Hey there camusic. I was going through my WRFF thread and found that there were three requests that I never finished. Yours is the oldest and I'm sorry that I didn't get the feedback to you sooner. It looks like you already have enough commentary on the grammar issues within this story, so I'll try to focus more on the big details or just small sections that are bothersome.
Let's do this.
There's a lot to look at here just with the title. I always like to look at the title when I'm going through a literary work because I know that you must have chosen it for a reason. "first kill" reminds the reader that it's going to be violent in some way but it doesn't give a lot of detail into how this event is going to take place. Or the context of what the character is being put up to.
“Seltas, calm down,” Edgar comanded. She stared into the arena more of a glorified pit with a stone wall around the edge. A pit about 15 men wide. A pit where two would enter and only one would return. A pit which she was afraid of. A pit Edgar was planning on putting her in.
The first set of lines should be really impactful to the reader but the only impact I'm feeling is issues with descriptions of the pit in question. I know that the main character is about to face this massive challenge and doesn't want to go through with what's happening. That is easy to see but the writing itself is not very clear, pushing the reader back while they're trying to make it through this introduction. The repetition here could have been very useful. Instead, it turned against you and left an empty hole for the idea we want to work through.
Some good things is that two of the main characters are identified and there are these hints at a setting. And we get the dangerous feelings that are coursing through the main character (assuming Seltas) as the plot begins.
“I can’t,” she whispered, regretting saying anything after one look from Edgar.
“You’re ready,” he paused. “Use your small size to an advantage,” he advised then dropped her into the pit. Robin started to run towards her realizing what was happening. Edgar stopped him. “You had your fight it’s time for her’s,” He said holding Robin back. Just as harsh and hard as always.
“She’s only eight!” he yelled. “I’m ten!” He tried to push past Edgar but it was pointless to even try to. “I’ll take her place!” He shouted. I’ll take her place! She attempted to sort her thoughts. I’ll take her place! You’re ready. Edgar’s words rang in her head. You’re ready.
“She’s ready,” Edgar’s voice said cutting through the crowd.
This dialogue is a bit awkward for a couple of reasons, mainly from the way it's formatted and the dialogue tags that you chose. And the information that the characters are swapping back and forth doesn't seem to add to the reader's understanding of the plot. We find out a bit more about the main character but then we're introduced to another character with similar motives. I'm not sure what the point of having to go down into this fight and kill someone is, but I now know that the fighters are already duking it out over who gets to go down there. This brings a darker side to the story but the information could have been conveyed with more detail and clarity.
A big thing that I keep noticing as I skim through the plot is that you have these walls of texts and within the walls, the phrasing is very repetitive. For an example, I want you to take a careful look at the very last paragraph, where almost every sentence starts the same way.
“Robin I-” she gulped forcing herself not to cry. Instead of replying he just hugged her, like she had hugged him after he had won in a previous fight. She closed her eyes against the overbarring crowd. When she dared opened her eyes again she saw Edgar, a smile was on his face. She was shocked Edgar never smiled. Edgar had always frowned harshly telling her everything she had done wrong. Edgar was smiling at her! She questioned whether she had really won the fight. She opened her mouth to speak but had nothing to say. Edgar opened his mouth. Two words that would affect her for the rest of her life were about to come out of that mouth. Those words would change how she heard Edgars criticizing. Words that would make her proud. Words that would make her feel almost whole. Words that she would treasure and remember for the rest of her life. Words that would change how she saw herself. Not as a broken child, but as a warrior.
Now somewhere in all of that, you should be able to break this apart. I have skimmed through this portion three times and I still haven't been able to successfully focus on what you wanted me to know. The repetition of "words" and describing what the character is thinking of them is one way to get to Edgar's dialogue. But it's not really the healthiest way to get there.
I really don't approve of the wording use but if you want to keep it, you need to mix up the order so that her reaction to Edgar's praise, actually comes after Edgar's praise. That's what majorly set me off from the set up of this passage. You like to describe the action before it happens and what it will mean for the plot, but the reader still doesn't know what the action is. This might work once or twice within the story but consistent use just dulls the effect that you are looking for.
And there's also the matter of the fight scene itself. It was rather distracting and we dealt more with the main character making casual movements, than a focus on the task at hand. This seems to be rather off to me where she is so distracted by this debt that she wants to repay, that she's not really concentrating on the target of the vengeance. It might also be that you need more detail in the middle because this is supposed to be about her first fight to the death, and there was an early mention of all the strategy that went into it.
There is a lot going on here, so that does mean there is a lot to work with. I think you just need to break down all of the details that you decided to include and then prioritize their importance to you. And also most of these sentences need to be compacted and clarified in some manner.
Good luck.
PM me with any questions.
- Lizz
<----- here's where my belief currently is
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