Slowly I sat up, holding my aching head. I felt as though it had been slammed against a rock twenty times, and the rest of me didn't feel much better. my arms were literally covered in bug bites, and a sharp pain filled my neck. I reached for the soar part and felt two more bug bites.
Where was I? I didn't live anywhere near a forest, and yet I was surround by trees. I didn't see anything familiar around me, and the last thing I remember was falling asleep at home...
I had nothing until the slight buzz of a phone filled my pocket, but as I looked at it, I realized it wasn't mine and I didn't know the number that was calling me. I debated ignoring the unknown number, but I thought maybe who ever it was could help.
"Good mourning, Lyla. I'm glad to see you are awake." Who was Lyla? "As you most likely have realized by now, you are stranded in the Amazon Rain Forest." Um, no. "And there is venom running through out your veins, which will soon kill you." Not going to lie, I didn't get that one either. "Lucky you!" he chuckled as he said this. "You have been selected to play in this age old game that you have never heard of, but don't let that bring you down!" Like learning I could die hadn't already? "There is a way out of your fate,but no one in over five hundred years of playing has." Oh what joy. "but you see, I am a vampire, and I want you dead." Have I gone crazy?"But please, don't take it personally, I just want to win." To late, creeper. "My enemies, the werewolves, want you to live, they would like to win as well." Yep, I'm definitely crazy. "You see, the winner controls the next game, and if they win, there will not be one." And that's a bad thing? "So, I must win, or my kind will kill me." Yeah, so just kill me instead. "Like I said before, it's nothing personal. Bye." Click.
"What the hell?" I screamed, spinning, look for anything, but like before, finding nothing.
The phone buzzed once more.
"Hi, you must be Lyla. I'm Ryan, and I promise, I'm not trying to kill you," he chuckled slightly, as if it was funny.
"My name isn't Lyla," was all I said.
He chuckled again. "It never is. Anyways, there is a vaccine you need to stop the venom, but you must find it within the forest, in less then 72 hours. Do you understand?"
"Um... I woke up in a rain forest! I don't understand anything that's going on today! I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy, and you think I understand? I've been told that both vampires and werewolves are really, and you think it makes since to me?"
"Riley, please, just breathe." I know that voice! "We will get you through this, I promise. We will win this time." Who was that?
"How do you know my name?" Please, please tell me!
"Lucky guess." I hate liars. "I'll tell you after we win."
Holy shit! "You're not Ryan, you're-" Click. "Dillion."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...this is a pretty solid start here to get things underway. I think you've managed to create a good sense of this setting or at least sort of the situation and mental state of our character here and then of course the somewhat mildly mysterious phone call also factors in...and I think on the whole you manage to bring it all together to create quite a nice opening bit here.
Well that certainly came out of nowhere. But well, it certainly tied into the general elements of mystery that we had going on pretty well I think and while it does sounds a teeny bit cliche I think it does manage to be sufficiently exciting here to start things off with...so at the very least we have that going for us here.
Hmm, the ending is a pretty surprising one. I think you manage to do a pretty good job of building up to that particular realization and just generally create a nice sense of mystery for things to really get underway. The dialogue in general there towards the end was quite solid I think..soo, on the whole I think you've got a pretty decent opening bit here with only the middle part being midly questionable due to the whole slightly overused vampire situation.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Things I liked: I liked the first line of Ryan's dialog. Something about the way he was amused drew me in to him, but then towards the end, he kinda became a little flat like the other characters, no offense. But that brings me to what I didn't like.
Things I disliked: Pretty much every character's dialog. Their speech and word use was too simple and undefined for them to really stand out. That vampire guy, he should have spoke a little more formally. Towards the end of his speech, he sounded like a child trying to explain something complicated. Attention to detail! Think about how your characters talk and how what they say makes them different to everyone else. It'll go a long way.
I didn't think much of the tone, I couldn't really work out what kind of genre this is. In fact, is this in the sci-fi section? I can't remember which forum I clicked into. If it is,then this is a fantasy, not a sci-fi. I guess that's why the vampire part confused me.
Also, her little angsty comebacks during vampire-guy's speech have got to go. They were annoying and really made me want to hit her. If you woke up in a forest and learned that vampires exist, you wouldn't be all sarcy, you'd be scared. Show that, please. Remember, readers don't need a character to be funny in order to earn their love.
One more thing I liked: I did like the whole game thing. It's an interesting concept and I would like to read on to learn more about it. However, if this takes a road down twilight street, then I'm getting off the bus. I don't do twilight.
Keep writing and improving,
Evil.
I read through the other reviews after I wrote mine (to make sure I didn't just repeat what everyone else said). Silent, oh lol.
I love love love love your idea here. I think there needs to be more detail, though. Do you think you could explain the game just a little bit more? Mostly having to do with the vampires and werewolves? Other than that, I can not wait to keep reading!
'Slowly I sat up, holding my aching head. I felt as though it had been slammed against a rock twenty times, and the rest of me didn't feel much better. my arms were literally covered in bug bites, and a sharp pain filled my neck. I reached for the soar part and felt two more bug bites.' Twenty times? Seems to me like they'd be dead if that were the case... One time should suffice.
Soar should be sore, and why did she only get two bug bites on her neck if her arms were literally covered?
Also, since should be sense.
"Good mourning, Lyla." Morning.
'there is venom running through out your veins, which will soon kill you' through her veins? Out of them? Which is it?
"but you see, I am a vampire, and I want you dead." I don't think the 'But' is neccesary. Just say, "You see, I am..."
'I've been told that both vampires and werewolves are really, and you think it makes since to me?" ' They're really.... Really what? Mean? Fluffy? Mad at Stephanie Meyers?
"My name isn't Lyla," was all I said... "It never is...' This was good. ^^
This could use a liiiittle work, I think. It's not bad, and the premise - vampires and werewolves involved in an age old game, with a human being the pawn in said game - is intriguing, but I'd like a little more elaboration on some things. Take for instance the description of the setting.
We learn that she's in a 'forest' with 'trees all around'. Then later we find out that it's a rainforest. There's a lot more to rainforests than trees, and when I hear just 'forest' I think the deciduous trees scattered around my hometown. She could describe the specific kinds of trees and other plantlife, the wildlife, the sounds, the humidity... Don't get bogged down, but give us something more than just trees.
The phonecall is a little odd... If the vampire wants her dead, I don't think he'd call her and tell her that. The werewolves - if they want to keep her alive - seem more likely to do that, honestly, to warn her...
I'd like to learn a little more about the characters, too.
Basically, this is good, but I want more! Keep working on it.
'Ello there! I'll be your reviewer for today.
#0000BF ">Blue = Things I liked
#FF0000 ">Red = Corrections
Bold = Comments
Overall
I really liked this! I want to know more. I want to know who Dillion is. That's always a good thing. The only offset is the whole "vampires and werewolves" thing. Overdone. However, if you find some way to make it stand out or different from all the rest, then this could be really amazing! But when working with a cliche, you have to work a lot harder so that it doesn't make people groan and say, "not this again." Because that's usually where they stop reading.
Also, your grammar is almost perfect, and I spotted next to no misspellings. Nice job! *like*
Mind PMing me when the next part's up?
loveness, ultraviolet