Published July 18, 2009
I lay awake in bed one hot summer night, when all of a sudden I jumped with a fright.
My eyes they did dart from wall to wall, but nothing I saw, not nothing at all.
‘What was it?’ I thought, as I sat in a ponder; when all of a sudden my mind it did wander.
Was it a burglar lurking outside on the pavement? Or could it possibly have been Poe’s notorious Raven?
Absurd! Crazy! My conclusion, as I lay back down on my bed, t’was my mind playing tricks inside of my head.
My eyes they grew heavy and my body fell limp, but another sound now, Drip! Drip! from the sink.
Ignore it! I want to but I can’t let it be, in no time at all t’will be like Noah’s sea.
I got out of bed, heavy eyes still a door, and wander four meters, it seems so very far.
I reach for the tap to discover no dripping; could it possibly be that my mind has begun to start slipping?
Then behind me I hear a sound not witnessed before, a scraping of something sharp way down on the floor.
The dark room plays cover to what lays just ahead, I realize the noise is coming from the head of my bed.
Startled I move quickly towards this strange sound, but it was not a monster or intruder I found.
As I move closer I hear ‘tis not but a tick tock, a tick tock from a box under safe key and lock.
I awoke with a start, sun beaming in through my curtain, to the same sound before, of that I am certain.
A Beep! Beep! coming from next to a sole discarded sock, a Beep! Beep! from a birthday present, a brand new alarm clock.
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Canary word: Present
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
I don't very often like to read any poetry other than Poe's. I think this one is very close to his style in "The Raven". I have to admit, for me and for poetry, I really liked this one. And I say that very rarely, haha!
) is the best way to go. I say be spontaneous, write what you want to write at the moment. That's how I am. I hardly "plan out" or "Out-Line" anything and if it goes to Heck then it goes to Heck, lol. Good work, keep it up, bro!
And honestly, I think randomosity (if that is a word, and if it's not then I just made it up
\m/(>\/<)\m/ rock on!
~Frankie Belle~
Hahaha this was great. It was random indeed, but very enjoyable.
I love the construction and rhyming. It's very fun and a nice read.
Great job.
Ok, first of all, before I tell you some of the things I thought were...random about your poem, let me just say it has a really good rhythm and I absolutely love it, even if I tell you to change a few words or put in some commas.
So, here goes:
A comma after "my eyes" would be good. But the rest of the sentence is good. You could maybe drop the "not" and just have "nothing at all", it would still sound good.
I love the way you used t'was to make it fit with the flow and rhythm of the poem. I love that sort of language and not many people use it these days
This line doesn't seem to fit as well as all the others. "heavy eyes still a door" doesn't rhyme with "it seems very far" and it doesn't roll off the tongue as well.
I understand why you used "begun" and "start" in the same sentence because it sounds good but it just doesn't make sense, if you know what I mean.
Begun and Same mean the same thing so it just doesn't seem right if something begins to start.
There's that language again 'tis and t'was. I absolutely love the way you threw them i with all the tick tocks and drip drips etc.
Love the rhyme and the onomatopoeia. The way it ends is very good too because you think that all along there is someone outside, lurking on the path when in actual fact it is a clock! Brilliant.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed this poem and you should be proud of it.
As I said before, it flows beautifully and has great descriptive sentences too
Hey there burgs!
Nit-Picks:
'Not' is unnecessary. Perhaps, as a suggestion. 'it was' would be a good replacement? That way it gives it a feel that you're trying to reassure yourself of nothing spooky occurring. There should be a comma after 'my eyes', too.
Ponder is not a noun. It is a verb, therefore 'in a ponder' is incorrect. Instead, 'while I did ponder' would still rhyme with 'wander' and would be much more appropriate.
Add a comma after 'eyes'.
Put a for or because in front of 'in no time all'.
Take out 'to start'.
Comma after 'startled'.
Overall:
I thought your ending was adorable. I love Edgar Allen Poe, especially "The Raven", and enjoyed reading this. The flow of this poem went considerably well, and the description used within it was amusing. So good job!
Yeah, it is pretty random. But this does remind me of Poe's "Raven".