The Photo

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This was a pretty scary little short that you've managed to produce here. Its a pretty neat idea and it definitely seems plausible enough to be real which is what really adds to the scare factor. I think you've done a pretty good job bringing the story out but the formatting could use a bit of work here rather than just being one big paragraph.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A man buys a brand new, just finished house. Next to the house is a four-way intersection. The right side of the intersection is covered with trees to the point of which you can't see oncoming cars. The next day, Monday, the man starts to drive to work but stops at the intersection to pick up a picture in the middle of the road. It was a picture of a girl with blond hair holding up a peace sign. The man turns over the picture and it has his address on the back. "No big deal" he says to himself, "It's probably the person who lived in the house before me." and he continued on to work. At work he searches on the internet for previous owners but finds nothing. When he gets home he gets in bed he hears a noise. He gets out of bed, looks around, and gets back into bed. The next day, Tuesday, was a normal day, when he gets home he gets in bed and hears a girl's voice. Once again he gets out of bed, looks around, and goes back to bed. Wednesday, he went to work, but when he gets home and gets into bed, he rolls over and sees the girl from the picture in the window! He leaps out of bed, heart racing, and goes outside and sees the girl standing in the middle of the intersection! He runs over to her and as soon as he gets to her she vanishes! Then, coming out of the right side of the intersection, a car runs him over killing him instantly, and drops the picture into the middle of the road. A few weeks after the funeral another guy buys the house. On his way to work he stopped to pick up a picture in the middle of the road. It was a picture of a girl with blond hair holding up three fingers...

Umm.... Not to be mean or anything, but I read this somewhere else on the Internet a year ago (4chan to be precise). This is a pretty famous urban legend.

Hello camdapirate!

I must say, I was not expecting the ending. That little picture girl is freaky. I'm not a fan of scary stories, but despite the rather bland and straightforward approach you took, it still had the shock-factor that I attribute to scary stories. I don't know whether to congratulate you on scaring me, or scold you. *shakes finger*

Anyway, like I said, the story was kind of boring at first, and I technically wouldn't even consider this a full-fledged story. It's seems like more of an exerpt sized thing to me. I think if you broke it up more, spaced things out paragraph-wise, it would be "fleshier". I really think you can make a longer story out of this idea. Right now you just have one big block of text that lists and tells the reader one thing after the other, but if you used more description and lengthened the story a bit it would be great.

Orginal:

When he gets home he gets in bed he hears a noise. He gets out of bed, looks around, and gets back into bed. The next day, Tuesday, was a normal day, when he gets home he gets in bed and hears a girl's voice. Once again he gets out of bed, looks around, and goes back to bed.

When he gets home he gets into bed and as he drifts to sleep he hears a noise. He gets cautiously out of bed, looks around, and after seeing nothing, returns to sleep. The next day was a normal and he forgot about the night before. When he gets home, just as he is about to fall asleep he hears a girl's voice. Once again he gets out of bed, looks around, and then when he finds nothing, goes back to bed.