I'm running, I'm crying, Im lost and confused. I dont know where to look, where to turn. Who can I trust? Who can I turn to? I'm alone, scared. Please help me, everywhere I look its dark. The further I run the the darker, the more lonely it gets. How can I survive this hell?
the devil has a grasp on me. He won't let go. He says no one will ever want me, he says I'm not good enough.
I look left, then right. Please! Save me from this hell. I cant see a thing and I'm terrified. I'd love to be happy again, to be able to be outside of this hell one more time. But day after day, the darkness grows, its swallowing me. I can't get away. I'm lost, tired. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of the daily hell.
the hell within my mind is no place to be. It's no place to live. Maybe it'd be better off dead..
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139,586 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
I'll start with grammar. There were some minor grammatical errors, but they were minimal:
Now I'll move onto the content of the story. I like how quick paced the story was. It gives the reader a sense of urgency and desperation, which is good. You want to captivate your readers and make them feel what the main character is feeling. I get what you were trying to do with the commas and the short sentences, and sometimes it works, but it is a little overdone in this story. Try mixing different sentence structures to make your story flow better. Right now, most of the sentences are set up the same way, which makes your story a bit choppy, and the short sentences makes your story feel a bit too rushed.
Overall, I think you did a great job of setting the tone for the reader. You just need to experiment more with sentence structure. I also think you could expand on this some more. It's good, but very short. Maybe you could add some imagery somewhere so your readers can have a visual.
Okay, that's it for this review. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.
Your short story is full of suspense, thrill and fear. You were able to express yourself through words so well. I really like it. Its a metaphor for the internal struggles which go on in our brain from which we can't escape, right?
Now, coming to the review.
I guess there's a typo at the beginning of the second and fourth paragraph, where you began the sentence with a lowercase letter. There's a chance that it might have been part of your plan in writing this story, but I'm unaware about that. Also, in the first line, you should have written "I'm" instead of "Im". Another minor flaw which can easily be ignored. The last sentence of the story has been constructed in an improper manner as well. By this, I do not refer to the three periods at the end (which are an integral part of the story, making the reader more anxious and thrilled) or the meaning of the sentence but to its words. Other than that, there were no grammatical errors. Writing that you are "alone, scared" instead of "alone and scared" makes the story more realistic because it shows that you are exhausted and in a hurry to do away with your problems to speak much. The first line of the story "I'm running, I'm crying, I'm lost and confused" sets the tune for the story, which is as awesome and thrilling as the aforementioned line. The last paragraph puts an exciting twist to the story where it is revealed that the devil chasing you is not some big, fearful giant with a skull-like face but the deeper, disturbed part of you. Overall, it was an awesome story. Though a new member of YWS, you are too good for words. Keep up your amazing work!!
Thank you so much!!! And yes those these you pointed out about im instead of I'm, they were typos.
I am glad that you found my review useful
Hey! This is a really interesting way of writing this story. So obviously it's an internal struggle for the writer. I think it had a lot of personal thoughts and feelings and that's mainly what I liked about it. I think it was truly different and it was for me at least, very relatable and I think you do a great job explaining the emotional drainage a lot of people sadly suffer from. I think it has a really intriguing title and I believe maybe it could have been a little bit more descriptive buy other than that it's an interesting and new way of expressing an internal struggle. Keep writing <3
Sarah24
Thank you!! And yes, my favorite way to write is to write about how I'm feeling, or about a feeling that I know. So thank you so much
No problem! And if you ever need to talk I'm always here!!
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
Hey there bvbAngel, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks
Overall
For the most part I think this can be a very interesting story. I think you gave your self enough room to dig down into the deeper feelings of this character and truly give your readers one heart wrenching piece. However, no matter how much I liked this as it is, you're not there yet.
1.) You tended to repeat the same thing over-and-over again with only slightly altering the words. While that can totally get the concept of a piece to the reader it doesn't necessarily work on an emotional level. Let me tell you why - when we [your readers] read the same thing over-and-over again, it makes the piece become a little more boring to read. Yes, we know, you [as the character] are stuck in this hell and you don't know how to come out of it.
There's no need to tell us more then once -even twice if you have to. In case you hadn't noticed, you mentioned the hell five times in your piece (not including the title) which is actually a lot if you think about how short your writing here actually is.
So, instead of telling us about you being stuck in this hell, why don't you give us more imagery. Give something even more concrete to hold onto, something that will allow us to get glimpse what it is your feeling.
2.) This kind of goes in with what I said above. You tend to repeat the beginnings of sentences a lot, even when you used commas. To show you what I mean, let's look at an example:
So this is the most prominent of what I'm trying to show you. Here, you used commas to connect ideas, but you also use the word I'm after each one. The problem is that it lags down your writing and makes it tedious to read. You used commas, therefore we know that the subject of the sentence is still you, there's no need to constantly tell us that it's you. Yes, we know that: you're running, crying, lost and confused.[/color]
3.)You had quite a few grammatical errors in which you were missing apostrophes and words that should have been capitalized weren't, etc... remember to proof read your piece before you submit so your reviewers don't have to look at the simple mistakes and instead can look at helping you out with the big picture.
4.)You'll notice I took out some things and add others, I didn't it all purely to help the flow and sound of your piece. You don't have to keep those suggestions, I just wanted to show you what I would change to make it read a little nicer.
Final Thoughts
All in all, you have a nice piece that also has the potential to really hit some one. Just work on the phrasing and detail and keep an eye out for those minor mistakes. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you so much. I understand what you are saying. I will work on it and I will proof read.
Thank you so much. I understand what you are saying. I will work on it and I will proof read.
Of course, I hope I didn't sound too harsh and I'm glad to help
Oh no. I'm open to any help. I don't really plan to get a career writing but I love writing and I want to make my writing as pleasing for others to read.
Hi there!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you will like it here.
This was an interesting piece, in that the entire thing is the character's internal dialogue. This is a really intriguing way to write, and I think it's something new and exciting. Because of the nature of the narrative, the reader is really able to understand exactly what the character is feeling and experiencing, so it makes the read a very personal thing.
Here, you've really given yourself the opportunity to tap into emotional writing and find creative ways to express what your character is feeling. I find that emotional writing can be some of the most creative and descriptive types of writing out there, so I encourage you to explore different expressions of emotions. For example, instead of writing that the character is "lost and confused", try to come up with a way to show us what "lost and confused" means. What does "lost and confused" look like? Is it a colour? Is it wandering in a hot, big city on a Wednesday? Emotional imagery can be really exciting and successful when it comes to an internal dialogue.
Be mindful of general technical errors, like capitalizing the first word of each sentence and remembering proper punctuation, like apostrophes in contracted words.
Overall, I'm curious as to why this person is feeling so down and out. It would be interesting to see you develop that aspect of the story more!
Best,
Lavvie
Thank you so much. I will work on what you told me to. It was very helpful!
Hey, first off welcome to YWS! The cheerfulness is contagious, so brace yourself
Reading this, it sort of found its own rhythm as I read it which was really neat, something along the lines of slam poetry. That being said, I think formatting this more like a poem would better help the reader follow the emotion of your words.
I really like how you form the mind into a place. The mental narration makes it easy to imagine a shadowy crossroads surrounded by darkness. That being said, the last sentence threw me off a little. Through the piece, you describe mind as a place rather than a living being, so it took another look to figure out what you were saying.
Keep up the good work! The words flowed so smoothly and I really enjoyed reading this.
Thank you so much!