It's dark, lonely, yet still in a way, peaceful. I look around, I cant help but notice the moon. It's a full and brighter than ever before. As I walk this abandoned back road I notice something strange. Something like I've never seen before. Even though I'm surrounded by dead, leave less trees... I notice a house, fairly old. Doesn't appear that anyone lives there so I approach it with caution, and as silent as possible
As soon as I get to the gate, there's a sign saying "CAUTION APPROACH AT OWN RISK" in all capitols. I jump as I hear a cat hissing behind me. I start laughing thinking to myself "I actually got startled over a cat" I pass the warning sign and as I'm walking through the terrifying yard, all I see is weeds growing off the house and the grass doesn't seem to be taken care of for decades. The trees, they look strangely odd, yet, terrifying. I shiver. It suddenly got cold.
"I should not have passed that sign" I think harshly to myself. I am terrified but I continue anyway. I approach the front porch and yet another sign says, "CAUTION! CONTINUE ON AT OWN RISK!" I dis regard that thinking its just person who hates company so they are trying to scare us off. I knock one the door, once, twice, then three times. With each knock I knock louder and louder. With the same result, "silence"...
I slowly open up the door with a bone cringing squeal. I pass through the doorway and carefully enter. It's definitely old! Nothing but dust, with the smell of death in the air. The furniture is bloody and filled with dust. Doesn't look to have had much company lately.
There's a table with papers. So I go over to take a look. It's really interesting. Then I see something chilling. They are old newspapers from 1998, just a year before now. "missing! If any information contact the police immediately!" With a picture of a little brunette, green eyed girl that appeared to be around 16.
An air chilling breeze suddenly throws the paper to the floor to uncover another newspaper. The same brunette was then pronounced dead, I look at the time and the location she came up dead. 538 west avenue street... I faintly remember the location of the house I am in right now! Its the same location. I then get scared, worried. I then think " what have I gotten myself into". I pick up the stack if newspapers and they are all the same, a person that trespassed onto this residence all came up missing, then they were all announced dead at the same time, 3 a.m..(I look at the time on my phone, (which has lost connection) and it's 2:15 a.m. right now.)and they all died the same way, slit throat then hung. 1890, 1892, 1893 all the way to 1999.
I start roaming around. Nothing else much interesting, just am ordinary old home. Paper all over the floor and ropes hanging from the ceiling, must've been from previous hangings because right under each is an old blood stain. Everything is bloody and shows that their was trauma that had happened in this home. Pictures of a family, a young boy around the age of 10, and a mother and a father, all hang around the house and on the refrigerator.
I come across a stair case leading into upstairs. With every step is an old, neck chilling creak. I go through a serious of about twenty stairs with all the same creak with every step. I read the second floor and look down. I think to myself "that would lead to a painful death" as I walk the smell of death gets worse. There's an open door so I let myself in only to find two people dead and turned to skeletons. I shiver. The sheets are covered in blood. This room reeks with the feeling #and smell# of death.
I close the door and carry on to another open door. A childs room. There too was a smaller skeleton, then it dawns on me, this must be the family. The childs room is a mess, toys thrown all over the place along with clothes, and blood covers everything. But layed down the same way as the mother and father. Legs together, arms on their belly hand over hand. They were layed there peacefully, relaxingly.
I continue on my way down the hallway. I thought I seen someone.. Someone with brunette hair and terrifying green eyes, with a long, torn black dress. Her face too pale to be alive. I freeze afraid of what i have just seen. She fits the exact same description as the girl from the newspaper. She then sees me and her eyes become more frightening than ever she looks to be full of rage, and anger.
she disappears, I dont know what to do, I'm so afraid I feel paralyzed. A quick pain goes through my neck as if it had been slit. She then reappears in front of me.I grab a hold of my neck and look down as blood pours onto the ground right below me. I look at the face that once terrified me and realize why the knife is dripping blood. She had slit my throat.
she begins laughing as i fall to the ground, "I should not have came in here", i think to myself as i bleed onto the wood polished floor. She puts a rope above me onto a ceiling fan that doesn't work anymore. And puts it around my neck.
as I fade into the night I think once more to myself, "I knew I shouldn't of came in here".
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Hello, bvbAngel! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it!
First comment: I think everything is happening too fast. I know this is a short story but it could be the length of a chapter in a book. The story would go a lot smoother if you slowed things down.
Second comment: This is giving me a cliche feeling. The story has all the elements of those sucky horror movies: abandoned house, a girl/boy who did something stupid that gets them killed, a ghost that kills the girl/boy. I've seen it so many times in movies and books, I feel like I'm reading the same thing over and over. But, the hanging part was something I've never seen before (yet), so good job on that part.
Third comment: When the main character finds the newspapers and reads them, why didn't she run off? It's like she kept on walking with no hesitation, not even scared that she would die or anything. I'd suggest letting her move on, but make her hesiatate and be paranoid with every noise she hears. Not being scared to walk around the house, even when she finds the bodies, is very weird in a horror story like this.
Well, this is the end of this review. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in anyway. Keep writing!
Pastel
Oh no thank you for your review. I wrote it that way with her not being scared because I made her in a way, Like me. If I were to find something as such I wouldn't run away or leave. I'd continue through the house.. Thank you so much and I will take your review into consideration<3
Hi! I'm just going to give you a short little review here.
!
First of all, I feel like this story is really cliche. Most of the horror elements have already been done before in a very similar way so I think that maybe you should find a way to create a more unexpected set of events.
Secondly, what is the motivation? In the beginning of the story, you have the main character being warned countless times not to go in the house. So why does he or she go in there? Is it for money? For fame? For another reason? I think revealing the characters motivation would really help you develop the story further.
Thirdly, I think that the pacing of this story is happening too fast. It jumps around pretty quickly so I think that if you slowed it down a bit and used more description then it will help with that.
Despite what I said, I still think that this story has great potential and I hope that you take my comments into consideration! Good luck with this
thefreakfantastic
Thank you so much! My idea of why she went into the house anyways even after her thoughts told her nit to was because curiosity. Honestly the theme was that 1. Curiosity can be deadly. But also it was just for fun. Thank you so much. I will consider your help! I appreciate it.
Good luck with the rest of your writing c;! I think you are going to be a great author
!
Thank you so much!!! <3
Hey! In the first sentence you say: It's dark, lonely, yet still in a way, peaceful. I feel like you didn't need the word still in the sentence. The next sentence: It's a full and brighter than ever before. The word "a" didn't need to be there. Instead of leave less in the 6th sentence, it should be leaf less. In the next sentence you could've replaced: Doesn't appear that anyone lives there with It didn't appear anyone lived there.
In the next paragraph when it says all capitols, it could be either all caps, or in capital letters. In the 3rd sentence of the paragraph you should have a comma between laughing and thinking. Also regarding that sentence, you don't need quotation marks around thoughts. You can either have it as you have with the word thinking or you could have it in italics.
In the next paragraph when it says: Its the same location there should be a apostrophe in between the t and the s of its. In the next sentence it should be got instead of get. In the next sentence if should be of.
Ok so I'm sorry that I nitpicked it so much..... Just make sure you edit your stories before you submit them because there were a lot more that I didn't even say (like make sure to capitalize your I's!!). I think this was an interesting story and I liked the eerie and mysterious feel to it. I loved the ending and I really hope I can expect more. You really impressed me. Keep writing <3
Sarah24
Oh no its good. Be as harsh as you want. I want any help as possible. Thank you. I will work on it