I looked out of the window it was raining, not much of a change when you live in Wigan but that was all about to change because the car was heading towards Liverpool airport and in my hand was a one way ticket to Washington D.C. I was moving in with my Aunt Ally she suggested I moved over to America when she found out my step mum had been hitting me I quickly accepted…
I sat up looking at the clean crisp American sky it was so different to the English one, English sky’s wear usually dull and grey especially If you lived in Wigan. It was hard to think that just over sixteen hours ago I was waiting for a plane in Liverpool airport to take me to Washington D.C. Moving in with my aunt ally was a big decision but I wanted a new start in life after all I only have to do a few months in school because im seventeen nearly eighteen, I can take driving lessons too! So moving to America opened up a few doors for me. My aunt lived on a large estate made up by just four houses which formed a sure then in the middle there were a few car parking spaces surrounded by low standing Walls one of which I was sat on now, the rest of the inside was grass and crazy pathing. I hopped of the wall and admired the scenery then walked back into the house and up to my room my auntie ally had been working hard On my room, it looked amazing aqua and baby pink walls surrounded me, my bed was in the corner with matching sheets a TV stood in a cabinet surrounded by all my books, DVDs and CDs then my wardrobe and Chester draws stood together next to the cabinet, stood against the wall. Next to my bed then was a desk with my laptop and pencil case parked on top and my guitars (electric and acoustic I can play both very well) and keyboard at the side of the desk. I admired the room for the millionth time today and noticed my favourite feature if the room...the window seat built into a large curved window which then had a large window to climb out of onto a beautiful balcony in one sense I felt like a Juliet waiting for Romeo…
“Daisy-Rae what do you want for lunch?” my aunt shouted up to me, I just asked for a salad then made my way down the wooden stairs. I had a proper look round downstairs it looked modern with white furniture and bright coloured walls then I walked into the kitchen and my aunt served me a fresh salad which looked awesome, as I finished eating my aunt asked if I had looked in my wardrobe and draws
And I replied : “ not really had chance why” she said no reason so out of curiosity I went into my room and checked out my wardrobe and to my surprise my wardrobe was full of handmade dresses, coats and shoes they were beautiful I then looked in my Chester draws and they were full of handmade tops and jeans which were also gorgeous then I remembered my Aunt Ally’s job she was a fashion designer and had a big studio down town I squealed with excitement and ran downstairs…
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Okay...sounds like the good beginning, the girl has come from a bad home and now it starting over with a (hopefully) fabulous new life!
First off, you start off by saying that it's raining (are we in America at this point?) and that it's not very different from Wigan. However, you contradict yourself in the second paragraph by saying the sky is clean and crisp and very different from England. So which is it?
In the second paragraph you also say, "I sat up looking..." where is your character? We discover further down that she is at the Aunt's house. Also, there was no earlier indication of gender or what your character looks like, only that she/he is 17 and can soon drive. I assume later on that your character is female when you say that "I feel like Juliet..."
Try and work out a strong identity for your character so that we can get a clearer picture. Also, let us know more about the relationship between her and the aunt. Is she excited to be there? Or was she simply escaping? Does she know her aunt well? Or is she a stranger in a new country?
On the technical side, I will echo other comments by suggesting that you reread your sentences and break them down into smaller ones. It helps to read them out loud and then put commas or periods where you would naturally take a breath. You'll figure out! Good luck!
I really liked your writing it flowed well. Yours was a piece I didn't want to read to qickly in fear I might miss something. Keep it up this was really very well written. I look forward to reading more of your pieces in the future.
Hey Butterfly, okay I read this and your story seems to be pretty flat,especially the beginning that Zibbie pointed out.It really didn't interest me all that much. And please separate that huge unreadable block of mess, its confusing. But all in all its almost like a Cinderella thing- She moves in with her aunt and her life gets a whole lot better. Thank you for the read.
hi Butterfly!
Okay i started reading and first thing i see... Your story starts with
that is not going to get anyone to want to read more. You want your first line to be compelling and interesting, and though this sentence does continue, its the first part that grabs the attention.
really long run on sentence.
Other than the structure issues i thought it had a good plot. Girl has a really bad upbringing and then moves in with a nice aunt who designs cool clothes, then has a better life.
Keep working on it!
Zib
#0000FF ">Hello and welcome to YWS!
Nit picks:
Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph! Separate it out a bit. It is really confusing reading it all garbled together.
Capitalize them I's and names.
It's all one great big sentence... periods are not a sin.