I stood over the man, my feet washed in his blood, trying to understand how I just seem to have appeared out of thin air. Yet, I knew it was because of this man, who i just saw kill himself. Because of me.I pushed the thought out of my head as soon as I heard it.
I was so confused, yet I had an extreme knowledge, seeing I was just born- I knew how to read, breath, talk and walk; I knew I was 14 years of age; I knew my favorites and least favorites of everything from colors to foods. Yet, I didn't know my name or where the first 14 years of my life happened, or if I had ever lived them, for that matter.
I smashed my writs against the table with empty test tubes and tools that I believe I came from, out of frustration and anger. Then under my face, as a blurry, white sheet blinding my sight, I saw a paper. As I pulled away, it was legible and i could read it I was like and across-stick poem:
Long lasting
Attainable
N
E
Y
The N, E, and Y were washed out by the blood of the man. But I then knew my name.
Laney: a form of Lane, meaning narrow road. I suddenly knew this fact, as a feeling of a wind through my body. The wind of knowledge i learned to call it.
Suddenly, the table next to mine started to bubble and shake. I suddenly knew I wasn't the only one.
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,703 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is an intriguing start. A tiny bit over expositional there, I feel like we're getting strong vibes of the age old telling instead of showing because you seem to spelling out some parameters there that feel like they are a little bit too specific especially to be revealed this early in a story. However, it does make for an interesting opening though so perhaps if you make things ever so slightly vaguer this could be even better here.
Okay well that's a cool little detail there. Its a little bit sudden of a shift I think, but for the most part its a shift in a good direction I think. It gets you to focus a bit more on some intriguing details and deepens this little mystery created earlier. For the most part, this chapter is proceeding along rather nicely here.
Well that was quite a mysterious little cliffhanger there. I love the vibes you created there with the ending. Its a nice little blend of this person realizing a bit of a detail and us knowing something while at the same time it opens up so much more which just makes it all come together in a pretty strong end there. I think on the whole this caps off what has been a fairly solid first bit here. There's a couple of issues I mentioned above that could do with ironing out but for the most part this is really nicely done.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very intriguing start. At first, when her feet are washed in blood, I thought she had killed someone herself. But reading on, it becomes so much more interesting than that! I want to know about her creation and why the man killed himself. And the end of the chapter left me wanting more. Good job of throwing us right in the action then leaving us in suspense1
Wow, I love it but it was too short. You didn't have any mistakes
I love the ending it leaves you wondering who else is there like her:) Keep writing:) I'll be looking out for the next chapter, could you PM me when you post it?
Thanks, the first chapter is as mysterious as the prologue and it makes me want to read more, I can't wait for more
Ikafe