Hello and Happy Review Day!
This was a longggg read. I echo what the previous reviewer said: you should definitely split up your chapters into separate installments. Yes, it requires more points, but that’s just the way YWS works, and when people bundle multiple works together and publish them as one, it always feels a little bit cheat-y to me—plus, it’s kind of disrespectful to the reviewers, who have to try to make sense of 10(!) chapters all in one review and without a break to digest in between. So yeah, maybe think about splitting your installments up next time you publish.
As for the story itself, I’ll be honest, it's kind of a disaster. It’s all over the map and it’s unclear what the main plot is. I mean, I’m assuming it’s the medical stuff, but then you keep throwing in these odd tangents that don’t go anywhere and don’t add much (if any) flavor to the story—like Maddie’s mermaid story or her talking/RPing with her friends, two subplots that get way more time and attention than they should. Not only that, but what appears to be your main plot—Maddie’s experiences as a medical patient—are kind of anticlimactic. They don’t really go anywhere, they feel repetitive, the sudden growth spurt comes out of nowhere and is (for the most part) treated with a bizarre casualness, and all of these intense emotions she’s supposed to be feeling aren’t fleshed out or depicted with color and nuance.
The actual writing of this story was just so flat. It lacked almost any discernible personality. There was way too much tell and not enough show—in other words, you have a habit of telling your audience information about your characters and what they’re thinking/how they’re feeling, rather than illustrating those things through their actions. Also, there were so many interactions that went nowhere and added nothing to the story, as well as other things that could’ve (and should’ve) been taken out—like meaningless actions, or bland, pointless conversations, not to mention repeating information we’ve already heard before, or including information that we don’t really need to know because it isn’t important. This made for a mostly dull, often painful read. And, in 10 chapters, you’ve had ample time to settle in and find your groove—move past some early-chapter growing pains—but these issues were consistent throughout the entire piece. No chapter stood out to me as an improvement over the others—though, in fairness, that could’ve been because you bundled them together and as a result, they kinda blurred into an indistinguishable blob.
There was really no imagery to speak of. Whenever you did describe something, it was always in the most drab, expected ways—nothing colorful or creative, nothing that leapt off the page. And even though we’re repeatedly told things about Maddie, I came away from these 10 chapters still not really knowing what to make of her. There were so many times when you told us who she was or how she was feeling, but I almost never saw her actually exemplify those traits or feel those intense emotions. If Maddie’s anxious about all this stuff (and you clearly want her to be), show that! Show me how her anxiety is affecting her. Is there a tightening in her chest? Is her stomach flip-flopping? What’s going on with her, really? We get her thoughts every now and again, but it’s almost always something basic—like a sarcastic comment or some perfunctory “oh boy, this is scary and a lot to handle!” type of thing. You never dig into her psyche beyond that. Who is Maddie? I wouldn’t know, even after reading 10 chapters devoted to her.
I’m very confused by the whole Home Improvement thing. To be fair, I’ve never seen the show, so maybe that’s part of my confusion. But it seems like you were saying that the characters from that show were the people who helped/interacted with Maddie while she was at the hospital… except that the show also exists in the world of this story, and she’s aware (and they’re aware) that they are fictional characters, but also they’re not? Was the point that she was imagining them and they were helping her cope with the situation? Because I actually like that idea, but you didn’t really utilize or clarify it enough to make it impactful. It’s sorta just one of those head-scratching, open-to-interpretation, what-the-hell-did-I-just-read subplots that doesn’t really fit with the rest of the story.
And don’t even get me started on the whole growth spurt thing. That was such a nonsensical twist. The story went from realistic (at least relatively) to pure fantasy, and the change was not smooth. And it was yet another plot point that you didn’t really commit to. She’s SIX FOOT TEN and she acts so nonchalant about it! Everybody does! This is a crazy medical miracle and none of these people seem to care? I don’t get it. I also don’t get why you bothered including her quest to contact her donor when that never amounted to much. Or the stuff about her mermaid story. Or… almost any of it? I couldn’t tell you what the plot of this story was, even after reading 10 chapters. That’s a problem.
I had more complaints, but I’m honestly so annoyed that I’ll just get straight to my nitpicks/specific comments. Here ya go.
Maddie restlessly set her iPad down on the blankets.
Your first line sets the tone for at least the rest of the chapter, if not the rest of the book. Try to come up with something attention-grabbing, something that will motivate the reader to keep reading.
Add a teaspoon of fear to the recipe and you had exactly what she would be enduring sometime after someone came.
What?
(Carly smashed through the thicket, emerging into bright sunlight, a beautiful green meadow, and a wonderful waterfall pouring into a sparkling pond. … Except for one thing. There was a mermaid swimming right towards Carly. And she didn’t look too happy.)
So, you’ve put this whole section—everything Maddie is writing—in parentheses, and it doesn’t really work. I’d suggest getting rid of the parentheses and just italicizing that section instead.
emerging into bright sunlight, a beautiful green meadow, and a wonderful waterfall pouring into a sparkling pond. Off to the left was a dense, uninviting forest, and to the right was a huge canyon-ravine with a towering mountain on the opposite side.
Carly breathed in the crisp, cool, air that was ever-yet warmed with golden sunlight.
These descriptions are so boring. I mean, “bright sunlight”? “Green meadow”? “Wonderful waterfall”? Try to come up with something more clever and specific, not simplistic/clichéd.
It was the perfect place for a picnic, thought Carly, if you smashed the cliffs and the ravine down, and if you demolished the forest. But I wouldn’t do all that just for a picnic.
Characters’ thoughts should be italicized, otherwise it gets a little confusing. For a second, I thought the narration accidentally switched to first-person when I read that last sentence.
she found herself flopping about like a- fish?! She looked at her legs, which were now joined together into a- tail?!
Is the mermaid story supposed to be good or bad? If it’s supposed to be good, maybe don’t do the whole “a- fish?!” and “a- tail?!” thing. If it’s supposed to be bad, then by all means, leave those in.
replaced with a bra similar to the one Ariel wore in The Little Mermaid.
Movie titles should be italicized.
She said it like a question on purpose because she wasn’t sure if she actually wanted this mystery person to come in or not.
This line’s kinda unnecessary—I think the reader can infer why she phrased it as a question. Or you could say, “Her voice was uncertain” after the line of dialogue, and then we can guess why that might be.
Mark stepped all the way in, and closed the door behind him.
Change this to: “Mark stepped all the way in, closing the door behind him.”
Maddie didn’t mean to say it. “Being my nurse involves what?”
Why would she not mean to say that? Seems like a fair question.
Maddie suddenly realized that Mark had snuck in taking her her temperature.
You accidentally use “her” twice. Also, this sentence is kinda awkwardly-phrased.
Maddie snapped to attention at the word “dentist“.
Periods always go inside quotes.
Maddie boldly stepped away, towards the door where the girl was waiting.
“Boldly” seems like the wrong word to use, especially since you’ve been telling us Maddie is a very uncertain, anxious character, so this feels wrong for her.
Maddie had a big question. “Is there any way to know who the donor is? I want to thank whoever it is.”
Change “whoever it is” to “them.”
“I’m not nervous, Emma!” The girl sitting next to Emma retorted.
Don’t capitalize the first letter of a dialogue tag, even if the dialogue ends with a period/question mark/exclamation point. In this case, the T in “the” should be lowercase.
“I look forward to seeing whose ‘game’ I am tomorrow,” Maddie thought with an inward eye roll.
Thoughts go in italics, not quotes.
Maddie felt better after that. Especially since they arrived at the other hospital about ten seconds afterwards.
“After/afterwards” is repetitive.
Emma wasn’t far behind with her girl (Maddie wondered if she’d ever find out that girl’s name).
Does it matter?
Maddie glanced at Mark for confirmation. He nodded, giving her all the information she needed without a single word.
You don’t really need the stuff that follows “he nodded.” We can infer that.
back through a hallway to a room. To Maddie’s shocked terror, there was already a boy in the room.
“Room” is repetitive. Also, “shocked terror” sounds bad.
Maddie had to tell herself not to run from the room.
What’s Maddie’s problem? I mean, jeez, she wants to run from the room just because there’s a boy in it? I am still not understanding this issue of hers.
Mark and Emma would stop her if she got as far as the waiting room. Kelaina would stop her immediately if she didn’t run fast enough at the beginning.
Why doesn’t she just tell them she’s feeling uncomfortable? They’re not going to strap her down and force her to stay if she’s freaking out (and evidently, she is), they’d obviously try to work with her and make her comfortable.
the idea of running away didn’t make any sense at all.
Yeah, no kidding. Especially since it’s such an extreme response to encountering a boy. Does this story take place in an alternate universe where all boys have horns and cloven hooves?
“Hey, Nick,” Kelaina said. “This is Maddie.”
Wait a second. The “boy” in the room is Nick? The dentist? I’m so confused now. She was TOLD IN ADVANCE the dentist would be a guy named Nick. Why is she so shocked and horrified? She was warned!
Maddie sat in the chair, and for time’s sake, allowed Nick to look at her teeth.
This is an awkward sentence.
“Don’t worry- I just need Mark’s okay on it before planning anything. I also need to know when your other stuff here starts so we can schedule everything properly.”
…
Nick explained to Mark what he needed to know before scheduling anything, and Mark in turn told Nick Maddie’s schedule.
You already had the dentist explain what they’d be discussing to Maddie (and, by extent, to your readers)—don’t repeat yourself.
“So we start with the spacers tomorrow after her first IV?” Nick asked, just for clarification.
You don’t need the “just for clarification”—that’s implied.
Mark nodded. “We might be a little early or late, depending on how she handles it.”
Nick nodded this time. “That’s okay,” he said, “since I don’t have a very busy day tomorrow.”
You use “nodded” a lot. It gets tiresome.
She’d been busy wondering exactly what a blood transfusion involved.
Wasn’t this already explained to her, near the beginning of the story? Is Maddie an idiot?
“I’ll put it on your charts, so that if Emma reaches you first tomorrow, she’ll know what’s going on.”
“Thanks for thinking of me,” Emma teased. “If you had been assigned to her as a personal nurse, you would still have put it on the charts.”
“You’re a rule-follower too, Emma, so don’t try to tell me what I’d do and what I’d not do,” retorted Mark good-naturedly.
“True,” Emma acknowledged.
Oh man, I love tepid banter between two characters I don’t care about!
“You know, my second biggest fear is boy doctors, nurses, lab techs, the like?” Maddie asked her pointedly.
That’s not really a pointed question. I don’t even know if it’s a question, despite the punctuation at the end.
“I think what we need to start doing is praying about this.”
First of all, if the nurse knew Maddie was a religious person, I guess this would be an okay thing to say. But if she doesn’t know that, this is hella presumptuous. Also, it’s kind of random because she says this but then they proceed to just talk through Maddie’s fears with no prayer involved, so… why even include this line at all?
“Then if you tell yourself that it won’t hurt, maybe that would help for now.”
I’ll take “Terrible Advice” for $500, Alex.
“So it’s not exactly them, it’s just knowing that they’re a different gender and stuff that scares you?” Emma asked. “It makes sense.”
Does it make sense? I mean, it’s an irrational fear, and irrational fears are, y’know… not rational.
And you can bet I’ll be praying for you about this one too.
Emma’s sudden, unrequested religiosity is really bumming me out.
“It’s all right, Maddie,” Emma whispered as the door cracked open. A face peeked in as a voice said, “Knock, knock. May we come in?”
Separate your dialogue with paragraph breaks if it’s spoken by different characters.
Maddie personally thought that a handshake was signaling a promise on her part to trust Randy, and do her best not to move or be difficult. A high five, on the other hand, signaled that she trusted Ella, but was making no promises not to move, or be difficult.
What?
But not everyone thought that way, obviously. It was just Maddie.
File this one under “Obvious & Unnecessary Sentences.”
Maddie once again contemplated bolting for it
This girl’s got issues.
Maddie crossed her fingers underneath the blanket, where nobody would be able to see.
Why? For good luck? I don’t get the significance.
Ella reached up into one of the cupboards, and began taking out various necessities for doing what Maddie considered torture, while Randy picked up an IV bag off the cart they had brought with them and hung it on the IV pole beside Maddie’s bed.
This sentence is long and clunky.
Maddie shrugged. “For something to do with needles, anyway,” she said.
You don’t really need the dialogue tag here. We know who’s speaking.
Ella giggled softly, and put on a pair of gloves.
That comma’s not working. Maybe try, “Ella giggled softly as she put on a pair of gloves.” Or, “Ella giggled softly, then put on a pair of gloves.”
Maddie let out a short howl of surprise before her violent emotions seized her and she began to cry. Not because it hurt so much but because she hadn’t been expecting it, she hadn’t been expecting two needles in one day, and she was so very, very scared of Randy.
Man, I really don’t like any part of this. For one thing, her reaction is SO extra. For another, it’s not like they snuck into her room and pricked her—they’d given her plenty of warning and discussed what to expect. And, for another: “very, very scared of Randy”? WHAT IS THIS GIRL’S DEAL? If she has previously experienced trauma at the hands of a man, I could completely understand why she’d be anxious and uncomfortable in the presence of guys. But the thing is, you haven’t established that (or even hinted at it) and so I’m really confused about why she’s so terrified.
“I’m just scared to the death of needles.”
The phrase is “scared to death”—strike the article.
Maddie’s logic skills were beginning to kick in by now and she was able to think rationally about what Ella had just said.
Another long, clunky sentence.
Maddie nodded; waved her free hand in farewell-till-IV-is-done-ness.
Improper semicolon.
Maddie set her iPad down and sighed wearily. Her creative juices just weren’t flowing right then.
Yeah, I could tell.
Maddie, being an emotional yet logical girl
Is she logical? I’ve seen very little evidence of that.
What if I keep fighting? she asked herself. What if I keep moving my arm away? Where will that get me? What will it get me? It’ll get me even more emotional and afraid, and it’ll get me portrayed as a baby. So, should I let Randy take the IV out! If I do, that’s basically saying that I won’t be any more trouble. You know what, I’ll think about that later.
This is boring and unnecessary. All you need to say is, “It’s gotta come out sooner or later, so I might as well let him do it, Maddie thought.” Something like that gets the point across much more efficiently.
Maddie, having finished her private conversation, made the very hard decision to keep her arm still.
“Very hard decision” lol. I still can’t figure out if Maddie’s crazy or just dumb.
Maddie seized the opportunity to read Abby’s newest character profile.
Name: Sabrina
Species: catgirl
Fur color: white with black ear tips, paws, tail tip
Hair color: black
Hair length: bobbed around ears
Eye color: green
Personality:
• Loves a good argument
• Usually has a smart comment
• Self-confident
• Believes that she will become a great warrior
Hobbies:
• Fighting matches
• Hardcore fight training
Favorite saying:
“I never lose a battle, even if I’m dying.”
Why include this? What even is this story anymore? Is it about Maddie’s medical issues or Maddie roleplaying with her friends or that mermaid story Maddie’s writing? You’ve lost the thread.
Maddie had just enough time to share her honest opinion with Abby
Well, thank God for that! This random, low-stakes subplot is definitely the one I’m most invested in!
much the way Randy had earlier.
Unnecessary.
by the door unde the clock
I think you meant “under.”
She didn’t know. “I guess; not that I know anything about orthodontics,” she said.
You’ve already stated she didn’t know, so having her say the same thing is repetitive. Also, improper semicolon.
Maddie discovered that the whole server was talking about that character.
Abby: it’s the best character I’ve ever seen... never knew Maddie was so talented.
Kali: well, she is pretty creative, and creativity comes in handy when role-playing.
Cody: SEAmonster isn’t even that good.
Maddie laughed. SEAmonster, one of Cody’s creations, was a great character, one of Maddie’s favorites. SEAmonster should have gotten the vote for Best Character.
God, this is so boring. And, again: WHY is it included? I get that you might want the reader to get more of a sense of Maddie’s personality and interests, but this is just such an unnatural way to do it, and it fails to connect with the main storyline.
checking Maddie’s temperature, pulse, heart rate, etc.
Don’t put “etc” in your writing. But if you absolutely must, put “et cetera" instead, which at least looks a little more professional.
Emma smiled. “Wanting to thank them?”
Maddie started. “How’d you know?”
Emma laughed. “Lots of people ask me that.”
It sounds really repetitive to start off three sentences in the exact same way, especially when they’re this close together.
Maddie hoped Emma could.
That’s implied. Trust your audience—you don’t need to spoon-feed them information.
If you only knew the whole of it, Maddie though sarcastically.
I think you meant “thought.”
Mark waved as he walked out, leaving Maddie alone with Randy and Reid, and ultimately, her second biggest fear, x2.
Long, awkward sentence, and that “x2” at the end looks bad.
Also, I won’t quote the whole thing, but the exchange between Maddie and her friends about her height goes on wayyyy too long. Cut it down, preferably quite a lot. (For that matter: pretty much all the exchanges between Maddie and her friends are overly long, boring, and mostly pointless.)
Maddie set down the phone and once again pondered whether she was actually taller or not. Knowing how tall she was right now would help with this mystery- wait! That was it! She could probably figure out whether she was growing because of her blood transfusion, and then she could eliminate any Trent Williamses who weren’t especially tall!
This whole paragraph is so ridiculous. Again: WHAT EVEN IS THIS STORY? One minute it’s about some girl’s irrational fear of male doctors, now it’s a mystery about sudden tallness and tracking down a giant named Trent? Did you know what this story would be when you started writing it or did you just figure it out as you went along?
Maddie was more determined now that ever to find this Trent Williams and meet him- and find out if he really was tall.
What? I just… I don’t get this story. She's grown several inches and her first thought, instead of “what the hell,” is “I need to find Trent to see if he’s tall”? I’m four chapters in and I’m no closer to figuring out if Maddie’s crazy or dumb…
Maddie let them do what they needed to, then picked up the iPad again. But half a second later, she set it back down again, and picked up the phone.
Why include such useless information?
to tell Randy and Reid to be extra nice, gentle, etc. to you
Return of the “etc.” Damn, I was hoping there’d be no more of those…
“Did you magically grow overnight?” he asked, puzzled?
Strike the question mark after “puzzled.”
Six foot ten
…
Ella giggled, breaking her silence. “Well, you’ll get used to it,” she reassured Maddie.
There is no way they’d be acting this chill about Maddie growing to SIX FOOT TEN, which is an insane height that could negatively affect her life. This whole twist is so dumb and such a left-field move, I don’t even know what to say about it other than I hate it and I don’t think you handled it well.
Maddie, instead of grabbing her phone or iPad like usual, leaned back and sighed, long and deep. She was tired of being in the hospital, tired of being cooped up in bed all the time, tired of being stabbed with needles every day. Maddie wanted to go home, to church, to school- she wanted to live.
She’s tired of all that petty stuff, but not the fact that she’s morphing into a giant?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?
Cody: Sorry, I can’t right now, my mom’s telling me to do my homework.
Kali: Sure! I’d love that! And Cody, that math is easy. Don’t worry about it- and that’s actually all the homework we have. It’s supposed to be spring break, after all.
Cody: I still can’t voice chat. Mom’s really laying down the law here.
Kali: I know. I’m just telling you that it’s easy and you don’t have to stress over it.
Cody: Since when have you seen me stress over math?
Abby: Um, yesterday.
Cody: Abby, just go voice chat with Maddie. I, having a private argument with Kali here.
Why include this?
Something wasn’t right.
Maddie finally just sat up and sighed in disgust. “Why do I get the feeling something’s not right?”
Once again, you are telling the audience something via narration, then having Maddie say the exact same thing aloud. DON’T DO THIS.
“Someone’s going to come and take a blood sample, and then we’ll see if the new blood is actually what’s making you grow.”
“Doesn’t sound bad.” Maddie decided to tell Emma how she’d woken up. “You know, I woke up this morning with the feeling that something wasn’t right.”
Emma patted Maddie’s shoulder. “It’ll be fine- and you’ll know for sure what’s making you grow.”
You just keep repeating yourself. We already know that Maddie woke up feeling like something wasn’t right—you’ve said that twice by this point. And we also already know that Emma’s gonna take a blood sample to get to the bottom of things, so why repeat that too?
I won’t be doing any more nitpicks/specific comments because it’s already so much, so I’ll skip now to my final thoughts.
This story was, to put it mildly, a mess. I have no idea what I just read. Was it a story about a girl in the hospital? Was it a story about a girl overcoming her fear of needles and men? Was it a story about a girl writing a mermaid story? Was it a story of a girl who likes to RP and chat with her friends? Was it Home Improvement fanfiction? Was it the story of an impossible medical accident wherein some poor girl gets transformed into a giant after a blood transfusion goes wrong? WHAT WAS THIS STORY? The fact that I don’t know is a bad sign. The fact that I was bored the entire time (despite the inclusion of so many crazy twists and half-baked subplots) is also bad.
I’m not saying you can’t improve it, but it will take work. Figure out the story you really want to tell, then commit to it. Don’t include a bunch of random sideplots that go nowhere. Also: learn to trust your reader. Show more, tell less. Use vivid imagery, not perfunctory, bland descriptions. Go deep into your characters’ minds and allow yourself (and your reader) to truly experience what they’re feeling. If you do those things, you could salvage this story and turn it into something tighter, more focused, and a lot more fun to read. It will take work, but rest assured, it’s not impossible.
Keep writing.
Points: 17243
Reviews: 328
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