PROLOGUE
My feet sank into the ground. As the earth shook, the ground kept on eating me. I could feel my feet, being burned by the fires of hell underneath the ground.
I extended my arms and held tight to that tall grass. I wanted to scream, scream out his name, but hell, Jeremias wouldn't help me. I knew it.
I should have read his mind. I should have trusted my instincts than my emotions. I was such a fool.
Shit, half of my body was buried by the ground and the burning sensation reached my hips. I kicked my feet but I could feel that I was hitting nothing down there.
Oh, now tears were streaming down to my face. I was weeping as I held that grass tighter. I kept on praying, wishing and hoping.
God, save me.
I saw a pair of feet close to my face. I looked up and look what answered my prayers.
It was Jeremias, looking down at me with red fiery eyes. He looked so merciless and I knew that I was gonna be doomed forever. I tried to read his mind, but I couldn't.
Did I have to remind myself that I could only read people's minds? And Jeremias wasn't a person but a demon? Did I have to remind myself that it was impossible for him to turn his back from his fellow demons and choose me?
I gulped and bowed my head. I was sure that I would die. When? Now. When? Right after he watched me being dragged to hell. Now my chest was buried by the ground and I couldn't hold on to the tall grass. My fingers started to shake and slip gently.
Before I die, I knew that I have to say something. I should tell him the words that I longed to tell him long, long ago..
I couldn't stop to sob and I was choking as I spoke, "I love you..."
CHAPTER ONE
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
The shadow knows.
Alec Baldwin walked down that dark street and wore his black hat and coat. He covered his mouth with that red cloth and turned to give a mystifying stare. Pause. Orchestral creepy music. Fade out.
I smiled as the movie got finished. I was watching The Shadow for a millionth time and I couldn't get enough of it. Aside from the reason that I had a huge crush on Alec, the concept interested me. It wasn't the shadow thing. It was about the scenes where Shiwan Khan had to hypnotize the people of New York City and Cranston's psychic power to read minds.
That was it. It was all about the mind powers in that movie that kept me so interested. Morever, I loved the lines, "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The shadow knows."
I grabbed my pillow and tucked it under my arm before I stood up from my bed and went to the VHS player. I inserted back the VHS and played it again. How I really loved watching this film during Fridays when the night was calm and cold. No one would even care if I woke up late tomorrow., it would be Saturday anyway. I was about to jump back to my bed when the telephone rang. Geez, I was glad because I had my own telephone line in my room. I quickly walked near the night table and picked up the phone.
"Hello?" I said.
"Still awake, huh?" It was Cindi. I rolled my eyes and sat at the side of my bed.
"Geez, Cindi, you're calling me for a gossip again, huh?"
She giggled. "Nah, I called to give you some info."
"Whoa," I said lifelessly. Cindi was a chatterbox-slash-gossip queen. I wouldn't believe that she would be talking about infos in the middle of the night. I knew what she was up to.
"Come on, Julien, I mean it," she said seriously. I managed to read her mind. She was drop-dead serious. I didn't want to spoil the suspense that I felt about what this serious info was. I stopped reading her mind and sighed.
"Julien? Are you still there?"
I coughed. "Yeah, yeah. What is it?"
"A new guy came to our school."
I forgot to mention, I was absent for two days. I had a fever but now, I already recovered from my illness.
"Is that all?" I raised an eyebrow. So what if there was a new guy at school? I didn't care about boys or who's who in our campus.
She sighed. "He's so good at Physics and Maths, Julien. I think you two will have a competition."
I hate competitions. I was the class' top 1 for years. Yeah, since my first year in high school and I won't let anyone take my place. Never.
"He's good and I am very good," I replied proudly, "I'll be back on Monday and I'll show you that I can beat him."
"I doubt that, Julien, I've never seen Mr. Miles so impressed in his whole life."
Mr. Miles was our Math teacher and I hate him. I rolled my eyes again. "As you can see, I was watching The Shadow.."
"Again?" she interrupted.
I sighed. "If that's all what you wanted to say, bye.."
"Wait! Wait, Julien!" she gasped when she mentioned my name.
I paused and listened to her breathing. I couldn't resist my bestfriend, although her talkative mouth annoyed me sometimes. "What?"
"We've got assignments about movie reviews, well, it's gonna be sort of a debate, you know. You gotta defend your side and prove that your favorite film was the best among our classmates' picks."
I nodded. "Geez, just a slice of cake, my friend. So easy."
"I already made my review about a latest vampire film."
"Well, you know what the new guy, you're bragging about, chose?"
"What film did Jeremias chose?"
So his name was Jeremias. Very biblical, huh. "Yeah," I replied.
"I don't know, he's always quiet and secretive."
I scoffed. "What a coward."
"How about you? What movie are you going to present to the class on Monday?"
I smiled. "My all-time favorite, The Shadow."
Monday.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows.
As I read the last part of my report, everybody clapped their hands. I simply smiled and turned to look at Ms. Salves, sitting by the teacher's table. She smiled back at me.
"Who else would want to read their movie review?"
He stood up. Hell, I guess he was Jeremias Faddele. I forgot that Cindi told me about him last Friday. Dammit, he looked so handsome. How would I never know that he was Jeremias? He was the only strange face in this class!
Ms. Salves smiled as she saw him walking near. "You may take your seat, Ms. Marcowiz," she told me before she told everyone, "Now, let's give a round of applause for Jeremias."
Everbody obeyed, except me. Why would I clap my hands for him? He wasn't even reading his movie review yet. Jeremias stood in front of the class. He had a long black hair that kissed his shoulders. His eyes were dark and sparkling (I have no idea how his eyes got those sparkly things). He looked so serious as he opened the folder and read his report.
The movie that he chose: Drag Me To Hell. I rolled my eyes. He kept babbling about the horror movie. How impressive! I shook my head and looked at my classmates. Oh man, some of the girls were beginning to drool (not really, but they might drool later!). As he narrated the story, the people looked like scaredy-cats. I rolled my eyes again. Horrors and hell didn't scare me. They were unreal.
Moreover, he spoke a lot about hell. He described how it looked like and the demons torment the sinful souls in there for eternity.
I found myself saying, "How could that make that film better than my favorite film?"
I broke everyone's concentration on Jeremias' report. Their eyes were centered on me. I looked at Jeremias. A sinister smile crept across his face. What the hell.
Ms. Salves looked displeased for my interruption. She sat straight. "Can you please stand up, Ms. Marcowiz?"
I stood up reluctantly. She spoke again. "Ask your question to Jeremias."
Okay. I looked at him and that sinister smile was still glued on his face. I felt the hair on my nape stood on its ends.
"What is it?" he spoke. I gulped and replied, "How could that make that film better than my favorite film?"
He nodded his head and the looks on his face didn't change. "Because it tells about reality, yours doesn't."
"How did you say so? You've been in hell?" I crossed my arms and grinned. I enjoyed my sarcastic remark.
He extended that sinister smile on his lips. "You'll know that I'm telling the truth when you die."
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
--> Thanks for the review, Smyling and Phoenix.. That was all that I wanted when I post my literary works on any website :]
---> SMYLING, yeah, I tried to edit some bits like the way you instructed me but I dunno if I'll keep on writing paranormal since I just tried it and I guess I have no potential w/ it, haha! :O and Love Suite's my baby (my very first serious novel..) and so, when I lose my writer's block, I'll continue writing it, I promise. :]
---> Phoenix, a little sarcastic eh? *peace* anyway, I am thankful for the review you made about "Mind Reader" and for sharing facts about writing novels. :] Is it okay if you can look at my "Love Suite" novel and pick out the errors there? I'd be glad to! ( Love Suite's my major project, haha!)
-----> okay, I'll edit this one and we'll see what happens next.
Thanks to Skins for changing the title from all caps to ordinary looking ones. *LOL*
#FF4000 ">Phoenix lands for a review
I see what you are doing here, but I don't think you should hit the reader over the head with the fact that this is a movie. Instead of the actors name, put the characters name. Cut out the onscreen direction such as "pause" "Orchestral creepy music" which sounds silly by the way.
Two things.
I'm not sure if you should have such a specific example of a movie. If a person has not seen it they will not understand what your character is talking about. It's okay to show a characters interests, but you don't want to exclude a audience with information that only a person that has seen this movie would know. The section about it is too long as it goes on to quote lines and, it is just too much. Keep the reference, but condense it and make it more clear.
You repeat this. Have your character not that it is Cindi or call her by name.
"
I assumed that from the above conversation. Cut.
.
A little too conversational. It is fine to have a point of view that talks to the reader, but if you do it, it must be in the whole story. This kind of comes out of thin air.
This does not seem like something a person would say. When it comes to conversation you must say it out loud. If it sounds strange, and you'd never say it yourself in conversation then it needs to be changed.
The tenses are off here
I do not follow the logic
Like I said before about insider information.
You can transition better than this.
For instance a simple sentence.
"On Monday morning"
Teacher's desk.
huh?
What?
Honestly I really don't like this movie idea. It creates too much name dropping. Name dropping is when you insert media from real life into your novel. The result is either dated references that the reader can't relate to or opinion based bias in this case. Try to avoid name dropping. Above all avoid movie name dropping since they are the most transitory media.
No person in their right mind gets scared off of a second hand account of a movie. Have you ever tried explaining a movie to someone? Even if you explain corretly, it loses most of the emotional impact. Horror and romance can't be felt through a second hand account. So the idea that the class would look scared is just does not hold up.
If it's related to the movie then that would make sense. If not then the teacher would more than likely stop him. She'd stop him anyhow since relgious topics such as burning souls in hell are kind of a no no in public schools.
Odd
Writing: I think it reads easily enough, but your tense and voice changes too much.
Plot: I found it to be a bit predictable. New kid comes to school, girl hates him, and the girl will fall in love with him and so on. Try to mix it up a bit. Biggest part is the new kid angle. New kids are so overdone. I suggest having him always been a part of the school. Maybe she never noticed him. I don't know, just be a little bit more creative. As for the Prologue. There better be a good reason she says "I love you" as he watches he sink. As I see it now, she is kind of stupid, but I'll get into that in a moment.
Characters: The girl is said to be smart, but her reactions to things does not show this. In fact, by saying all those things about how smart she is; she kind of borders on being a Mary-Sue, if not a full one. As for the guy he seems like your generic bad boy type. Both are boring.
Overall: This needs some tweaking, but I liked the last line, which gives me a sense of potential.
#FF4000 ">Phoenix bursts into flames
#BF0000 ">Hello CS
I'm here to do a little review for you, since I already love your work. Well actually, this time I will do a thorough one. This way I can try and help you make this piece maybe shine a little brighter.
But I respect you wanting to reach beyond that piece. I hope my review helped you to understand where you could make room for some revisions. After you edit, let me know. I'd love to reread and tell you what I think of it!
My feet sank into the ground. As the earth shook, the ground kept on eating me. I could feel my feet, being burned by the fires of hell underneath#BF0000 "> (You should change underneath to "beneath".) the ground.
I extended my arms and held tight to that tall grass. I wanted to scream, scream out his name, but hell, Jeremias wouldn't help me. I knew it.
I should have read his mind. I should have trusted my instincts than my emotions. I was such a fool.
Shit, half of my body was buried by the ground and the burning sensation reached my hips. I kicked my feet but I could feel that I was hitting nothing down there.
Oh, now tears were streaming down to my face. I was weeping as I held that grass tighter. I kept on praying, wishing and hoping.
God, save me. #BF0000 ">(Maybe italicize this? God save me. Because it is a thought of hers.)
I saw a pair of feet close to my face. #BF0000 ">Add "When" before this) I looked up and look #BF0000 ">(Insert "saw" instead of look) what answered my prayers.
It was Jeremias, looking down at me with red #BF0000 ">(insert comma after red) fiery eyes. He looked so merciless #BF0000 ">(insert comma after merciless) and I knew that I was gonna be doomed forever. I tried to read his mind, but I couldn't.
Did I have to remind myself that I could only read people's minds? And Jeremias wasn't a person #BF0000 ">(insert dash) #BF0000 ">-but a demon? Did I have to remind myself that it was impossible for him to turn his back from his fellow demons and choose me?
I gulped and bowed my head. I was sure that I would die. When? Now.#BF0000 ">(? here, rather than period) When? #BF0000 ">(You should remove this "when" right here.) Right after he watched me being dragged to hell. #BF0000 ">(Shouldn't there be a question mark after hell too? I would insert one rather than have the period there. Sounds better.) Now my chest was buried by the ground and I couldn't hold on to the tall grass. My fingers started to shake and slip gently.
Before I die, I knew that I have to say something. I should tell him the words that I longed to tell him long, long ago..#BF0000 ">(Is this a thought here? You should italicize all thoughts so that it is clear to the reader.)
I couldn't stop to sob and I was choking as I spoke, "I love you..."
CHAPTER ONE
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
The shadow knows.
Alec Baldwin walked down that dark street and wore his black hat and coat. He covered his mouth with that red cloth and turned to give a mystifying stare. #BF0000 ">(You should add parenthesis around this bit here.)>> #BF0000 ">(Pause. Orchestral creepy music. Fade out.#BF0000 ">)
I smiled as the movie got finished. I was watching The Shadow for a millionth time and I couldn't get enough of it. Aside from the reason that I had a huge crush on Alec, the concept interested me. It wasn't the shadow thing. It was about the scenes where Shiwan Khan had to hypnotize the people of New York City#BF0000 ">(add comma here after City) and Cranston's psychic power to read minds.
That was it. It was all about the mind powers in that movie that kept me so interested. Morever, #BF0000 ">Moreover, I loved the lines, "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The shadow knows."
I grabbed my pillow and tucked it under #BF0000 ">(change to "underneath" my arm before I stood up from my bed#BF0000 ">(You should make this "before standing up from my bed") and went to the VHS player. I inserted back the VHS and played it again. How I really loved watching this film during Fridays#BF0000 ">(comma after "Fridays") when the night was calm and cold. No one would even care if I woke up late tomorrow.,#BF0000 ">(remove that period and the comma after "tomorrow" and insert a semicolon ";") it would be Saturday anyway. I was about to jump back to #BF0000 ">onto my bed when the telephone rang. Geez, I was glad #BF0000 ">(insert comma after "glad") because I had my own telephone line in my room. I quickly walked near the night table and picked up the phone.
"Hello?" I said.
"Still awake, huh?" It was Cindi. I rolled my eyes and sat at the side of my bed.
"Geez, Cindi, you're calling me for a #BF0000 ">(remove the "a" here) gossip again, huh?"
She giggled. "Nah, I called to give you some info."
"Whoa," I said lifelessly. Cindi was a chatterbox-slash-gossip queen. I wouldn't believe that she would be talking about infos #BF0000 ">info in the middle of the night. I knew what she was up to.
"Come on, Julien, I mean it," she said seriously. I managed to read her mind. She was drop-dead serious. I didn't want to spoil the suspense that I felt about what this serious info was. I stopped reading her mind and sighed.
"Julien? Are you still there?"
I coughed. "Yeah, yeah. What is it?"
"A new guy came to our school."
I forgot to mention, I was absent for two days. I had a fever #BF0000 ">(insert comma after fever and remove the one after now) but now, I #BF0000 ">(change "I" to "I've" already recovered from my illness.
"Is that all?" I raised an eyebrow. So what if there was a new guy at school? I didn't care about boys or who's who in our campus.
She sighed. "He's so good at Physics and Maths, Julien. I think you two will have a competition."
I hate competitions. I was the class' top 1 for years. Yeah, #BF0000 ">(Remove the "yeah" here) since my first year in high school#BF0000 ">(insert comma) and I won't let anyone take my place. Never.
"He's good and I am very good," I replied proudly, "I'll be back on Monday and I'll show you that I can beat him."
"I doubt that, Julien, #BF0000 ">(Change this comma after Julien to a period.) I've never seen Mr. Miles so impressed in his whole life."
Mr. Miles was our Math teacher and I hate #BF0000 ">hated him. I rolled my eyes again. "As you can see, I was watching The Shadow.."
"Again?" she interrupted.
I sighed. "If that's all what you wanted to say, bye.."
"Wait! Wait, Julien!" she gasped when she mentioned my name.
I paused and listened to her breathing. I couldn't resist my bestfriend, #BF0000 ">("best friend", it's two words).) although her talkative mouth annoyed me sometimes. "What?"
"We've got assignments about movie reviews, well, it's gonna be sort of a debate, you know. You gotta defend your side and prove that your favorite film was the best among our classmates' picks."
I nodded. "Geez, just #BF0000 ">(Remove "just". It sounds better.) a slice of cake, my friend. So easy."
"I already made my review about a #BF0000 ">(Change "a" to "the") latest vampire film."
"Well, you know what the new guy, you're bragging about, chose?"
"What film did Jeremias chose #BF0000 ">(This should be "choose")?"
So his name was Jeremias. Very biblical, huh. #BF0000 ">(Add question mark instead of a period after "huh".) "Yeah," I replied.
"I don't know, he's always quiet and secretive."
I scoffed. "What a coward." #BF0000 ">You should move "I scoffed" after she says it, not before.)
"How about you? What movie are you going to present to the class on Monday?"
I smiled. "My all-time favorite, The Shadow."
Monday. #BF0000 ">(Maybe try putting this in bold letters, or italicize it so that it stands out as a change to the readers eyes)
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows.
As I read the last part of my report, everybody #BF0000 ">(Change to "everyone") clapped their hands. I simply smiled and turned to look at Ms. Salves, sitting by the teacher's table. #BF0000 ">(Is Is. Salves the teacher? You should just put, "sitting by her table" or "at her table".) She smiled back at me.
"Who else would want #BF0000 ">(Change "want" to "like".) to read their movie review?"
He stood up. Hell, I guess he was Jeremias Faddele. I forgot that Cindi told me about him last Friday. Dammit, he looked so handsome. How would I never know that he was Jeremias? He was the only strange face in this class!
Ms. Salves smiled as she saw him walking near. "You may take your seat, Ms. Marcowiz," she told me before she told everyone, #BF0000 ">(Period after everyone.) "Now, let's give a round of applause for Jeremias."
Everbody obeyed, except me. Why would I clap my hands for him? He wasn't even reading his movie review yet. Jeremias stood in front of the class. He had a #BF0000 ">(Remove the "a") long black hair that kissed his shoulders. His eyes were dark and sparkling (I have no idea how his eyes got those sparkly things). He looked so serious as he opened the folder and read his report.
The movie that he chose: Drag Me To Hell. #BF0000 ">(You should change this sentence to, "The movie that he chose was Drag Me To Hell.") I rolled my eyes. He kept babbling about the horror movie. How impressive! I shook my head and looked at my classmates. Oh man, some of the girls were beginning to drool (not really, but they might drool later!). As he narrated the story, the people looked like scaredy-cats. I rolled my eyes again. Horrors and hell didn't scare me. They were unreal.
Moreover, he spoke a lot about hell. He described how it looked like#BF0000 ">(insert comma) and the demons #BF0000 ">that torment the sinful souls in there for eternity.
I found myself saying, "How could that make that film better than my #BF0000 ">(Italicize "my") favorite film?"
I broke everyone's concentration on Jeremias' report. Their eyes were centered on me. I looked at Jeremias. A sinister smile crept across his face. What the hell. #BF0000 ">(Change period to question mark)
Ms. Salves looked displeased for my interruption. She sat straight. "Can you please stand up, Ms. Marcowiz?"
I stood up reluctantly. She spoke again. "Ask your question to Jeremias."
Okay. I looked at him and that sinister smile was still glued on his face. I felt the hair on my nape stood on its ends. #BF0000 ">(You should change this sentence to, "I felt the hairs on the nape of my neck starting to stand on its ends. Or something of the combination. Something that sounds smoother. The flow of the sentence isn't quite right.)
"What is it?" he spoke. I gulped and replied, "How could that make that film better than my favorite film?"
He nodded his head and the looks on his face didn't change. "Because it tells about reality, yours doesn't."
"How did #BF0000 ">(Change "did" to "could") you say so? You've been in hell?" #BF0000 ">(Maybe try this last sentence of his as, "Have you been in hell?" I crossed my arms and grinned. I enjoyed my sarcastic remark.
He extended that sinister smile on his lips. "You'll know that I'm telling the truth when you die."
#BF0000 ">Well, overall I think this was pretty good. Although, I do think Love Suite is still my favorite.