house-2

bunnie_i_am wrote:How am I suppose to live in a house so empty? A house with nothing in it but furniture and walls in it?A house with no love, and no family.
It's not fair!
It's not fair how Rain just isn't my twin anymore, even though that's all I want. It isn't fair how Rico just wants someone to notice him, but nobody does. It isn't fair how everyone always worries about me, and no one else!

It started well, then went downhill from the second paragraph on. From "It's not fair", the story begins to lose the aura of a person with true feelings, convictions about his/her situation, and morphs into something a complete and utterly shameless brat would write in her notebook. If this was your intention, you need to exaggerate; otherwise, people will assume you are simply writing too plainly and too bare of emotional nuance. If that wasn't your intention, then stop telling us about the fact that your life isn't fair and start telling us either Why or How. A piece without example is as dry as a desert-soaked bone.

-Robbin
"Robbin, sweetie, you need to hury up. We'll be late," my mom yelled from downstairs.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," I yelled back, before grabbing my jacket.
Running downstairs, I heard Rain yell, " Text me when you find out." I didn't reply, there was no sense in it. She already know I would.
I got in the car, already wishing it was over with. I really didn't want to go to the damn doctor again! I already knew somehing was wrong! It all started last week, when I went there for a check up, just my yearly check up. Then they told me, nothings wrong, we just want more time to examine your blood. Like I would believe that crap!
My mom finally started the car, and , of course, we couldn't ride in silence, she had to start talking.
"It's probably nothing," she said. " They're porbably just going to tell us they made a mistake. Doctors do that you know, make mistakes."
"Yeah I no, but if they did, wouldn't they just tell us over the phone?"
"They probably want to explain how they made the mistake, make it seem like it wasn't there fault."
"What ever Mom, I really don't care right now." I really do. I really wanted to think that it was nothing, that it was just a mistake. I couldn't lie to myself though, not like my mom could.

This entire section is a block of dialogue without much to support it. This type of script works for television, but falls flat on its face for literature unless its specifically designed for some clever purpose. What ou need to do is space out your dialogue, intertwine it with action. You did take the first step by mentioning how you ran downstairs while talking, etc, but don't force the reader to crawl through several lines of people simply speaking to each other and literally doing nothing else. That's the image I get when reading this.

"Well I'm just trying to be positive. You never know whats going to happen." I could probably guess.
We pulled into the parking lot in silence, and walked into the small clinic. The clinic was like the ones you go to when your little, you know the ones with the screaming babies and toys that moms never let you touch. You get the picture? Well, I wasn't really in the mood for the babies, or anyone else either, so I went strait to the bathroom.
I splashed some water on my face, and kept telling myself that I wasn't dieing, I couldn't be, their is to much I haven't done, to many people I need. That couldn't be what thsy're going to tell me. It just couldn't be.
"Robbin, come on, they're ready for us," my mom called through the locked door.
-Rain
I waited for the text saying that everything was fine, that they are stupid, and have no idea what they're talking about, but it never came. In it's place came a text with one word in it, cancer.

The ending is bad for a pure narrative but decent for a diary entry, which this story more and more appears to be. You did portray emotions and her analysis of her surroundings; however, these feelings were relatively devoid of the blood and passion that makes them human. When she pulls out her cell phone, for instance, what does she feel even before reading the word "cancer"? Apprehension? Hesitancy? Describe it, not just here but in this whole section and really the whole story.

Overall, this was not enjoyable due to the numerous grammar and spelling mistakes, as well as the wooden behavior of all the characters. Inject life into them, describe their actions, movements, and emotions, make them people instead of words on a screen.

Hope that helped.

Okay, so I found it. And I hope you understood my PM about the coding and stuff for links.



The first thing I’m going to say is that the names are…well…silly. One of the biggest rules you’ll hear about naming characters is that you shouldn’t have a large number of characters with the same first letter in their names. It can and often does, confuse the reader. Also, on the spelling of “Robbin.” Well, I’ve never seen this name spelt this way. Normally, it is spelt as either Robin or Robyn.

It's not fair how Rain just isn't my twin anymore, even though that's all I want. It isn't fair how Rico just wants someone to notice him, but nobody does. It isn't fair how everyone always worries about me, and no one else!

So I’ve been struggling with this portion for some time, mostly due to the first and last sentences. I don’t exactly know what to say with your first sentence because I don’t know what it means. However, with the last sentence, a few alterations could make things clearer. Something like: “It isn’t fair how everyone worries about me and never anyone else!”

She already know I would.

“Know” should become “knew.”

Then they told me, nothings wrong, we just want more time to examine your blood.

So you writing this out like it is supposed to be dialogue, when it’s not. Either go “Then they told me, “Nothings wrong, we…..” or make it without dialogue: “Then they told me that nothing was wrong; that they just wanted more time to examine my blood.”

and , of course

extra space after “and”

“Yeah I no, but if they did, wouldn't they just tell us over the phone?"

know

The clinic was like the ones you go to when your little, you know the ones with the screaming babies and toys that moms never let you touch.

You’re

Also the comma after little could become a semi colon and the phrase “…toys that moms never let you touch.” Could become “…toys that your mom would never let you touch.”

Over all its very good and I like the ending. Keep me updated.

~lilymoore

Wow Bunnie this was awesome! I guess after reading love stories you get tired of love relating to thing like birds and flowers. I never seen one that related to a house. I love it keep writing!

Okay spelling errors.

1)

"I'm comeing, I'm comeing," I yelled back, before grabbing my jacket.

coming doesn't have a e in it.

2)

In it's place came a text with one wordin it, cancer.

you put word and in together.

Okay other than that it looks fine. Keep writing. . .or typing whatever. . .

-Chinchilla-