Published July 10, 2009
Ok, so most people here seem to take themselves very seriously, so i thought i'd lighten the mood a bit.
In all seriousness though, i'm not sure what i was on when i wrote this.
Pigs from space travelled to earth in a rocket.
Bringing with them our pork filled doom.
The scathing squeal of their wild attacks.
As the bacon battering begins, blistering carcasses with crispy crackling.
Hooves of death dismantle deadly defenses.
Whilst a tidal wave of twisted tails tear at torso’s like psychotic springs of certainty.
Our savior swoops in to save our souls.
It’s the turquoise one eyed monster,
Shooting cherry’s from its eyes.
The pigs pounce panicking for protection.
As the feisty fruity ambush finally comes to fruition.
The brutal battle begins to end.
The pigs pile pleadingly into their shiny spacious space ship.
And fly away once and for all as fast as fearful felines.
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Hi Sapphirejay, thanks for the review.
) it would defeate to point of the poem which was to use alliteration and metaphors.
I tend not to reply to reviews but i just wanted to clear up a few things. A lot of the changes you've suggested, although they would make more sence (if this poem was meant to make sence
Also i'm english so travelled is spelt right, lol!
I still appreciate any comments though, so don't think that i'm having a go.
A good start on the poem, but I would use a spell checker here. Travelled is spelled Traveled.
Psychotic springs of certainty? this is kind of...weird. I would change this into something more calm. instead of springing, how about lunge?
this is ok, but it seems as though it could be better if you thought harder on this part.
I would delete the period and put a comma after ship, because your obviously not done with the sentence.
Fearful felines?? where did that come from? I get your point, but maybe change it to as fast as the fearful pigs could go. That would, in my opinion, sum up the poem better.
This is a good poem, but I think it could be better if you changed things up and put a lot of thinking effort on this.
Write on!
I think you were on an alliteration high and it's all groovy baby.
Yatta!
Honestly, I don't know what to say. Other than a practice in alliteration and playfulness (as you admit) this didn't have much of a purpose, so I'm left clueless as to how I should critique this.
Especially if you're going to be posting it here. Just think! People are taking their time to read it and review it for you. Wouldn't you like to at least take as much time as they spend writing the review, writing the poem? Just my thoughts!
If it's any concern at all, you could punctuate it more properly, and cut out some of the alliterations so it flowed better. I'm also left wondering why the whole poem is in bold.
Playful poems are cute, but even the playful ones can be well written and take a lot of time. Look at Dr. Seuss, who isn't exactly a poet, but basically. He's very playful and childish, but he has meaning, and his playfulness takes a great deal of effort and wit. So, you can take life a little less serious, but I still the you should put as much effort as possible into your poetry.
Best of luck in your continuing effort to lighten the mood.