So many times
I've done this,
standing here all
on my own.
Please don't you
leave me, too.
I try so many times
to tell you how I feel,
and yet
you still don't understand.
I am breaking my back,
trying to stand tall
for you
and so many others.
Am I not allowed
to still be a child?
All I want is a little time to myself.
I can't keep up
this little charade.
I can't take this any longer.
How much more
responsibility
can one mere child take?
Lord, please,
I'm dying here,
all alone,
against my treacherous thoughts.
Life hasn't dealt me
a hand of cards
I thought I couldn't take,
and yet,
now I am beginning to
doubt my own feelings and control.
Please, I need someone
to take control
before I go careening off my path.
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Thanks, everyone, for all the reviews! I will agree, this is not one of my better poems. To be honest, I wrote this poem right after finishing one portion of my HSAP (high school exit exam), and I was really stressed. They also wouldn't let me grab my notebook, so this and about seven other poems were written on a brown paper towel, the kind found in school bathrooms, and written with a rather blunt #2 pencil. So, when I went to recopy this poem and the others, they were often subject to me staring hard at the paper towel, trying to figure out what the heck that letter or word was. Several of the poems got too smudged and couldn't be salvaged, and the ones that were salvaged were subject to rather iffy attempts at translating what I had written.
Hey calleigh,
I found this poem too plain and too lacking in emotion to really get anything out of it. You've got your idea and the underlying conflict, but you're not bringing it out properly and so all we've got is a sketch rather than a proper picture.
For one, you're utterly lacking in imagery, and there's no real flow to the piece that could make up for that by having us read it a certain way; your line breaks are a bit haphazard at times (I'm looking at "and yet / you still don't understand" here, as the break just seems too sudden and snaps the reader out of something that already wasn't all that captivating). There are also a couple places where the punctuation could be fiddled with, just so the reader doesn't pause or run out of breath on the sentences.
Also, you've got some minor repetition ("child" towards the end), which wouldn't be all that noticeable save for the fact that there's no obfuscating imagery in the way and so the word just pops up very clearly. The tone also comes off as a tad too whiny towards the end, so maybe try poking at that a bit?
Hope this helped.
Jag
Hello there!
Here to review. :3
So I guess this is fifty percent poem and a half prayer. Anyways, I feel like the poem's all blurry and couldn't relate much with it. I can't feel any connection between your character and to your reader. Though the piece is pretty neat, but it could've been more interesting if you've added some syllabic patterns or rhyming patterns. So, maybe stating more of the problem of your character? It's just not so clear to comprehend. And I suggest that you use good imageries and just don't say literally of the conflict. So hope I helped.
Keep writing!
Peace out,
Yuri
This was good; not spectacular perhaps, but good. The topic is fairly common, especially in poems written by teens, but every now and then someone will come along, take a really cliche subject, and breathe new life into it. That's what you could do with this poem. Spice it up a little, work in some conflicting emotions and imagery. Do that, and you'll have the potential to be spectacular.
"Control" is repetitive. I suggest finding a synonym for one of the instances.
Overall, your line breaks felt haphazardly placed to me. Rather than enhance the meaning of your poem, they make the flow jerky as most of the lines are only a couple of words long. Every time a line breaks, there is a slight, subconscious pause that is longer than the usual pause between words. Because of how your linebreaks are placed, those little pauses break up the flow.
Try reading your poem aloud and noting how it feels. If it flows smoothly, then you're fine. If not, take note of where things sounded off or where you tripped up; these are the areas that need fixing.
First of all, everything I say is just my opinion so take it lightly
I think it seems a bit like a Taylor Swift song but a dark one. This doesn't mean it's not good but that you should be careful with that. Maybe you could use more figures of speech. You still have a lot to improve (so do I hahahaha). Good luck in your journey and finally, I feel the need to say that you don't need anyone to take control for you. It's you who must feel confident and feel in control of your life.
xoxo