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Fighting Gods, Saving Lives and A little bit of Forbidden Romance Part One
Phoenix.
Science was boring, so was English, maths, religious education, history, geography and whatever other lessons me and Dylan did in this stupid English boarding school for under eighteen’s of ours.
Dylan and I are best friends. I could say we were more than best friends, but I can’t think of the right way to put it… so you won’t get the wrong idea. Maybe I could say we were like brother and sister, but they always argue and take the piss out or each other…so, no. Me and Dylan have a type of connection with each other, he knew when I needed space or when I needed comforting, he could tell when I was about to breakdown in tears or randomly start laughing. People who hadn’t met us before, just assumed we were actually brother and sister though we look nothing alike. Part of the reason was we were the only boy and girl allowed to share a cabin together on school grounds. That was the only reason other than you hardly see us without one another I could think of, because like I said we looked nothing alike, Dylan had scruffy hair, as black as ebony with a small streak of electric blue at the front, his eyes were thee same colour as the streak-electric blue. I had hazel brown hair that was wavy and hung loosely just above my waist I had a streak of aquamarine in my hair, and just like Dylan’s, my streak matched my eyes.
“Oi” Dylan’s shout to me knocked me out of the daydream “What!” I answered back to him, he looked quite offended so I give him a look saying sorry so he knew it was safe to smile. “Will you come drop these files of with me, down at the office” I agreed and walked out of the classroom that was lined with book shelves holding play scrip’s the walls were navy and white- The schools colours.
As we were walking, files in hands, the ground started to shake, I had no idea what was happening, because it wasn’t everyday there was an earthquake in England. I didn’t know what to do, so I held on to Dylan for dear life… until I accidentally let go
“Ow”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello!
Stella gave you some good points, but here's my two cents.
The reason I bolded/underlined those words was, all the bold words are past tense, while the underlined word is present tense.
Your tenses continue to switch throughout the story. Later on you say "we were like brother and sister" which is past tense, and there are probably tense changes I'm missing in here. Go over this with a fine-toothed comb, or get somebody else to go over this, preferably both.
Ever heard of an "info dump"? It's when you give absolutely everything about a character and situation, including looks, relationship status, location, whatever, in one shot.
You have a pretty long one here.
In itself, this much of an info dump is on the bad side. But this is the second paragraph of your story, so readers aren't actually interested in the story yet. I'd suggest you only keep this part of it, if you have to keep it at all (I find it's best to get the action going before you actually start describing looks. As for describing relationships... I'll get to that later)
Then you hint at the relationship and give more of the character's voice without making readers bored with so much description at once. You can show the relationship later, just by having them interact, people thinking they're siblings, and the description you can work in later.
You've got your dialogue all in one paragraph here. Each line of dialogue should go on its own line, like so:
I've also added in the needed punctuation. Stella gave you an article on the topic, and I suggest you read it.
*
So now for my bit on explaining character relationships.
In short? Not a good idea to do it.
When you explain a character relationship in depth, like you did in the beginning here, then you're making the readers yawn. You're also spoiling any sort of surprises we might get in their relationship and making readers wonder "why should I bother reading this?"
Also, I'd suggest starting off with them about to go to the office to grab us with one fantastic conflict right at the beginning. This article has more tips on the subject.
The earthquake, if it didn't make me so very confused, then you'd get a good conflict. But, at present, I'm left wondering what to do with the story.
Slow way down here. Spend the time to explain the relationship by showing (as in, letting them speak and interact with the world around them and each other so we learn their relationship by seeing how they actually fit as friends, and we get to know the characters before they're sent to the plot) and set up where they are! I have no idea where all of this is being set, their history (past the info dump, but there sounds like more. Like they moved together or are in a student exchange program) or anything. So, this is why I say to slow down so we actually learn about the characters.
Your concept, what little I can get of it, is alright. I honestly can't tell what in the world is going on so that could be why I'm not commenting much on anything else. Your style could use a lot of polishing.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hello there, Butterfly!
Okay, lets start with a few corrections.
The first one or two times reading that is really confusing. Maybe try to reword it so it makes more sense?
Okay, you have a few things you need to fix here. I put my edits in bold. Work on your punctuation as well as splitting apart when you have dialogue. Also don't have run on sentences.
Add some punctuation to that. Did the person shout it? If so, add an exclamation point.
Otheriwse, you just have some missing periods and such, and those can be easily fixed by using a spelling and grammar check.
Good luck!
~Heather
Hey Butter, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
Let's talk about first lines.
Science was boring. That's good. But then it turns into a huge run-on sentence. "Science was boring" might be a good first line all by itself. But then... your story's starting off with something boring! And then it's a list of subjects! You could find a waaaay better starting point than this! Also, under eighteens doesn't need an apostrophe, and it's not even needed at all. How many people go to boarding school when they're over eighteen?
I really can't see this happening. And cabins? Expliquez, s'il vous plait.
Confused about dialogue punctuation? Don't be!
There's an earthquake! Oh wow! Wait... I blinked... and I missed it! Make it longer! Make it more exciting! Make it fun!
II. BEGINNINGS
You have a good idea for a beginning here. But it's a little bit lost. I mean, you start talking about science class, then suddenly you're walking down a corridor. There's a few random character descriptions in there, not to mention an explanation of their relationship. There's so much that when the plot actually starts, I've forgotten there's supposed to be one!
Characters are the most important, then plot. Backstory can wait. Appearances can wait. Especially at the beginning, it's important to get the fundamentals established. Draw out the earthquake, show us a bit more of who your protagonist is. I know you can do it!
III. OVERALL
Not bad, keep up the good work
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey lily wereit says Phoenix at the top its a P.O.V so thinkyou can tell now
Great story! I love the way you the characters so the readers can visualize them clearly, and how you vividly describe their relationship. The dialogue is also good. Though I`d like to make a few suggestions. I don`t know what the girl`s name is, Did you ever mention her name in the story? Instead of starting off the sentence with Me and Dylan the proper way to start off the sentence is Dylan and I. You could also get around this by starting the sentence off with we. Also, you have a paragraph full of dialogue between the two characters. Everytime a new character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. Also in the last sentence in the second to last paragraph, you need to add a period behind the word 'go.' Lastly, you need to add an exclamation mark behind the word "OW!" Other than this, great story! I can`t wait to read more. Happy writing
I loved the concept of your story, especially the theme of love and friendship in your story, it makes the reader have a light-hearted feeling inside them. I also loved the cliffhanger in the last part. I don't have any other thing to say but those two people seem so sweet with each other. I hope you make another part of this story! Keep up the good work! I
~Vita