z

Young Writers Society


12+

A Bridge of Chains- Part 1

by burninhell


Chapter 1- Allison

The tavern was heaving. Full of so many people, so many stories, so many idiots.

Allison knew that she was one of those idiots, if she weren’t she wouldn’t be here. She was sat in the darkest corner of a bustling tavern. Her gaze wandered over the patrons, most of which were drinking their lives away, fighting to be heard in a meaningless conversation with another. The waitresses were running around doing their best to keep the mugs of ale filled and the money flowing.

The tavern itself was nothing special, its wooden interior lit only by several lanterns offering meager lighting to the large room. The large communal tables in the center of the room filled to capacity with the city’s drunkards, workers enjoying a night free from their troubles. There were a few lone people sat at stools before the bar, either to get closer to the alcohol or to the flirtatious woman serving it.

Then there were the booths where she was currently seated, she hadn’t failed to notice the barely concealed curious glances some of the patrons were throwing her. That was the problem with meetings like this, they were supposed to be inconspicuous, and she knew better than whomever she was meeting that private and public did not go hand in hand.

She had however taken every precaution possible to ensure that her meeting remained as secretive as she could have it. The location had been given the day before, giving her just enough time to prepare. Allison had an exit strategy for almost every eventuality, though most involved the daggers which were tucked into the belt around her waist and tucked into her boots. There was also an easily accessible door located just behind her, the only reason she had arrived early for this meeting was so that she would be the one sat closer to that door.

Her fingers drummed on the table as her impatience rose, her attention now moving from the patrons to the door. Though she may have been early, her client was late. And although the sun had set not long ago she did want to be home before it rose again.

Allison glanced around the tavern again, she was always wary when in the city, and she was even more so in this city. She did her best to avoid the capital at all; it was dangerous in the best of circumstances. She preferred it when she could stay in her tent, away from any place where she was putting her life at risk, yet here she was, surrounded by her sworn enemies. But the camp needed money, so she had little choice in the matter.

The door opened and her eyes snapped up only to immediately clash with the yellow ones staring back at her. She leaned back in her seat feigning an ease that she wasn’t even close to feeling, watching as the man walked to sit opposite her in the booth. She smiled at the sight of the sweat gathering on his brow; at least she wasn’t the only one who was uncomfortable with this entire situation.

The man seemed a little older than she was, seemingly in his early twenties, but it was impossible to tell when in a city such as this, he could easily be in his hundreds. If he was then she couldn’t help but feel a small shred of pride, at least her reputation preceded her. Allison made a show of looking him over, ensuring her expression remained impassive the entire time; his hair was dark, harshly at contrast with the bright yellow of his eyes. He wasn’t muscular like many of the workers at her camp, but he also wasn’t fat.

She studied him for another couple of moments, taking note of the sword hanging at his hip, and the knife he had attempted to hide under his cloak. It was strange; Allison couldn’t help but wonder why the weapons would even be necessary considering his race had the ability to turn into a wolf. That would probably be able to launch much more effective attacks than a sharpened shard of metal.

After a few seconds of contemplation, during which time the man had made it blatantly obvious he wasn’t going to be the first to speak, Allison finally gave a small nod, most of the unease she had felt previously draining away, the man appeared so nervous that it was hard to find the creature threatening. “You have the money?” she asked, tilting her head to the side slightly. Though she might not fear the man she also had no intention of spending any more time with him making idle chit chat than she had to. Less time with him, less time in the city.

The man quickly nodded his head as he hurried to give her the bulging leather pouch that had been at his waist. Allison hesitated only briefly before parting the strings and looking inside, her eyebrow raising at the sight of the gold coins resting inside, this was a lot of money even for a standard job. She looked back up at the man again as she spoke once more “what exactly do you want me to do?” she asked cautiously.

He glanced around the tavern briefly as though expecting someone to be stood listening to every word, even though it was clear they were well out of hearing range, even the creatures in the tavern with enhanced hearing would struggle to make out anything other than unintelligible murmurs of sound. “There is a woman at court who is causing me some issues” he said with a sigh, though his voice was clearly lowered.

Allison fought the roll of her eyes as she nodded her head, these people and their politics was what got her most of her jobs, they paid well, but at the same time she considered it to be rather pathetic. “An old lover?” she asked, unable to help the hint of sarcasm that entered her tone, though she quickly hid her smirk as the man’s eyes visibly darkened. “Sorry” she muttered “what would you have me do about this woman?” she asked, her expression returning to its stony facade as she forced her mind to pay attention to the discussion at hand.

He frowned a little before he continued. “I don’t want her harmed” he said bluntly. At this Allison’s eyebrow raised, the only reaction of surprise that she couldn’t keep from her features. This was new, the only reason people hired her these days was so that she could get rid of people permanently. “I want you to remove her from the city, and I want her kept alive until I can come and retrieve her.”

“So, you want me to kidnap this woman of yours?” Allison asked dryly as she ran a hand through her long fair hair. At the man’s nod she frowned, kidnapping wasn’t part of the game that she usually played, death was clean, and this was going to be messy. She reached forward, taking her glass of water in her hand, not to drink, but only for something to hold.

The man waited silently while she considered it. Kidnapping was unexpected, and certainly not where her expertise lay, but she supposed that she could adapt. The money on the table in front of her was certainly good motivation for that. It could buy enough supplies to keep the entire camp for a couple of months at least, and they were in need of some more medicine. Her finger traced the rim of the glass, there were so many risks, if she was caught she would most definitely be killed, most likely hung for treason. She would also need help to be able to pull it off, kidnapping was a lot more complex than killing, there were more parts to consider, more places for it to go wrong.

But the money was needed, people would die without it. That was the ultimate reason for her slight nod as she lifted the glass to her lips and took a tentative sip. “Who is this woman then?” she asked “and why is it that you want her so much?”

The man frowned a little before sighing “the Princess of Elthia, Lillian Renncourt. My reasons for wanting her are my own. If you succeed send word and I will come and get her from you” he explained with a slight shrug as though it was a reasonable request.

Allison, on the other hand, was left speechless for the first time in what had definitely been a long time. “You want me to kidnap Lillian Renncourt? A Princess?” she asked in disbelief. She didn’t keep up to date in the politics of kingdoms, but everyone knew that Lillian was to marry the Crown Prince of Athin, the capital city of which contained the very tavern in which she was sat in.

“Do I look as though I have a death wish? No! Not in this life or the next. This meeting is over; you can find some other fool to do your dirty work for you” she protested quickly, as she moved to get to her feet, the money on the table long forgotten. As she rose to her feet however she found herself walking straight into something solid, her attention whipped up to the man who was now glaring down at her, his face no longer containing any hint of the nervous unease she had seen before.

“Sit” he snapped, Allison could have sworn she saw his golden eyes flash. She did as she was instructed, stubbornly keeping her expression impassive, refusing to show any of the nerves she was now definitely feeling.

The man smiled, though now it just seemed cruel and full of malicious intent as he sat down beside her, blocking her exit. Allison tensed, her hand itching to reach for one of her daggers, though she forced it to remain stiffly at her side. She stared straight ahead, refusing to give the man the satisfaction of looking at him while she considered her very few options. “You can’t force me to kidnap her for you” she muttered, sounding a lot more childish than she would have liked.

The man let out a low, dangerous chuckle “I can’t, you’re right. But you see, if you refuse I will undoubtedly become angry about it” he said giving her a calculating smile. “I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen what happens to a werewolf when they become angry, it would be a shame if you had to figure it out after I go to meet with your sister” he said, appearing to take pleasure as Allison stiffened in her seat. Her sister was at home, sleeping as any normal person would be at this kind of hour. It couldn’t be possible for this man to have her. And yet it should also be impossible for the man to even know about her.

When Allison was working she never gave her name, never gave away any personal details. For those who had gotten too curious about her life away from her work she had ensured that they were quickly removed from any position where they might even consider betraying her. But this man knew something, she could see it in the dancing embers that were his eyes, and despite herself she felt a small amount of panic beginning to blossom in her chest.

“Now, allow me to renegotiate our terms, you will take Lillian, and when I come to collect her I will return your sister to you. You may take the money I have already given you; I will give you a little more when you complete your end of our bargain.”

“You have my sister?” Allison murmured, her calm demeanor beginning to falter as fear made her voice shake slightly. Even though she mentally cursed herself for showing any weakness in front of this man, she had little control over it.

“Calm yourself, I assure you that she is safe, for now that is. I will answer no more questions about her, I simply need to know if you accept my offer or not.”

Allison looked over at the man in disbelief, he expected her to be calm? She doubted she would ever be calm again. There were so many questions, how did he get her sister? What else did he know about her? How did he find her sister? If he had gotten into their camp then all the humans there were in danger, not just them. But when it came down to the ultimate choice, well there was no choice, he had her backed into a corner, and she had no choice but to be lead out on a leash.

The nod of her head felt as though she had just signed away her freedom, but there were no other options available to her. The man grinned widely, it was like she had just handed him the moon on a plate. “Good, I think your best opportunity will be the ball at the end of the week, I’m sure you can find a way to get her to go with you, your sisters life depends on it after all” he said, his tone almost cheerful as he got to his feet again. “I’ll see you soon Allison” he said, and Allison couldn’t help but notice that his words sounded more like a promise than a simple farewell. 

Please review, I'd love to hear your thoughts of it so far :)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
325 Reviews


Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Donate
Wed Sep 16, 2015 7:52 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



I enjoyed reading this. The premise is very intriguing, lead by an interesting main character in Allison. You have a powerful ability of creating just the right amount of tension for an opening chapter, and your attention to detail is intently amazing. You know just how to get a reader to visualize what you want them to visualize in an effective manner. Your description of the man's look is outstandingly exquisite.

While the narration is excellently done, it may have been better from Allison's point of view. About three quarters of the story is the narrator describing things. This isn't bad, but actions can describe just as well as another person can. The narrator also seems to have their own viewpoints on the event, as if they're already characters in the story. Maybe some inner thoughts of Allison could help that process along.

The tavern was heaving. Full of so many people, so many stories, so many idiots.

Allison knew that she was one of those idiots, if she weren’t she wouldn’t be here.


This is an opening that I really like. The sarcastic, charming wit of the narration is already shown in the beginning; it draws eyes, for sure. However, this is also a good example of what I was getting at. The narrator has their own opinions on these people. But you don't want the reader to know what the narrator thinks, you want them to know what Allison thinks. That's why I think it would be more effective by showing this as Allison's thoughts.

The tavern itself was nothing special, its wooden interior lit only by several lanterns offering meager lighting to the large room. The large communal tables in the center of the room filled to capacity with the city’s drunkards, workers enjoying a night free from their troubles. There were a few lone people sat at stools before the bar, either to get closer to the alcohol or to the flirtatious woman serving it.

Then there were the booths where she was currently seated, she hadn’t failed to notice the barely concealed curious glances some of the patrons were throwing her. That was the problem with meetings like this, they were supposed to be inconspicuous, and she knew better than whomever she was meeting that private and public did not go hand in hand.


These two paragraphs are great. I can just picture the uncomfortable noisiness of the tavern, and all the drunk people there. The last line here is very pseudo-dramatic; it creates just a small ounce of tension, just enough to keep the reader invested in continuing.

And although the sun had set not long ago she did want to be home before it rose again.


ah, this is an awkwardly long sentence. Try a comma after "ago".

She preferred it when she could stay in her tent, away from any place where she was putting her life at risk, yet here she was, surrounded by her sworn enemies. But the camp needed money, so she had little choice in the matter.


hm, this makes sense now, but...

“Do I look as though I have a death wish? No! Not in this life or the next. This meeting is over; you can find some other fool to do your dirty work for you” she protested quickly, as she moved to get to her feet, the money on the table long forgotten.


...Then, all of a sudden she does have a choice? She must not need the money that badly. I like how to emphasize how crazy this idea is, she walks away. But I'm not too big on the inconsistency of her persona, maybe change the first part somehow x_x

The door opened and her eyes snapped up only to immediately clash with the yellow ones staring back at her. She leaned back in her seat feigning an ease that she wasn’t even close to feeling, watching as the man walked to sit opposite her in the booth. She smiled at the sight of the sweat gathering on his brow; at least she wasn’t the only one who was uncomfortable with this entire situation.

The man seemed a little older than she was, seemingly in his early twenties, but it was impossible to tell when in a city such as this, he could easily be in his hundreds. If he was then she couldn’t help but feel a small shred of pride, at least her reputation preceded her. Allison made a show of looking him over, ensuring her expression remained impassive the entire time; his hair was dark, harshly at contrast with the bright yellow of his eyes. He wasn’t muscular like many of the workers at her camp, but he also wasn’t fat.


A couple things here. You already mentioned how yellow his eyes were. I'd prefer it if you'd be more concise with your description of the man; there's no need for twice. I also don't like the "he also wasn't fat," it's kinda...blunt ._. I'd use a more colorful word for someone who isn't that overweight. That's also young for a main character who is seemingly a kind of assassin, interesting.

I also would have given the man a name; you described him so adequately, yet without a name, it's tough for the reader to actually remember him all that well. Hopefully, you gave him one in the next part, and if so, I'd add it somewhere here (maybe towards the end when he tells Allison he'll see her soon)

eh, most of this is nitpicking. I liked reading this a lot, even though it lost a bit of heart halfway through somewhat. The premise, narrative and main character are all very strong elements to make this work well. Well done x_x




burninhell says...


Thank you so much for the review, I completely understand where you're coming from on pretty much every point you have made, I'll try and swap some things around to improve it :)
But the werewolf I'm trying to make as kind of mysterious as possible here as his character is going to become more prominent later on, but he will wind up with a name at some point :)
But yeah, thank you so much, I'll definitely make some changes based on what you've said ^.^



tigeraye says...


ah, I'm slow and didn't know the man was supposed to be the werewolf. It's fine then.



burninhell says...


Ahhh, okay, I'll try to make that a bit more clear as well then :)



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91930
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:10 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so I totally did not even realize that the other one I just reviewed was not, in fact, the start of the entire story.

But now that I've read this chapter, I have a new suggestion for you please don't freak out:

Delete this and start with Allison as she is in the second part of this chapter.

Okay, so I know you're totally thinking, "WHAT???? But I put all this work into this chapter and now you want me to just get rid of this entire part of it plus that backstory part in the other part?"

YEP. And here is why.

When I got to the part about Allison in the second half of this chapter, suddenly I was interested. I didn't know exactly who the werewolf was or what threats he had made, but obviously Allison did and it was interesting. I had no idea who Lillian Renncourt was or how kidnapping her would help Allison get her sister back, but I figured you'd get around to clue-ing me in eventually. It was suspenseful and intriguing.

But then when I realized this was actually the beginning, and I read it...it kind of ruined all that awesome suspense I thought there was! Because I realized you'd actually already told us what was going on. So that was kind of a bummer.

And I realize you did all this work and wrote this whole thing already, but OH MY GOSH it would be so amazing if you just started with Allison running home to find her sister and then dropped hints about everything later on. It's a bummer, because it's the kind of thing you'd never notice as the writer (because as the writer, of course, you're always like, "But no one will understand what's even happening if I don't include this part!"), and now I'm honestly wondering if there are parts like that in my novel (so if there are, I can only hope someone will point them out to me and give me new ideas).

But I honestly think it will make your novel so great. So just give it a thought.

BlueAfrica




burninhell says...


hello again *waves*
Thanks for reviewing this one too, I appreciate it :)
Okay, so I can totally understand where you're coming from, I actually agree about the whole suspense of not knowing a lot about what's going on, but I actually want to keep this part, not because I'm clingy because of the work that I have put in, but because I quite like that you get to meet the werewolf and his character can begin to develop. So I have an alternate suggestion, what if I were to take out some of the details, like about who Lillian is, so that there is still some things that you don't know? Do you think that would still work or do you think I should still remove this whole part?
Thanking you as always for your help :)
Burninhell



BluesClues says...


Well, do you have a later spot where we could get to meet the werewolf? Because I definitely understand what you mean about wanting us to get to see his character, but I feel like maybe that could happen later. Or...maybe after the "She was going to kidnap Lillian Renncourt," then the next chapter (or next part of this chapter) can start with - not a fullblown flashback where it's this entire scene, but maybe just a little bit of something so we start getting a feel for this werewolf? Like maybe she remembers something specific he said. Or like how she was initially like, "Bro, no way am I going to kidnap someone for you," so maybe we see her thinking about the conversation at some point later on and she starts feeling a little doubtful, because, yes, she has to save her sister, but can she really bring herself to kidnap someone?

(Obviously the answer is: yes, because she has to, but a little self-doubt never hurts in a story.)

So I don't know where this is going, of course, but if there's a way you could give us more of his character later, I think it would work out better. If you keep posting I think I might keep reading, and then if I see a good spot I could be like, "HERE. THIS IS WHERE YOU COULD INTRODUCE HIM. IT WOULD BE SO PERFECT."



burninhell says...


Awesome, I can completely see what you mean, and maybe flashbacks are the way forward, I shall have a think about it, I can actually think of a couple of places where they might make things more interesting, adding a little more villannyness to his character as well. Flashbacks could come from both of them as well and I need to stop thinking about it before I accidentally give you spoilers.
But yeah, thank you so much for pointing it out to me, I think I might steal that flashback idea :)



User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 615
Reviews: 54

Donate
Tue Aug 18, 2015 5:31 pm
priceofwords wrote a review...



Burninhell, this was some seriously awesome work. The werewolf is my favourite character, and it'd be great if you could explore him in greater depth later on e.g What are his motives?
Does he have a past secret no one knows about?
How did he know about Allison?

You'd better post the next part soon, or else. ;)

priceofwords




burninhell says...


Cheers priceofwords :)
The werewolf is the my evil guy of choice in this so far, so he should be popping up more, I was thinking of writing this so each chapter is from each of the main characters perspectives, I might have to do one on the werewolf so I can explore him in more depth, but at the moment I'm trying to keep him a bit of a mystery. :)
And I'm writing it, so hopefully the next bit shouldn't be too much longer :)



Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:27 pm
Jella98 says...



Very good story, him being a werewolf was unexpected. I look forward to reading more.




burninhell says...


Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. :)



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 264
Reviews: 8

Donate
Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:07 pm
View Likes
elwarren wrote a review...



Wow! what an incredible start to a story! The only thing I would say is perhaps you could mention a little more about the time period/city as this is a little confusing for the reader. I am guessing that it is around the medieval period? And maybe you could write a little more about how he knew about her sister, just to add an extra edge to the story. Well done! keep writing! I look forward to the next part

El x




burninhell says...


Thank you, I'm mid way through writing the next part which kind of goes into more depth on the sort of world I'm picturing, so hopefully this bit will make more sense after that, but yeah, it is a medieval setting. But yeah, thank you :)




See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451