Mandy's mom was driving her car along that dark highway. Mandy used to be that young five-year-old toddler, who sat beside her mother and played with her teddy bear.
"Sing, mom. Sing," she squeaked.
Her mother turned to glance at her. She patted her head with her right hand and sang:
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
Her voice was like an angel's, soothing the little girl's ears as she listened to her mother.
A kid suddenly crossed the highway and it was too late for Mandy's mother to notice that. She hit the kid.
"What mommy?" Mandy asked when the car stopped.
Her mother shook her head. "Nothing, baby. Mom just feels tired."
The child looked at her mom with worry. As the car ran, Mandy looked out the window and saw a man glaring at her from a distance.
She shook like a leaf.
"Why, darling?" her mom asked.
"M-Monster.." she uttered.
Thirteen years later..
Mandy was inside her boyfriend's car. They were going home when the car stopped.
Her boyfriend went out and gave her the keys.
"Lock the windows and doors, darling. I'll call for help."
"Huh?" She held the car keys. "What happened?"
"We ran out of gas. I'm coming back, I promise."
She nodded. Mandy was worried inside the car. She looked outside through the dark tinted window and saw that they were in a dark highway.
How could her boyfriend find help? There were no houses everywhere! She rolled her eyes when she remembered her cellphone. She decided to call for help.
As she dialed a number, her cellphone ran out of battery.
"Damn," she muttered as she shoved it back to the pocket of her jeans. Her stupid boyfriend should have thought of using his cellphone to call for help than to leave her alone in the car.
She waited for him until she saw a dirty ragged man walking around the car.
Mandy didn't know what to do. He looked insane! He was bobbing his head as he walked around the car and would occasionally glance at her with his blood-shot eyes. She opened the window a little and she heard him singing.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
She quickly closed the window. He sang in a scary, cold voice.
As the man walked behind the car and he was out of her sight, Mandy looked at her wristwatch. Her heart hammered rapidly.
Mandy hoped that her boyfriend would return soon. But as the man passed by the side of the car, guess what he was holding?
Her boyfriend's bloody head!
He continued singing. Although the doors and windows were firmly closed, she was beginning to hear his voice inside the car.
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
He was out of her sight as he walked behind the car.
Oh, no- How could I ever escape this stupid car?, she thought as she looked around the car, trying to find a way how to escape.
She was panic-striken, her boyfriend was beheaded! She had to escape!
She heard the man's voice again.
Guess what he was holding this time?
The keys!
---
Your merciless mother killed my daughter.
She owed me my daughter's life- so your life should be the payment for her debt.
He placed her head beside her boyfriend's bloody head. He looked at Mandy's horrified face, her eyes were still opened-wide with shock and fear.
He smirked.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
~ Taylor!
+ Thanks a lot for the suggestion.
+ Yeah, I guess, I really need help with grammar so I appreciate your suggestion in the spoiler. :3
~ paperbackheart
+ :3 thank you for the feedback there!
+ uhm, geez, I will really work on that (putting a strong emotion in horror stories). Thank you guys!
love,
CS
Like Ilovebubbles said, it lacks emotion. Some parts of it lack realism. If my mom would have let me sat in the passenger seat when I was five, then she would have been charged with child endangerment. Put her in the backseat, that way she also won't know that her mom hit a kid. Or make her older. Something. Second, you really lack emotion. If my boyfriend's head was cut off, I'd be cussing out that person and screaming my head off at the same time, trying to drive away. She should have heard the thump of someone being ran over also. I ran over a (dead) possum and there was a thump. There would be a big one there.
I like the idea, but you really need to work on it.
Spoiler
used to be that youngwas a five-year-old toddler who sat beside her mother and played with her teddy bear. A five year old was sitting in the passenger seat? Isn't that illegal?"Sing, mom. Sing!" she squeaked.
Her mother turned to glance at her. She patted her head with her right hand and sang:
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
Her voice was like an angel's, soothing the little girl's ears as she listened to her mother.
A little girl ran out into the middle of the highway and Mandy's mother didn't notice until it was too late. She hit her.
"What mommy?" Mandy asked when the car stopped. Wouldn't Mandy notice the thump, or even see the girl because she was in the front seat?
Her mother shook her head. "Nothing, baby. Mom just feels tired." Ooh, hit and run! :p
The child looked at her mom with worry. As the car ran, Mandy looked out the window and saw a man glaring at her from a distance.
She started shaking like a leaf.
"Why are you shaking, darling?" her mom asked.
"M-Monster.." she uttered. I like this so far! I have an eerie feeling this monster will show up later... (:
Thirteen years later..
Mandy was driving in her boyfriend's car. They were going home when the car sputtered and then stopped.
Her boyfriend got out and gave her the keys.
"Lock the windows and doors, darling. I'll call for help."
"Huh?" She held the car keys. "What happened?"
"We ran out of gas. I'm coming back, I promise."
She nodded. Mandy was worried inside the car. She looked outside through the dark tinted window and saw that they were in a dark highway. I would refrain from using 'dark' twice in one sentance.
How could her boyfriend find help? There weren't any
nohouses anywhere! She rolled her eyes when she remembered her cellphone. She flipped it open to call for help.As she dialed a number, her cellphone ran out of battery. Duh duh duh!!!!!!!!! (:
"Damn," she muttered as she shoved it back to the pocket of her jeans. Her stupid boyfriend should have thought of using his cellphone to call for help than to leave her alone in the car. His mistake. Mistakes like this usually don't go unnoticed... what's going to happen?
She waited for him until she saw a dirty ragged man walking around the car.
Mandy didn't know what to do. He looked insane! He was bobbing his head as he walked around the car and would occasionally glance at her with his blood-shot eyes. She opened the window a little and she heard him singing.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
She quickly closed the window. He sang in a scary, cold voice.
As the man walked behind the car and he was out of her sight, Mandy looked at her wristwatch. Her heart hammered rapidly.
Mandy hoped that her boyfriend would return soon. But as the man passed by the side of the car, she saw in horror what he was holding in his hand.
Her boyfriend's bloody head!
He continued singing. Although the doors and windows were firmly closed, she was beginning to hear his voice inside the car. Describe more of what she's feeling here. I mean, OH MY GOD HE'S HOLDING HER BOYFRIEND'S FREAKING BLOODY HEAD IN HIS HAND AND CIRCLING HER CAR LIKE A LION CIRCLING PREY OH MY GOD. HE KILLED HER BOYFRIEND, WHAT IF SHE'S NEXT! AND HE'S SINGING TO HER! A REALLY CREEPY SONG! You know what I mean? (:
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star..
How I wonder what you are..
He was out of her sight as he walked behind the car.
Oh my god, she thought. I need to get out of here! But how can I escape?
She was panic-striken, her boyfriend was beheaded! She had to escape! She should be in major freakout mode right now. Not just "her boyfriend was beheaded!" ! I mean, give her some emotion!
She heard the man's voice again, singing that song in his terrible cold voice.
She frantically felt around for the keys, thinking she could escape, but as she looked back outside in horror, she saw that they were in the man's hands.
---
His voice floated through the car and into her ear.
"Your merciless mother killed my daughter.
She owed me my daughter's life- so your life should be the payment for her debt."
---
He placed her head beside her boyfriend's
bloody head. He looked at Mandy's horrified face; her eyes were still open with shock and fear.He smirked.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
How I wonder what you are...
Suggestions in the spoiler. (:
Your story is creepy. I think I might just stay away from highways for a while! xD
Things to work on in your writing:
1) Read your work out loud. If any sentance feels wrong, sticks out from the others, or doesn't make sense, reword it or take it out.
2) While I loved your story, it was devoid of emotion. It has potential to be a very scary story, if you write it in such a way that the reader is in the place of the girl. There's a steriotype that scary stories are easy to write. They are not at all. You have to manipulate the reader's emotions for the story to be successful. Your language has to be powerful. So try to work on putting yourself in the girl's place and encorporating more feeling into your story.
It was overall enjoyable. (:
~Taylor