Published May 26, 2010
"Who is she?" Alec asked again.
"Forever."
"That's what I thought you said. What kinda name's that?"
"How am I supposed to know?", the young boy looked at him angrily.
"Fine, get out of here!" Alec said with a wave of his hand as the boy hoped away from the hand that was possibly meant for his face.
Forever. That's an odd name. I wonder where she's from? Alec's thoughts were cut short as the final bell began to ring and the hallways filled up with more kids. Alec ran to his locker and to the bus, all while trying to get away from a group of cheerleaders but with no luck.
"Hey Alec! Why the rush?" Lynn Chi, the head cheerleader, yelled at him.
"No where, bye!" Being around girls, especially cheerleaders, made him nervous.
He made it to the bus and was about to sit in his assigned seat when he realized someone was sitting in it, a girl.
"Um, hey, this is my seat." He said it a little more coldly than he meant. She looks familiar. Where have I seen her?
"She told me to sit here." The girl pointed to the driver.
"Um, Okay then," He sat down and the girl moved closer to the window as he did,"well, I'm Alec." He said offering his hand. At first, she just looked at it like it was a piece of garbage but slowly took it.
"Forever." Her voice was small and cold. So that's where I know her from! She is the new girl everyone is talking about and the one that sat across from me at lunch!
"Well Forever, it's nice to meet you." She just gave a weak smile. "Where do you live?" This is the first time I've ever tried to talk to a girl! I wonder what it is about her?
"Apple-pot Road." Again her voice was small.
"No way! I live on Peach Pie Street just down the block! In case you didn't know, all of our towns street are named after fruit because this town was built on an orchid." Alec said all of this without taking a breath and without Forever saying a single word. She is shy. Around me? No girl has ever been shy of me, I've been shy of them!
"What grade are you in?" Alec was determined to get her talking one way or another.
"I'm a Sophomore." Her voice was a little louder now.
"Really? I am a Junior. I moved here last summer with my folks so I know how it feels to be a new kid." The only reaction he got was a tiny, Excuse me, as she got up and left the bus.
Alec's eyes followed her. Why did he feel so bold around her? He looked down at where she had been sitting. A small folded up paper lay there. He picked it up and read:
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Canary word: Present
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141,610 Literary Works • 675,144 Reviews
Hello Campergirl, I thought I'd leave a quick review.
Okay I gotta say: I was expecting a more fantastical setting based on the name of your story. I think that was mainly because I got major Beauty and the Beast vibes from the title.
This was a quaint little story, but I think expanding on the characters and the plot would be a great benefit.
I wonder what makes this boy so appealing to girls. Is he very handsome, is he mysterious? I think incorporating more descriptions would help the reader connect with him more.
I think it's interesting how he flees from girls and has a hard time interacting with them, making him relatable and easy to sympathize with.
Forever's name is a big intrigue and she seems very mysterious but again, I think adding more description about her character would really help the reader connect with her more.
Also, I like your ending with the mysterious note. It warrants loads of curiosity as to what it might mean and I felt a very whimsical vibe from that.
This was all around an interesting story with both an intriguing opening and ending but expanding on the characters and plot would be a great benefit to this piece.
Thanks for sharing!
Poetry_Misfit
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is off to a pretty intriguing start right away. A rather uncommon name being tossed about in a way that makes you ask a few questions, on top of that we've also got someone trying to avoid a group of cheerleaders for some reason, which is also not something you see too often...and well this is off to quite the start here.
Okayy....so that takes the mystery away a teeny bit since it seems that is just the new girl and the whole cheerleading thing comes down to such a simple explanation...but on the other hand, it does now make this character a little bit relatable and adds some interesting personality to them, so this is shaping up nicely. The dialogue here sounds a teeny bit off and not as natural as it should, but it is decent, it just warrants a bit of a second look.
Alright, it seems the places in this world are in general named in some not so conventional ways. I don't know if that is meant to add some sort of humorous touch to the world somehow or if there is more meaning behind those names than is immediately obvious. At any rate, its an interesting note (no pun intended) that we end on...and well, I think it surprisingly enough, manages to work quite well with what we have here. I enjoy this opening quite a bit and I think it could make for a pretty solid opening with a little bit of cleanup in those few places such as the dialogue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey hi!
There was some interesting character interaction here, but I'm not sure if what I got from it is exactly what you are going for. Forever seems actually really nervous around Alec, who seems socially awkward. Why exactly was he so interested in her in the beginning? Was he actually going to hit that kid? And why, if he was so interested in finding out her name and stuff about her, did he pretty much forget what she looked like and only finds her "familiar" when he runs into her on the bus. You would think he would remember her a bit more, considering he'd just seen her a few hours before at lunch.
Are you going to add on to this? It seems like just a few moments in time out of a story, rather than a contained story in and of itself. Why is Alec comfortable talking to Forever when he's supposedly nervous talking to other girls? What was the meaning of the writing on the piece of paper? So many questions!
It wasn't so bad because of how short the piece was, but the paragraphs need to be separated a bit more. As is, they're mostly clumped together in big blocks of text which is really hard on the reader.
This seems like it could be an interesting story, but it's so short that we don't really have a chance to get into the characters and their lives. I want to see more interaction, more explanation, more development! More!
It read like the kind of slap-dash approach you get from manga about schools. Also the line at the end where he explains why all the streets have the strawberry short cake names was a kind of nerdy Michael Cera moment, you know, where the character passes on some information with some significance yet none at all. I mean sure the character was new to the town but that kind of speach mindset doesnt match someone in high school, unless that person is themselves a kind of spastic knowledge dispensary.
which brings me to my main concern, characterization. There's a boy, and a cheerleader that pops in for a moment, and we know she's a girl, and finally there's forever.
Thats it.
Forever is new and she's 'different'.
THAT is it.
I'm not saying this is a bad story or that you should stop, just that if you do expand on this, please, please please, EXPAND on this, let us know more, give us more life than a pop up book.
Anyways, if you add to this, let me know.