Brooklyn
“Brooklyn could you please get up were going to be late for the cinemas, the boys are only going to beat us!” I had my head buried in the pillows, and I had for the last hour. It was before ten o’clock and no-one gets Brooklyn Phoenix America up before 10 O’clock and Roxie knew that. I lifted my head about 10 centimetres of the pillow and saw Roxy coming at me with a jug of freezing cold water. The next thing I knew I was screaming at the top if my voice at Roxy, piss wet through. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs then my other best friend Alice shouting “WHO THE HELL, HAS JUST BEEN KILLED!” then she turned to see me and collapsed into laughter.
I spent the next hour getting ready for the cinemas, we were meeting the boys: Jack, Damon and Brad. I let my bright red hair run wavy past my waist (yea, I was going for the Hayley Williams look but I didn’t work) it still looked nice. Alice and Roxy both had black hair but Alice’s was pixie cropped and Roxie’s was long and curly.
Roxie
We were watching the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie. And the screen room was empty, i mean there was just us six of us messing about (mostly screaming at the top of our lungs) and Alice and Brooke singing sexy chick at top of there voices. After we came out of the screen me, Alice and Brooke all went into the toilets. while Brooke was still in, Alice and me was waiting outside when i hear Alice go “ Why is Damon giving Brooke his mobile number she has it” then “EWWWWW, why is Damon kissing Brooke” my head quickly looked towards the direction Alice was looking “Alice that isn’t Brooklyn, that’s Sydney her twin...” we looked gobsmacked, it didn’t help we were all sure Brooke had a crush on Damon for ages...
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Canary word: Present
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Final thoughts:
Your characters are not flat, but they're stock characters. The best friends, the punk chick, etc. I want more depth into them. Show us more of their thoughts, their little quirks, etc. As a writer, your job is to make me sympathize with your characters. You haven't gotten me to sympathize with any of them.
Your word choice isn't the best, and you lack description in the right parts. You describe their hair, but that's it. You don't describe the surroundings: the way things look, the sounds filling the air and the smells of the moviehouse are all neglected. Heck, you didn't even describe how being dumped by a bucket of ice water felt like.
Also, if your character took a whole hour then that's an absurd amount of time and they most certainly would have gotten to the moviehouse late.
Your story, I believe, starts when the two best friends see Brooke's twin kissing Damon. Start there.
Your grammar is bad and needs editing.
I'm not really for the POV shift. It's almost like you did it just because you wanted to show Sydney and Damon making out. If you shift POV, then I expect you to juggle the POVs of both girls all throughout the piece. This better not be for just that one part.
I don't see much of a plot here because, like I said, your story began when you ended this piece. Try to start from that point, as I don't really care how they got into the moviehouse.
Your beginning was somewhat weak and cliched - girl waking up. Begin with conflict.
Finally, why are her friends in her house so early? It almost seems as if they're living together. Also, Sydney is not mentioned until the end of the piece so she seems to have come out of nowhere. Fix that by dropping hints or a word or two about Sydney in the earlier parts, should you choose to keep them.
Anyway, those are my two cents. PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
Hello there!
Here to review.
Overall:
I like how you change perspectives in your story. It was a good idea but you have some grammatical errors in here. Proofread this piece before submitting it so you'll have the confidence and reviewers will not tend to argue on some parts of your story. Some parts were confusing and some lines are too awkward to read. You have the potential though but aside fro all those thing, you have a good piece here.
PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
_yuri_
Wow, thankyou i'm omly twelve aswell
you have made it sound alot better thanks .
It's not bad but it needs to b edited a lot. There were some spelling and grammer mistakes.
Here is a version with slight corrections:
“Brooklyn could you please get up we're going to be late for the cinemas, the boys are only going to beat us!” I had my head buried in the pillows as I had for the last hour. It was before ten o’clock and no-one gets Brooklyn Phoenix America up before 10 O’clock. Roxie knew that. I lifted my head about 10 centimetres off the pillow and saw Roxy coming at me with a jug of freezing cold water. The next thing I knew I was screaming at the top if my voice at Roxy, piss wet through.(Maybe here you could describe the shocking cold of the water as it hit you). I heard footsteps coming up the stairs then my other best friend Alice shouting “WHO THE HELL HAS JUST BEEN KILLED!” then she turned to see me and collapsed into laughter.
(and later on...)
while Brooke was still in, Alice and me were waiting outside when Alice suddenly said “ Why is Damon giving Brooke his mobile number? she has it already.” Then “EWWWWW, why is Damon kissing Brooke?” My head quickly turned towards the direction Alice was looking. “Alice, that isn’t Brooklyn, that’s Sydney- her twin...” we were gobsmacked. It didn’t help we were all sure Brooke had a crush on Damon for ages...
Just small changes that I think could make a difference. I think it has potential but just make sure you proofread it.
I hope I helped a little bit! It's your story though so if you don't like what I've changed then that's completely fine! xx