leaving, they were admiring all the lights that were outside for decoration. From every street they would see many lights, dressed up people and many people laughing and smiling.

"This is a really nice neighborhood" said julie.

"Yea they remodeled it a while back ago" michelle said.

"They built that tall skyscraper 5 years ago"

“It looks amazing with all the colors that it had from blue to black. The drawings look nice and what was put on top of it."

"Ok were here, the last stop" Julio.

*all giggling.

" Wow I did not know you guys moved houses" said michelle.

"Yea we did a year ago. It has a nice front porch, a pool in the back, big living room and as well as 4 room"

"wow thats nice to hear. That is a pretty big house just for the both of you."

"Yea well we better go" said Julie.

"Ok you guys be careful and stay safe!" Said Michelle

"You to!"

"Bye have a goodnight!"

So it was finally time and Julio and Michelle were getting ready. There was no problem, except that they needed a babysitter, and I guess, she was running a little bit too much of late. While Julio and Michelle were getting ready, they were in a rush.

It was finally that time, but little Richard was sleeping while Juliio was waiting for his babysitter and next thing you know , the babysitter shows up in the front door knocking. When Julio opened the door, she was telling him why she was late, but Julio, just said everything was okay, so off they went. They were already on the road. The babysitter was trusted a lot. Julio and Michelle were already on the road, I guess they thought they were going to be very late to their dinner, because of a lot of traffic, but they thought wrong. While they were on the road, they saw that there was no type of traffic, it was like they had the road all to themselves. So they were barely on their one hour on the road, and they needed approximately 30 more minutes, because they do live pretty far from this fancy restaurant. They finally got there and they offered Julio to get off of his car and so they can park his car. So they went inside , they had already a reserved table with beautiful flowers around, they ordered their food and they were just talking about romance when they first met.

As they were done, they were both full of the food they had eaten. As they were driving in the car, they talked about the great time they had. It was the best anniversary dinner they ever had. As they were laughing and talking, they had gone past a green light when all of a sudden a truck had past the red light and crashed. Julio’s car was hit and turned upside down. The damage of it caused it to lit fire and soon to blow up. Many cars pulled over to try to help those in the vehicle. As one of the drivers got out to help they saw a young woman, Michelle, barely moving and helped her get out. After they got her out,the car had blown up with Julio in it. Michelle had past away because of all the blood that she had lost.

Weeks later, there had been a funeral towards Julio and Michele. Their friends, Julie and Anthony had gone and paid their respects. It all ended with nothing but sadness and the wonderful memories they all had.


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User avatar
896 Reviews


Points: 240
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Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:45 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hullo Canete,

I can tell you've put a lot of work into writing this story, it's full of details and little facts about each of the characters.

At the moment part of your problem is that you're telling us what is happening as though you're summarising a novel, rather than writing the novel itself. If you let this story happen a little more naturally, you'll probably end up writing much more of it in the end, but I think it could be a much more well rounded story.

Your characterisation is good, in that I can see there is a personality to Julio an to Michele, but I think that you do need to give us some description and imagery so we can see the characters and understand what they are like as people. Right now things are happening too quickly for me to like your characters enough that their death really shocks me, at the moment I felt the death was sad but not very awful, because I am not enamoured with your characters. The same goes with the places they are in an the people they talk to. We just need a bit more narrative and a little less telling.

I think this story has a whole heap of potential and I really hope you work on it so I can see what you do! If you do change this please let me know.

- Penguin.




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110 Reviews


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Tue Dec 22, 2015 5:09 pm
TahaT11n wrote a review...



Hey, cane! Here's a review!

The first sentence sounded troublesome. Cause of not using punctuation. Try it like this- "January 8, 2008. Julio, a 38-year-old man from Mexico, who crossed the border when he was a teenager, got papers" I think it's better not to use "and".

Well, first the title. Julio's Nightmare. I think it sounds better if only Michelle dies. Then it would be seriously his nightmare. But since he also dies, I think, the title should be something else.

Next, the plot. Really a good one. I really liked it. But as I finished the story, I felt that it was not really that necessary to really give the description of parents. The friend part also seemed a bit not so necessary. I thought that you could have emphasized more on their relation than the incidents happening to them.

Also, since you told about parents, a little background of how they met, how they got Rich, how they felt then, when they started living together- in a word, their life together- I mean, this is the real theme, right?- should have come here.

Well, this is all that I thought. But you are the writer , so you can write whatever you want. Anyways, it was a really good story. Keep it up. Hoping to review more of your works.





"Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile."
— Anne Frank