Oppressed, depressed, compressed in this hell where I dwell,
Outshone, out of line? Who or what’s the shrine I seek.
I see power surrounding me, drowning me; undermining me.
The class structure, an invisible puncture,
Crushing the souls of millions.
Messages and promises told and spread,
But do they mean a word they’ve said; or instead
Do they create a distant barrier of lies
To defend and hide from the cries.
The cries of truth they don’t want to hear,
The cries of truth into their hearts strike fear.
Killing and committing crimes under the name of their God,
Their Lord merciful and never once did I think he'd smite, definitely not?
Patriotism or Fascism?
To Conform and walk in line with society
When all you feel is the need to break free.
And this Christmas forget Santa Clause and presents,
The mockingbird’s here and he's mocking you from your stocking,
The mislead soldiers who where once again promised,
That by Christmas they’d be back in their comfortable beds,
Aiding their wounds, resting their heads.
While the likes of Field Marshal Haig are safe in their home,
Commanding men fighting for god, queen and country; who’d roam
Through mountain and sand, gun in hand,
Dreaming at the end they’ll at least reach the holy land.
The rulers of countries call it the land of the free
How did freedom become my enemy; I dream of equality.
I will never be and nor aspire to be a saint,
But I’ll try with with my words to paint
The peaceful image of the world we need
No call of army or to kill will I heed
Steady as a steed, I know what I need.
No lies and equality once again to rise,
To suffice, as I close my eyes
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi,
The rhythm is great and I really love the internal rhyme!
I'd try to add more imagery, rather than stating outright what you want to convey. Especially since this a poem about not conforming, I would avoid clichés like the plague (for example, "break free".) Side-step lines and concepts which sound like something you've read or heard before, and show the reader the situation instead, using imagery to reveal the speaker's attitude.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I absolutely loved this poem. The thought was wonderful and the rhythm was almost hypnotic. I think the beginning was great and it definitely sucked me in, at first I thought it was a free verse with not much of a rhyme, but it did form with an elegant flow.
its very interesting.
i enjoy the whole theme of anit_conformitism.
Their Lord merciful and never once did I think he'd smite, "definitely not".
what exactly do you mean by def not? i dont really understand this line.
also its kinda hard to read, i thik its becasue you put it all in bold?
instead next time only bold the power words, (feelings emotions ect) or the ones you feel strongest ab, but only 1 or 2 words. it gives it more emphasis then