The bone white and speckled gulls bend, snap and twirl like majorette dancers. The flying four pointed stars, wing and feet, head, wing again, fall out of the anonymous line and spread.
A green wave crests into white, the trough scraping the rawhide sand. The swimming four pointed star, the head ducks, the arms swing wide-out in a circle, the fingertips scraping the sucking water up into froth. The points converge and enter, turning with the wave and sweep.
Then exit, uncoordinate, into the frothing and spitting afterbirth surf.
She keeps sea glass in her purse, dusts the sand off her dress. It is white like her soul. We stand in rhythm, anew, born again like birds on the cusp of the rising sun.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,838 Reviews
hmm. i honestly disagree with the other couple of reviews. well, i agree with their main message, but i'm writing this review to elaborate more.
i do see that you have a lot of imagery going on, a lot of complex descriptors. that's a good foundation! i don't think there is no theme, but it's definitely hidden within the many motifs here. from what i see, you have this knack for capturing the ferocity of nature in a way that feels both huge and intimate. your imagery is rich and sensory, but i find myself getting lost in what it's supposed to represent.
it gets to a point where you have to ask yourself a few questions. what is the central emotional or thematic thread? i could see it being rebirth, or the connection between the narrator and the woman, or even the interplay between nature and humanity. if the descriptions serve that idea, they’ll feel purposeful rather than overwhelming. this feels very thematically underwhelming if i'm being honest.
this section, for example. i would've picked out a specific quote from it, but it's hard to tell when each line ends and a new one begins.
a lot of your imagery recontextualizes elements of nature as something primal and alive. it's striking, almost jarring. the imagery surrounding it is vivid, truly, but some phrases overlap to the point the meaning is lost. the four-pointed star, the descriptions of the surf, etc. there are ways to solidify the connection without overloading the reader with these sensory images.
something i want to know is what the narrator is doing while observing the waves and birds, or how this scene reflects on the physical relationship between the two. it has to mean something! i understand that this is meant to thrive on metaphorical language, but sometimes it's best to ground it in something literal. even just a few lines could help you form a tighter connection to the narrative.
ambiguous, yes, but i actually like this ending! that ambiguity is compelling and could be explored further if you wanted. the shift to the human element is understated, but i think it adds a reflective tone. it does speak well to loving someone.
however, if "she" and her actions are central to the narrative, why do they only begin to show up in the last stanza? it’s unclear how she relates to the earlier imagery of the gulls and waves. she arrives late in the scene, and it makes me wonder about the significance of the sea glass and the white dress. anchoring the narrative isn't always easy, but in this situation, i think it's worth the time!
i do love this poem! i think it's very beautiful in what it says, but it's just a matter of what it doesn't say. i am looking forward to reading more from you!
best,
dissonance
Hiii!
So, I'm a tad confused on what this is about. I'm assuming it's a poem, and I read it, and it's lovely. I mean, talking about birds and their nature and then comparing them to our rhythm. It's something I haven't read before NOR thought of and I'm a poet myself! It's creative and smart! Kudos to you!
Other than the fact that it started off rough and hard to understand, I shifted to try and find the meaning, and I didn't, because I thought of three different ones. And it made me say, "Wow.. I can't do that." Because I can't. It's hard to just get even one meaning across in a poem, because it feels like we're talking in tongues and riddles. And that's okay. You know you're succeeding as a writer when no one understands what you're doing.
Another thing this did was made me wonder who "She" is. Now, it could just be anybody, but it made me wonder what more of the story was, and that's spectacular. I love this, so much.
~Taost
Hai :3
Oh my gosh, this poem is breathtaking!! It’s so vivid and textured, like you can almost hear the waves crashing and feel the grit of the sand on your skin. The whole vibe is so fluid and graceful, with this undercurrent of renewal and quiet reverence. I love how you’ve drawn the imagery of the gulls and waves together ~~ Like, it’s like they’re both part of the same dance, mirroring each other in this beautifully chaotic way!! That's so lovely, and it reflects well on how real-life is!!
The first stanza is really gorgeous, but this spoke to me. The gulls as these dancers immediately sets this sense of elegance, but it’s also a little playful. Referring to them as "four pointed stars" is such a unique and striking image!! It makes the gulls feel celestial and fleeting, like these tiny messengers of nature. It captures this perfect moment of breaking free and becoming something individual. That is a great idea to play with, and I love how it's shown through movement.
Wow!! This is beautiful !!!!
It’s raw and almost violent in its honesty. The word “afterbirth” is such a bold choice ~~ Like, it gives the ocean this visceral, almost primal quality. It's as if it’s alive, and it's constantly birthing and rebirthing itself. The contrast between the chaotic exit and the earlier grace of the gulls and waves adds so much depth too!! The idea of rebirth is symbolic in a lot of ways, but I like how it almost personifies these birds. They are everything to the poem; basically, they are the poem.
Though, I want to know more about that renewal!! You throw around this idea of rebirth, but the “why” behind it is vague. Why are we (the narrator / "she") standing in rhythm and anew? Are the waves and gulls a metaphor for something personal, like a relationship or transformation? It's good to leave some things for the reader to figure out, but this feels major for the narrative!!
This ending is just perfect!! It shifts from the wild, untamed nature of the ocean and gulls to something quiet and intimate. Love is the most calming thing to some. The sea glass feels like a symbol of memory or preservation, keeping something small and beautiful from a larger memory. Everyone does that!! The color white is great too, since it's pure. It’s like a fresh start, full of potential. I imagine there are so many layers though, and I'm just scratching the surface!!
Maybe you can expand on the “she” in the final stanza a little more. Like, her presence feels quiet and understated. I don't understand her role!! Is she part of the rebirth, or is she observing it from a distance? Is she even aware of what's happening? I don't know any of that from what's here!!
I loved this though!! The way you’ve woven movement, texture, and emotion together is honestly magical. It's so alive to me!! Amazing work!! ^_^
- Payton
ok so i like this but it truly lacks a general theme like it has a feeling but lacks description a way to fix that is kind of like grounding your work or acting like everyone else is really stupid so you kinda have to meke it more understandable, the usage of words is great but feels limited you can do so much more with this. spitting could be spewing etc,, I love poetry and I enjoyed this so dont worry its gonna get better lol
The is really nicely written! It's very descriptive helping the readers paint a vivid picture of where the story is taking place and what's going on. My favorite lines were: "She keeps sea glass in her purse, dusts the sand off her dress. It is white like her soul. " It really made me feel like I was on the beach witnessing such a moment before me. You're a great writer keep it up!
The is really nicely written! It's very descriptive helping the readers paint a vivid picture of where the story is taking place and what's going on. My favorite lines were: "She keeps sea glass in her purse, dusts the sand off her dress. It is white like her soul. " It really made me feel like I was on the beach witnessing such a moment before me. You're a great writer keep it up!